To Schopenhauer, the ultimate purpose of human being is to breed and have children and continuing the next generation. Everything in our life is geared towards that goal. The survival of species is the ultimate quest in all living creatures. It’s biological, it’s instinctive, it’s in our Will, something which is beyond our conscious control. Not surprisingly, his work inspired the work of latter generation such as the study of subconscious mind by Sigmund Freud and Evolution by Charles Darwin.
Schopenhaeur said falling in love is a ‘blind biological urge’ in us – love is basically an illusion which pull men and women together. Love in our mind is magical, sweet, sensational and is a symbol of happiness. But little did we know that these emotions come together with Love as a whole ‘package’. When human are able to derive positive emotions out of something, we gain satisfaction. And this satisfaction is what keep our desire alive. It’s instinctive, and we are basically slaves to our own instinct and desire (Schopenhauer called it Will).
Schopenhauer believed that the truth is ugly. Marriage is a trap to confine couples together. Living as a husband and wife means halve both of their rights and double the duties. Having children will require the couples to put in more effort and resources to maintain the family.
Therefore, only a force as strong as Love can ‘blind’ us, bringing men and women together in a same roof. When we are finding our potential partners, we do not think of making babies with them, rather, we think of Love. It seems that we have no choice but to fall in love and the illusion of love (which gives extreme positive emotions) will conveniently wipe away all the misery of a married life and having babies. Schopenhauer’s magic word – Biological is stronger than Reasons. Buddha’s magic word – Emotion arise from Desire, hence an Illusion.
This perfectly answered the question i had and i think it is safe to conclude the reason why older couples are still together is due to respect and responsibility rather than still genuinely loving each other. I always believe human are polygamous by nature. But due to the development of human culture (of the different role between men and women), and more importantly the influence of religion such as Christianity, the nature rule has been replaced by human rule, thus championing the monogamous way.
I whole heartily agree with Schopenhauer’s reasoning on love. However, i’m sure i will never follow his way of remaining single and living in solitude life till the end of my day. I do want to have a life-long companion (wife) and a family. This is my reasoning – if human are biologically a social animal and hardwired to fall in love, then why should we go against the nature? As Schopenhaeur said, Biological is stronger than Reasoning, hence if we insist on following the literal Reasonings, wouldn’t it be a challenging difficulty for human to adapt to this deprived-of-instinct-fulfillment-life? Wouldn’t it be a distress to live in a life where at one hand, we can’t take love seriously as we know it is just an illusion and on the other hand, we persistently being pestered by our biological instincts to fall in love. We would be trapped in a no-man’s land. That to me, is a miserable lose-lose situation. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss, no?
As much as i love and respect Schopenhauer’s philosophical works, i can’t help but to think that he is a miserable pessimist who was trapped between logic and his inner feelings. You could just see how pessimist he was towards humanity and nature by reading the quote below, something which he said on his death-bed.
If God made this world, then i would not want to be the God. It is full of misery and distress that it breaks my heart. -Schopenhauer
I had a wicked thought while i was writing this blog post. I questioned, why do parents are willing to put their lives at stake in order to protect their children? In many circumstances, the parent may even trade life to make sure the survival of their children. It seems divine and noble in the first glance. But it is not logical.
- If the parents are willing to sacrifice themselves, despite saving their children, they lose their lives. Not only that, they will have absolutely no control over the fate of their children once they are dead. (if later on the children faced danger again and die, then the sacrifice of the parents will be futile.)
- If the parents are not willing to sacrifice themselves, their children will die but the parents are able to retain their lives. If they are healthy enough, they could breed again and replace the dead children with new children. They could oversee the growth of these new children and will able to drive their fate to a certain direction.
This gave me a little idea that human are not 100% rational and logical as we would like to believe in ourselves. I have not thought much about it yet, but i’m damn sure this will be a very interesting post to write in the future
The Illusions of Love
How do we fool thee?
Let us count the ways that illusions play with our hearts and minds
Let us count the ways that illusions play with our hearts and minds
Contrary to the anatomy referenced in all our favorite love songs, love (as with every other emotion we feel) is not rooted in the heart but in the brain. (Unfortunately, Hallmark has no plans to mass-produce arrow-pierced chocolate brains in the near future.) By better understanding how the brain falls in love, we can learn about why the brain can get so obsessed with this powerful emotion. In fact, some scientists even see love as a kind of addiction. For instance, neuroscientist Thomas Insel and his colleagues at Emory University discovered that monogamous pair bonding has its basis in the same brain reward circuits that are responsible for addiction to drugs such as cocaine and heroin. Their study was conducted in the prairie vole, a small rodent that mates for life. But the conclusions are probably true for humans, too, which may explain why it is so hard to break up a long-term romantic relationship. Losing someone you love is like going through withdrawal.
