bpd obsessive love 2

Obsessive love is a hypothetical state in which one person feels an overwhelming obsessive desire to possess another person toward whom they feel a strong attraction, with an inability to accept failure or rejection. Such a state should be differentiated from relationship obsessive–compulsive disorder (ROCD) that commonly includes doubts regarding one's own feelings towards an intimate partner, preoccupation with the partner’s feelings towards oneself, doubts about the “rightness” of the relationship and preoccupation with the perceived flaws of the partner. For most of history, "obsessive love" was considered as a type of perseverance, but in the late 20th century, love simpliciter was suggested to be a mental disorder.^{[according to whom?][citation needed]} Although not categorized specifically under any specific mental diagnosis by the DSM IV, some people argue that obsessive love is considered to be a mental illness similar to "attachment disorder, borderline personality disorder, and erotomania." [Peabody]^{[citation needed]} Obsessive lovers may feel entirely unable to restrain themselves from extreme behaviors such as acts of violence toward themselves. They may be entirely convinced that their feelings are love, and may reject the idea that their severe obsession is not love.

The "Obsessive Love Wheel"

Love wheel

The "Obsessive Love Wheel" (OLW) is a hypothetical sphere originally described by Dr. John D. Moore in his book, Confusing Love with Obsession (2006). The wheel illustrates the four stages of Obsessive Relational Progression as part of Relational Dependency (RD). Moore suggests that for people who are afflicted with relational dependency (love addiction, codependency, etc.) their relationships often follow the pattern of the wheel. It is currently unknown if the same principles apply for a sudden attraction to anyone who bears a friendship, but can be speculated that this is something different entirely.
The initial phase of ORP is characterized by an instantaneous and overwhelming attraction to another person. It is at this point the relationally dependent person becomes dependent on a romantic interest, usually resulting from the slightest bit of attention from the person they are attracted to. Sometimes it can take as little as a single glance or a smile to form an attachment.

Phase one: Attraction

• An instant attraction to romantic interest, usually occurring within the first few minutes of meeting.
• An immediate urge to rush into a romantic relationship regardless of compatibility.
• Becoming "hooked on the look" of another, focusing on the person's physical characteristics while ignoring personality differences.
• Unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with one main love interest, boyfriend/girlfriend assigning unrealistic qualities to an object of romantic infatuation and affection.
• The beginnings of obsessive, controlling behaviors begin to manifest.

Phase two: Anxious phase

This phase is considered a relational turning point, which usually occurs after a commitment has been made between both parties. Sometimes, however, the relationally dependent person will enter into this phase without the presence of a commitment. The relation can be severed here, resulting in a depressing time for the controlling party. If not severed by this time, psychological help will be required. This happens when the afflicted person creates the illusion of intimacy, regardless of the other person's true feelings. The second phase of ORP behaviors can include:

• Unfounded thoughts of infidelity on the part of a partner and demanding accountability for normal daily activities.
• An overwhelming fear of abandonment, including baseless thoughts of a partner walking out of the relationship in favor of another person.
• The need to be in constant contact with a love interest via phone, email, social-networking or in person.
• Strong feelings of mistrust begin to emerge, causing depression, resentment and relational tension.
• The continuation and escalation of obsessive, controlling behaviors.
• Feeling the other partner doesn't and shouldn't need to contact, meet, bond and/or speak with others.
• Violent reactions (verbal and physical) directed to the loved one and/or to oneself if the controlled person starts denying the obsessive demands.

Phase three: Obsessive phase

This particular phase represents the rapid escalation of this unhealthy attachment style. It is at this point that obsessive, controlling behaviors reach critical mass, ultimately overwhelming the RD person's life. Also at this point that the person being controlled begins to pull back and, ultimately, severs the relationship. In short, Phase Three is characterized by a total loss of control on the part of the RD person, resulting from extreme anxiety. Usually, the following characteristics are apparent during the third phase of ORP.

• The onset of tunnel vision, meaning that the relationally dependent person cannot stop thinking about a love interest and requires his or her constant attention.
• Neurotic, compulsive behaviors, including rapid telephone calls to love interest's place of residence or workplace.
• Unfounded accusations of infidelity due to extreme anxiety.
• "Drive-bys" around a love interest's home or place of employment, with the goal of assuring that the person is where they're supposed to be.
• Physical or electronic monitoring activities, following a love interest's whereabouts throughout the course of a day to discover daily activities.
• Extreme control tactics, including questioning a love interest's commitment to the relationship with the goal of manipulating a love interest into providing more attention.

