For 11 months I Idated and Was actually lulled and lived bombed enough
to move in & allow my 15 Yo daughter as well, move in with a high
functioning but child-like BPD waif that would flagellate between Waif
and Queen .
It was 11 months of insanity that I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. It literally felt like military mental torture at times. I loved her good side like she was my soul mate yet the evil and distancing in her alwaya won out in our relationship. I left for the final time after saying i would over repeatedly, each time her begging me to stay until one day she just stopped begging and let me go while keeping the reins of conteolmover my daughter.
A jagged and bleeding hole in my metaphorical heart remains & I finally had to give myself closure as she wasnt capable of anything nearing emotional communication.
It took me five years to finally shut that chapter in my life. It was a very valuable lesson learned.
My daughter stayed with her after I left then finally left herself, at age 18. To this day my bpdx stll pays my daughter’s rent on her Apt and cell phone yet hasnt’t spoken a word to me. When i left for the final time she shut me out like i never existed. I can only imagine it is for the best that she hasn’t and as much as the voice of auld lang synes waxes sentimental in a heart that wanted to believe in and protect that part of her that had a wounded, child-like soul i realize only in retrospect that I fell in love with love a mirage that tunes into, mirrored what i had
Hoped for then turned the tables on me. The hardest part was realizing i’d been duped-that none of it was real inthe truest sense, that It was a facade and I believed her! I was wrong to-if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. A visage of a love we all seek, now i all i have left are the memories of what i wished had been real and am comforted in knowing that all those hopes and dreams i had came from me. I created them and I am the one that had the capability for all that live that she rejected.
In the end, i deaerved and will fund better
The what she sild me up the river for. All of us Nons do, so keep your heads high, youre Not the sick one, THEY are. But be once bitten twice shy as you now have know the difference.
Take care of yourselves!
This song here envelopes the sadness and despair I felt in my BPD relationships demis.
Over the years it has become a distant and numbes ache of yearning indifference, if that makes any sense-the lingering demise of all the hopes and dreams of a relationship that i so much wantes to believe was real yet after its demise, left me only wondering why she chose to mirror those things i so much wanted, only to to have them thrown back in my face. It was
The cruelest of emotional betrayals of which
My heart is now so guarded to.
In retrospect, i could never go back to her if she called or texted. I could never trust her again. It would never be the same. It was only a dream within a dream.
The relationship always seemed too good to be true. Although I always knew something was a bit off (among hearing plenty of stories), I was absolutely blinded by the way she “loved” me. It was heaven on earth. I felt like she was constantly testing me and was incapable of reasoning through simple issues. Then about one year into it, She was secretly dating someone behind my back – my world was shattered. The pain was unbearable. the only solution in my eyes was to get back with her just to escape the pain. We worked on this issue for about a month, and accepting it was near impossible but I wanted to hold on to her at all costs. Then all of a sudden, she up and left me and couldn’t provide me with a valid reason of doing so. Weeks went by and then somehow i became the absolute worst thing in her eyes. Everything was my fault. I was in a deep hole of depression and then she had to pile this onto my plate. The only solution was to block her. I now am on my way to a slow and tough recovery.
If this sounds familiar at all, run away and never look back. She/he will crush you, and rest assured it will happen.
If looks could kill…
Two Years After My BPD Breakup
This is from a blog written by a man recovering for a BPD Waif relationship. The "BPD waif" is the type that is always needing help with everything. It's a parent child relationship and the waif is the child. Here is his story with the same feelings many have after the relationship/Fantasy ends.
"Here I am, two years after breaking up with my Borderline disordered ex-girlfriend. I never imagined that I would make it; that sounds so crazy now. For the first six months, I was an absolute wreck. There was nothing I could do to get away from it. The breakup was like a barbed-wire thread that was needled through every part of my life.
I’d go to sleep at night replaying our relationship, the things she said and did, and the breakup over-and-over-and-over again. I’d wake up in the morning (or sometimes in the middle of the night, sweat-soaked) and continue ruminating. I was obsessed and trapped in painful cyclone of mixed emotions. Emotions that had no boundaries and ran together like different colored paints smeared on a canvas.
My emotions had no distinction. There was no love, hate, sad, happy, bad, or good. Everything was a paradox then. Good felt bad and bad felt worse. Happiness became flash-moments when I recognized the old me. I was perpetually depressed and shaken and teeming with anxiety.
Thinking back on those days now, they seem dreamlike. It feels as though I watched all of that happen to someone else; it certainly wasn’t me. It really wasn’t me. I am not that crumbling heap-of-a-person anymore. I cannot imagine ever being that person again. I am forever changed.
I know I will never give someone that much of myself again. That is both good and bad I suppose. I am still struggling to truly let go and let myself love another fully. I will never open myself up to that wall of hurt again. Maybe that will change with more time, but I’m still not there yet I suppose.
Nearly two years to the day now… My ex has little to no grip on me whatsoever. I have occasional thoughts about her, but they mostly come and go quickly. There is no pain associated with the thoughts of her. I have reached indifference, curious indifference."
I'm interested hearing the stories of those on the board who had a Borderline Waif as a partner. Mine was a Waif, who could be incredibly sweet in demeanor - she never raged - but also could really manipulate effectively with the guilt tripping and emotional blackmail - all of it done in such a subconscious and undetectable way. She loved the feeling of being in love - the problems like depression, mood swings, and blaming always came as we transitioned into the second phase "valley" of the relationship. We did this 3x after every break up and without fail, we always ended up at the same place. I'd get exhausted with caretaking her emotional needs and slack off, while getting wiser to her cycles, patterns, & subconsious tricks, and then she'd begin detaching and then end it suddenly after finding some minor reason/event to blow out of proportion and claim as grounds for never seeing one another again. Always attempting to justify the impulsiveness, disrespect, and messy endings with "we just aren't meant to be together, because hithit_, hithit__, and hithithit__."