In this article, we feature a number of visual illusions with a romantic motif. We hope that you and your special one will enjoy them. And remember, even if love is an illusion, that doesn't mean it's not meaningful and real (to our brain, anyway)
Are You In Love With An Illusion?
February 24, 2014 by 19 Love Comments
I just heard for the third time in three months of another couple I know headed for divorce.Ugh.
And since these are all people I know, I find it challenging not to let them in on the secrets of cultivating a conscious, authentic relationship- I basically want to scream at all of them, “It doesn’t have to be like this!!!”
Three years ago I was facing a serious discussion about a divorce in my own marriage and I used all the tools I have to do my work and answer life’s call to “shed my skin”. As author, poet and philosopher Mark Nepo says, you can shed your skin (willingly) or be broken open (I am not quoting him since I think this is my version of what he said).
Think about that – you can shed your skin willingly or be broken open. Life will happen, the question is are you aware of it? Are you willing to commit to yourself to do your work? Are you aware that you attract and manifest everything in your life and that you have the power to change it, overcome it, grow from it and transmute it?
It’s probably no coincidence that I have had a burning desire to write a piece like this for all the single people out there who might feel sad or lonely around Valentine’s Day and having the perfect stimulus (multiple divorces around me) show up to propel me to sit here and finally write.
I remember what it was like to be single – there are days when all you want is to find “the one” so you can stop searching and have someone to enjoy your journey with. Dates that went bad or relationships that ended felt like failures on the journey to find a partner. Frustrated with dating services and multiple singles events every month so you didn’t miss the chance to find “him/her”– I get it, I was there.
But here’s the secret that somehow I learned before getting married that I think most people don’t get, the real work starts when you find your partner. So while you may be single and yearning for someone to be with or get married, please understand that the heat gets turned up after you say “I do” and the opportunity to shed a skin will emerge and if you aren’t ready to “answer the call” then you will be broken open.
Or like many people who suffer through multiple marriages, you might choose to numb yourself with drugs, alcohol, food, sugar, work-a-holic tendencies, TV, shopping, internet surfing, or whatever method you use to numb yourself to the feelings that bubble inside of you looking for expression.
Harville Hendrix, author of Getting the Love You Want and Keeping the Love You Find, created a therapy called Imago Therapy. The basis of all his work is the belief that you choose your partner to heal the wounds of your past. From the moment I heard it I knew it was an absolute truth.
There is a reason you choose your partner and the road to healing these wounds may not be a pretty one. Shedding a skin can be uncomfortable and will require you to grow – like the phoenix that rises from the ashes. I once had an ex-boyfriend ask me, “Is marriage all it’s cracked up to be? Think I should get married?” I replied, “Don’t get married if you want to stay the same. Marriage will require that you grow into a new version of you.”
When I wrote Fit 2 Love, it was to help others truly practice loving and accepting themselves so they could manifest the right partner but these practices also are the foundation for just being happy inside your own life and body.
I only manifested finding my partner when I was truly, deeply happy with myself and my life. Whatever needs I had, I took responsibility for getting them met. I was not dependent on anyone else to “make me happy”- and this is a false belief anyway since no one can make you do or feel anything. Happiness is an inside job, no one else is responsible for your happiness. (Tweet-worthy!)
The illusion for singles is that finding your partner will forever bring joy and love into your life and the illusion for married couples going through hard times is that it’s the other’s person’s fault and moving on and ending the marriage will solve the problem.
The only reason we ever want something is because we think we will be happier when we have it. This is true in every area of life, not only romantic relationships. You have the power now, in this moment, to provide for yourself all the love and compassion you seek from a partner or spouse. If you don’t love and accept yourself how you can expect anyone else to?
Are you ready to love yourself completely and take responsibility for your happiness? I wish for you the gift of self acceptance, a chance to celebrate you as a gift to the world and the ability to provide the same loving actions and energies to yourself that you wish to share with others.
