Are borderlines capable of love, real love?

I have loved, really loved 4 men that I have dated. I still DO love them, but I am actually a little abnormal in the fact that I do not ever really split anyone black. I do know that I jerked two of them around a lot. The more recent ones, actually. I wonder if that means my BPD was getting worse as the years progressed....

In any case, yes, I am quite capable of real love, but it IS very hard sometimes to distinguish when it is love or when it is just infatuation. I was convinced I loved a few other people, but I didn't. However, I was not in long-term relationships with those people (actually I never even spoke a word to someone I was convinced I loved).

I am tired and scatterbrained, so I apologize if I"m not making much sense, or even helping at all. Urrrghhh.

Ummmm... so yeah... I jerked around 2 of the men I loved... running back and forth between them... trying to push them away while still clinging hopelessly to them at the same time. It was a very awkward and contradictory way to act, and I know it was always so very hard. I finally have tried a lot of self-reflection and thinking, and have started to attempt and have a REAL relationship. Looking back on it... none of my relationships were ever deep, commited ones. That's actually really sad....


If we take the pattern of behaviour in relationships that a borderline is most famous for, as depicted in such works as "I Hate You, don't leave me", "Sometimes I Act Crazy; Living With Borderline Personality Disorder", "Stop Walking on Eggshells", "The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook", etc. (incidently, the latter is co written by a fellow called James Paul Shirley, whom i have the pleasure of calling a friend, and we have had one or two discussions on this and many other similar topics). the pattern follows, thus;

The "Idealisation phase"; The "BPD" actively seeks and pursues the relationship. They're intense, almost manic in their work to achieve the relationship. They're seductive and want you approval, your worship, your devotion

The Intermediate Phase; conflicts begin, devaluations, criticisms. They switch between being clingy to being confrontational and “nit picking”. This can go on for weeks, months, or even years.

The Hater Phase; The full “Fight or Flight phase”, they appear to want to destroy you yet, in their eyes they will be the victim and you are the one doing the hurting and they will do everything to try to make this “fantasy” appear real.


So in essence, what you have is someone that desperately wants to love and be loved, but yet seems compelled to destroy all relationships? Why?

ofc somone with bpd is capable of real love, i loved my ex so much and still do with her it wasnt infatuation, it is still hard nearly one year on.


i miss the way we were so compatible, and i hate that my ishues that stopped me getting work that eventualy got her down.
she wasnt all good or all bad, but to me she was my best freind, the girl that eaven through my problems gave me the spirit to get up every day and move forward.

i miss the times, the memories of the times we were together, i truly wanted to make a life with her for us, and i thought that was going to happen.

but i understand that im a hard person to be with at times, but she was no angell her self lol, but that didnt matter. because i could see the good in her and exept the bad.
she was strong, intelegent, had tereble dress sence and had self asteam ishues, but she still got on with things, and didnt ushaly let it get her down, and if i could i would help her with her problems and she would help me with mine too when i felt it hard to pick my self up.

but when she took medication and her self ateam ishues went, she no longer could deal with my ishues and left.

i was and still am truly heart broken over it, and i miss her terebly, but for me when i see her it hurts too much.
when she left i tryed to fix my self, so that we could have the life that i think we both wanted, but i found out that i had bpd.
and after that i desided that i couldnt make her happy and had to let her go, so she could be happy in the long run.
if that isnt love then i dont know what love is.
but to me, it is love.

Can a Person with Borderline Personality Disorder love someone to the fullest?

My girlfriend has BPD. She seems like she falls in and out of love with me. I mean the normal love hate kinda thing. Is it worth my effort. When she's not hating me, she's wants to marry me. But can they truely fall all the way in love? I love her and now that I know her disorder it makes her more special to me. 