Phase four: Destructive phase

This is the final phase of Obsessive Relational Progression. It represents the destruction of the relationship, due to phase three behaviors, which have caused a love interest to flee. For a variety of reasons, this is considered the most dangerous of the four phases, because the RD person suddenly plummets into a deep depression due to the collapse of the relationship. Here are some of the more common behaviors that are exhibited during phase four of ORP:

• Overwhelming feelings of depression (feeling a sense of emptiness inside).
• A sudden loss of self-esteem, due to the collapse of the relationship.
• Extreme feelings of self-blame and at times, self-hatred.
• Anger, rage and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest for breaking off the relationship.
• The use of drugs, alcohol, food, porn, or sex in an attempt to heal the emotional pain.
• Suicidal thoughts may manifest. Without emotional counseling, the subject is at risk of suicide.

When it comes to close relationships, people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can not help but be frightened of losing the people that they love. Whether it is a friend, companion, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife or lover; the thought of not being with this person not only scares them but brings on fear of abandonment. This happens frequently, whether the person is in a long term relationship, or is in or has had the experience of several relationships.

BPD is an emotional disorder and those struggling with it have strong feelings that often fluctuate from one extreme to the other. They love and hate so deeply. It is beautiful to love wholeheartedly that special person. But how devastating it is to hate! The destruction and separation that hinder the most wonderful friendship and relationship often happens in BPD. We see the borderline as either excessively clingy or pushing the other person away. This is part of the “push and pull play” that can happen so frequently in the relationship.

What happens is, that the borderline is sensitized to so much anguish due to their thoughts, feelings and own perceptions. This assuredly happens in any type of relationship they live. Triggers (onset of emotional pain) happen so quickly, that screaming out words of hatred is common. And, the opposite is true as well. As love is felt so passionately, it is expressed with so much intenseness. Words and actions are lived too impulsively. In those very moments when the expressions of love or hatred happen, a sense of peace or regret can be occurring, all part of the symptom of emotion regulation. 

A person with BPD suffers from many traits and symptoms, such as: deep sense of worthlessness, deep sense of emptiness, intense anger, loneliness, anxiety, fear of abandonment, impulsive behaviour, suicidal and self-harm ideations, lack of self-identity and dissociation. These all affect the way a person feels, thinks and behaves in their life and in the lives of others that they love.

But amidst the uproars, the borderline is also crying within. They do love the other person but with their illness they don’t always know how because of their frightful emotions. Still it doesn’t justify the outcome of the hurtful words.

The truth behind the hate and love principle come from deep inner wounds that have been there since early childhood. Therefore, the answers are hidden within the person living with BPD and their intense suffering.

If you are in a friendship or relationship with someone you think may have BPD or is actually diagnosed with the disorder, don’t give up on them. They need you to accept them during the major ups and downs and simply be there for them in the simplest and kindest ways. I know it is easier said than done. But when you think about it, isn’t love worth it?

 It is so important to educate ourselves, whether you are the one with BPD, the friend or companion. This will help with some understanding of the illness, help remove stigma and find acceptance for both parties involved. But this is extremely hard work, yet possible. Sometimes we see the person who is not the one suffering from the disorder receive therapy. Altogether, education and therapy is very important for all who are struggling and desiring healing.

Obsessive Love in BPD

With Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) we see this often occurring within the individual who has the symptoms of the illness. When we consider the symptom of worthlessness, right there that tells us how the sufferer may need someone to fill that void within them. They want to be filled with love and to be with someone who will remind them that they are deserving of that love. The person suffering from BPD often does not have a solid sense of self; therefore seeks to find it in others they look up to. 

We often wonder if this “love” borders on obsession. This can be a misconception because the sufferer is simply looking for validation and security, however lacks the ability to understand it reasonably. We must remember that the sufferer lives excruciating emotional pain and deep down they know they will unlikely be loved as they desire to be loved. They are simply looking for that in an unconditional way because they never received it as a child and were used as a teenager. They are looking for someone to take care of them and to accept them. People who have BPD get quickly attached to someone who is there for them. They simply misinterpret the kindness from someone for that special love they desperately seek.

Someone who suffers from BPD also experiences unhealthy relationships. In these real relationships they often give themselves so freely due to their low self-esteem. The symptom of sexual promiscuity therefore surfaces.

Either way, there is a deep attachment that only leads to a broken heart. The borderline personality therefore never ceases to grieve, never ceases to have to let go of someone they assume they love.  

For those who suffer from BPD, whether presently working hard in recovery or stuck in past affairs, the symptoms are always challenging. The longing to be with someone special comes from the emotional disorder. If we look at the symptoms of deep feelings of emptiness, agitated behaviour to avoid being alone, impulsive behaviour, problems with self-identity, we can perhaps understand their situation.