With Much Love,
The Love Illusion
What is love anyway? Through the ages so much has been written about love in songs, verse, and poems. People have talked about being in love:
How it makes them feel
How it changes their life
How they see, hear, touch, taste and smell things differently.
I'm
sure that the neuro-psychologists will produce brain scans which show
the patterns of brain activity of someone in love (if they haven't
already).
But what is love all about anyway?
When people talk about being "in love", what do they really mean?
What
is "love at first sight?" If we meet someone and feel that sudden surge
of attraction and excitement, are we really in love? What is that all
about?
Why are we drawn to certain people and turned off by others? Where do these attractions and aversions come from?
Consider two fifteen year old high school
girls, best friends, Alice and Beth. As they pass a new boy walking
down the hall, Alice says "Wow, he's hot!" and Beth makes a face and
says, "Him? He's gross!" Who is right and who is wrong? Obviously, there
is no right or wrong opinion. Why would these two good friends have
such completely divergent impressions of a boy's looks? Where did their
preferences come from?
I
believe we start to fall in love from the moment of birth. We develop
attachments and connections to certain qualities present in the key
people in our lives. With infants this would usually be their
caretakers: (parents, siblings, other relatives or nannies). The child
will bond
emotionally as well as physically and will internalize a blend or
composite figure taken from the significant people they encounter in
infancy. This composite forms the basis for what I call an "idealized
love image".
This "idealized love image" can best be explained by recalling the time when we were students in elementary school and our art
teachers asked us to create a picture consisting of pieces of sketches,
drawings, or photographs. This composite is a collage or collection of
various parts that make a whole. I feel that we do this, from the moment
of birth. Without knowing it, we assemble a collage made up of
characteristics taken from the major players in our lives. We create,
from our earliest days, our ideal person.
We
also experience negative qualities, often from the same caretakers.
Those that frighten or upset us contribute to an "aversion image" ...
contrasted to the "idealized love image".
So
now when Alice sees this new boy and he has some of the physical
qualities of her "idealized love image", she sees him as "hot." Beth, on
the other hand, sees this same boy as "gross" because he has some of
the physical attributes of her "aversion image". A third girl might see
the same boy and, since he does not resemble either of her positive or
negative images, she might say, "He's O.K. but not for me".
Now
imagine that Alice somehow manages to meet her "hot" guy and they "hang
out" one night. When Beth speaks to Alice the next day and asks, "Well,
how did it go?" Alice replies, "Terrible." What happened? Clearly the
"hot" boy appealed to Alice physically, but not emotionally. He had some
of the physical qualities of her "idealized image" but that's as far as
it went. They had nothing else in common.
When
we arrive at the "marrying age", we unconsciously seek someone who fits
our "idealized love image". Who is he? Who is she? Because of the
development of this love image, we seek a person who fits that picture.
What
if, however, this image has ten thousand characteristics and we can
only marry someone who has everything we are looking for? The odds
against finding such a person would be like flipping a coin
ten thousand times and expecting a head each time. The odds are
trillions to one against it. If we were to hold out for perfection, no
one would ever get married. What I believe actually happens, is that we
find someone who hassome of what we are looking for and we are drawn to them. Then we proceed to superimpose on them our "idealized love image".
We fall in love.
We think we are in love, but who are we really in love with? Not the real person, but rather the person who we have created. This must be why people say "love is magic" or "love is blind."
We are in love with our own creation. This is the "Love Illusion".
There is no such thing as real love at the beginning. It's all magic.
It's all illusion.
If
what we think of as love is all illusion, then it's not real. We
attribute to someone the qualities that we want to see. We paint them
with our own brush. We project onto them the features of our "idealized
love image" and then we "fall in love". With whom? We don't fall in love
with the real person. We fall in love with the person we need.
I
have seen many patients who have said they had been fooled by their
boyfriend or girlfriend. They complained that the person pretended to be
different when they met. The reality is they didn't fool you. You
fooled yourself. In the early dating
stage, we often deny seeing qualities that we didn't want to see in the
other person. That's probably where that expression "Love is blind"
came from.
Since
the early love is an illusion, in order to begin to discover the real
person behind the magic veil we have created, it is necessary that we
become disillusioned.
What
happens when we become disillusioned? The magic veil of our creation
must be pulled aside to reveal who is really there. In order for real love
to develop, we must gradually recognize and accept the difference
between our "idealized love image" (what we hoped for) and the real
person. This requires the ability to compromise, not only with the other
person, but with our inner voice. Even though there are some qualities
of our "idealized love image" that are missing, the truly essential
elements exist within our partner.