Yes, I think she can. I have BPD and the biggest fear I have is that if I start to really love someone that they will fall out of love with me. I have a lot of abandonment issues from childhood that have never been eased so I fear being abandoned by the person who I have chosen to be in love with. It is scary for anyone to put their heart on the line but especially for someone who has BPD. When she says she doesn't love you anymore there is an underlying issue that she is afraid of addressing. It may mean that she needs time to sort out her feelings. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care anymore. It is during these times that I push people away to protect my own heart that I need them the most. For a better explanation read the Book I hate you but don't leave me. We all lash out at those we love but this too is especially true for Borderlines. I would be very curious to know if her BPD disorder originated from being abused as a child. Mine did. Best of luck and remember love conquers all. Never doubt for one minute that any human life is worth it. We all are.  

• I have BPD and I myself am not sure if I can ever love anyone to the fullest. I don't really even know what that means. I am married and have a four year old child. It is an awful feeling to wonder if I even 'love' these people in my life. You should really research and be a part of your girlfriend's therapy if you truly love HER....so you will be able to fully understand the capacity of this disorder. It IS life long. Treatment is only successful as long as it is on going and done correctly. That is the definition of a 'Personality' disorder. It is who the person has formed into due to personal experiences, circumstances and situations...most of which occur early on in childhood (speaking from experience). Not to scare you off from being with her...I am soooo thankful that my husband supports and loves me dispite my disorder, but you must know the reality of the disorder. It DOES'NT go away. A 'Personality' is extremely hard to change, despite professional therapy. The ways she copes with life are due to survival techniques she learned early on. Her psychique developed this way, in order to survive. You truly must know the difficulty that you will have in the future if you continue this relationship....advice from my husband. It will be difficult, but if you are willing to learn all you can, and LOVE all you can. You may be able to have a very meaningful life together. Good luck to you! God bless!
  I am also dealing with my feelings for someone with BPD. Sometimes their needs and emotions and potential consume you. What i have to say is this. . perhaps is is better to ask yourself some questions such as; Do you love her or do you love her disorder? Is the love hate thing and the impulsivity what makes it exciting? If so how healthy is that for you ?
  If the diagnosis is correct, a characteristic of BPD is sudden shifts from strong idealization (loving too much to the fullest) to total alienation when disappointed or feel injured even without visible cause. There are degrees of this, but relationships often end with the negative phase which can be close to unending hatred and distrust. BPD is not easily treated and may well represent a life long pattern.

  Can people with Borderline Personality Disorder really love someone?

  I would say NO, since they usually drift in and out of love. Plus the partner is usually idolized or the opposite in a matter of seconds. Moreover, self-hate and fear is at the core of those diagnosed, so with all these roadblocks, can they even know or feel what love really is? Opinions please. 

  BPD people do all this because they are basically the developmental age of a 2-3 year old. This is the age where children are learning to separate themselves and develop object consistency. THe theory is that BPD people feel abandonment whether because of abuse or something else during this developmental period. Hence, they have not learned to develop object consistency and recognize that people come back. So they are constantly being abandoned in their minds and fearing it.
  
  Therefore, all the behaviors are utilized to protect them from being abandoned. And they are either smothering you to keep you near or raging at you if they think you are leaving. This can stop!
  
  With therapy, a BPD can "grow and develop" and learn to have healthy, loving relations.
  

  Also, people should realize that the majority of BPD people have had severe abuse in their childhoods. Empathy needed. 

  • You're absolutely wrong. People with Borderline don't so much "fall in and out of love" as they do sabotage their relationships.
    
    People with Borderline feel love as much as anyone else.
    anybody can love its the best part of being alive
    I believe it's possible for someone with Borderline to love another person. It is not uncommon for them to lack love for themselves, however. This is a serious personality disorder that usually requires proper medication (risperdal, for example, to help with impulsivity) and appropriate therapy, preferably dialectical behavior therapy, or at least cognitive behavior therapy. With help, the BPD patient can get well.

   I'm Bipolar and all I can say is it is difficult. It is possible but only with someone that is loving and understanding. I mean I'll love her one min then the next hate her for no reason.. then hate myself the next min and love myself the min after. It's a constant rollercoaster and it takes a special person and a special kind of love for someone to see past that. But in the end you end up hurting the other person alot..they are the unfortunate person in it.