What
happens when the qualities that we see in the other person do not fit
into our "idealized love image"? We start to become disillusioned, and
when that takes place one of two things will occur. As we shed our
illusion, we either learn to enjoy, respect and truly love the other
person or we become disenchanted and move on, possibly to start the
process once again with someone else.
I
feel that there are two major factors that are necessary to truly love
someone and to make a relationship work. The first is compatibility. We
will never find someone
who has everything that we seek. Since there are so many attributes to
our "idealized love image", we must find someone whose core goals,
ambitions, and life directions are, for the most part, similar to our
own. The old adage that opposites attract has some validity but the best
relationships are between people who are similar.
The Parable of a Bird and a Fish
A bird and a fish fell in love. They loved and adored each other but they had one big problem. Where would they live?
Working
with couples with bird and fish issues is challenging. At best these
issues create difficulties. At worst they are impossible to resolve.
What follows are examples of bird and fish issues.
A
young woman entered therapy because she was depressed. She had caught
her husband cheating and terminated the marriage. After a period of time
her depression lifted and she began to date. She finally found someone
who she thought she could see a future with. However, because I knew her
and her belief system, I had to pop her bubble. She was Catholic and
her boyfriend was Jewish. Since intermarriages are no longer as uncommon
as they have been in the past, this might not have appeared to be an
insurmountable problem. I asked her about her desire to have children.
She said, "I grew up in a large family and I want a lot of children." I
asked her how she would want the children raised. She replied,
"Catholic, of course." I asked her if she had discussed this with her
boyfriend. "Why would he object?" she asked, naively. I asked her how
she would feel about the children being raised Jewish. "Oh, no!" she
exclaimed, "I couldn't do that. My family would be upset and I would
feel too guilty." I suggested that she discuss this with her boyfriend.
She arrived at the next session extremely upset and depressed. When she
had asked her boyfriend, he had replied that "of course the children
would have to be raised Jewish." We discussed Unitarianism and other
blend religions but there was no compromise. They were sad as they ended
the relationship but avoided some serious conflicts later on.
Another couple that I worked with also had a bird and fish problem which they were able
to resolve. They were in their early forties, divorced and looking for
new mates. There was a strong physical attraction and they felt that
they were madly in love. This relationship almost came to an abrupt end
after they spent a week's vacation together. It appears that he was a
day person and she was a night person. There has been a considerable
amount of research which confirms that the biological clocks of day and
night people are significantly different. Day people usually rise
between seven and eight in the morning and go to sleep between eleven
and twelve at night. Night people, however, awaken between ten and
twelve in the morning and are not able to fall asleep until two to four
in the morning. The man in this case would be up at seven ready to play
golf, play tennis or go touring. The woman said, "Hey, this is my
vacation, too. I want to sleep till noon." At night she was ready to
party until three in the morning. By midnight, he was tired. Sex was a
disaster. He would approach her at eight a.m. and she was non-
responsive. She would approach him at three a.m. and he was fast asleep.
After
working on this bird and fish issue in therapy, they decided to try
another vacation. This time it was their honeymoon. He would get up a
six or seven and arranged to play golf until noon. By then she was up
and dressed. They went out to eat. She had breakfast. He had lunch. They
came back to the room around five o'clock and made love and then he
took a nap so he could stay up later.
As
I have said before, compatibility is one major factor that is necessary
to develop a truly loving relationship. The other is the ability to
"fight" well. Invariably when I have asked couples if they thought that
fighting was good or bad in a relationship, the response usually
indicated that they believed fighting was bad. It is my belief that
fighting is not only good, but absolutely necessary to make
relationships grow. Good fighting
is not screaming, yelling, cursing and throwing. It is simply stating
your truth to the other person, hearing theirs and negotiating the
difference. Since we will never find our "idealized love image" and we
are not Siamese twins (even they have differences) or clones, we must
learn to fight well and compromise out the differences.
I
have jokingly said to friends and patients that if I had my way I would
change the marriage vows worldwide. Couples would continue to promise
to love (sure), to honor and respect (absolutely) and to commit to good
fighting. It would say "I love you and I love our relationship so much
that I promise you that if something bothers me I will tell you about it
and I want the same promise from you." There are going to be
differences between us in our marriage and our happiness depends on how
successfully we work out our differences.
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