We'd get back together after negotiations - mostly me conceding to jump through more of her hoops (get a better job, get engaged/ring, etc). And her through mine (therapy, self improvement).
I'm not two months past our latest and final break up. And she is now engaged to new replacement who has had few R/S and is easily manipulated, from what I know. She's good. Real good.
Sad thing is I still miss her. Since Waifs don't usually rage (at least mine didn't), they're very adept at getting past one's emotional security system and bringing the whole system down with a crash. Trojan horse. It's fascinating clever and almost insidious at times.
It's really hard to forget them when your brain tends to cycle the good memories of their sweet Waif side over and over, while side tracking the bad. I've had to make a S-List in order to stay conscious of her bad characteristics
we had a small "break" that only lasted a few days, she came back, then broke up with me for good 2 days later. After the break up she gave constant mixed messages that went back and forth between absolutely raging at me/blaming everything on me to apologizing and telling me how much she missed me and that she just needed "time".
She had a very co-dependent side to her as well, something I've read is very common to BPD Waifs. But it was always as if her attention could only be on one person or group of people at once, she had no idea how to balance out her relationships with everyone. When she went through a withdrawal cycle, she would always be completely focused on her friends. Then I would withdraw just because I didn't have the energy in me to chase her, and she would suddenly start smothering me with attention and so on and so forth.
She usually had the front that she was very sweet, innocent, bubbly, and social. But during the devaluation stage I saw a side of her I'd never seen before, the side of her that was filled with rage that has built up over her lifetime. You could tell she wanted to torment me emotionally, it was as if I had murdered one of her loved ones or something.
My ex was also very manipulative, but did it in a very insideous way. It wasn't until weeks after our relationship ended that I realized the extend of her manipulation to get what she wanted. She had this way of insinuating that our relationship might be in jeopardy if I did not do A,B or C for her, and I like a fool did everything she wanted because I did not want to lose her. She was also a liar. Mostly lies of ommission, but a liar non the less. Again it wasn't until after our relationship that I found out the extent of her lies. This woman had lied to me about everything in her past. It was like I had been dating a stranger for almost seven years. WTH?
I too sometimes get caught up in thinking about the nice, vunerable side of her, and I tend to forget about the mean, selfish vindictive b*tch that lies beneath. She is so good at using her poor victim story to attract suitors. That's what she did with my replacement (ex-friend), and they fell for it hook line and sinker. I guess the ex-friend has their own future hell to go through to learn some valuable lessons about integrity and honor.
The borderline i was with was also the waif variety. Very beautiful, not amazingly sexy, or sex driven. Didn't rage, only lost it very early on. Everyone she had trusted had let her down, he ex was a monster. She would cry at the drop of a hat. For six years it was fine, until one day I wanted something for me. And that was it, she changed on a sixpence. I then spent years recycling, and trying to keep her boyed up.
She was so clever at manipulation. Subtle use of stealth words, that over time made you question your sanity. In fact she would look at me with pity, as though i was the one that was ill. When I started having therapy, she started to get more nervous. I would only have to glance at someone in the street for her to accuse me of having an affair. Sometimes months later.
A nightmare dressed as a rose ...
Strange thing is, I always knew in my gut, from the inception of our RS, that she was dangerous & untrustable in this dept, meaning she would leave our RS when our RS gas ran out, and someone else popped up.She swore she would never leave and was commited till the end - her jealousies seemed to testify to that - however it was all lip service. Lesson learned. ACTIONS ALWAYS SPEAK LOUDER THAN THEIR WORDS. And they have sooooooooooooo many words and declarations of love - even texting it robotically back and forth all day long, which I mostly happily participated in even though I sometimes thought, "This seems very High Schoolish and immature."
Many of the significant BPD relationships in my life have predominantly waif qualities, though I sometimes wonder if that's only because being a waif with me yielded better results than being otherwise (i.e., witch, queen, or hermit). I have suspected that these people change their "strategies" depending upon whom they are trying to influence.
My primary waif was also incredibly sweet, especially with new acquaintances. She never raged either. Frankly, rage would have been a deal breaker for me, so perhaps she knew better. On the other hand, she got everything she ever wanted from me via guilt tripping and emotional blackmail (also). I was always too eager to "fix" things and she would come up with an endless (and ever changing) list of things to work on.
Who doesn't? I just never knew that they could fall so readily in love with other people. Certainly I was led to believe that it was a much more "rare" event.
I "recycled" my relationship with her many, many, many times. Too many times for me to accurately recount. Often enough that I honestly couldn't tell you when we were "in a relationship" as opposed to "on a break." I was convinced to be in an "open" relationship for a while, though it was only open in the sense that she didn't have to feel guilty being with other people she'd never tell me about. I just thought she only had a "commitment" issue; it was but the tip of the iceberg.
There was a time that I "spent" so much of my time thinking about her welfare and emotional needs that I was in great denial of my own unmet needs and pain. The paradox for me was that so long as I was the "rescuer," I could defer my own needs. I always believed that once she got a "break" from her woes, then she might start taking care of me. And oh she promised this to be the case, but I never got beyond the promises.
Mine was married within the year after we broke up and we were "together" for more or less than 5 years. I wouldn't say that she was "good" at what she did/does, but rather that psychology plays a much bigger role in courtship/dating/relationships than most people realize.
It's really hard to forget them when your brain tends to cycle the good memories of their sweet Waif side over and over, while side tracking the bad. I've had to make a S-List in order to stay conscious of her bad characteristics.
Our (non-disordered) brains are not hard-wired to "forget" such significant attachments very easily. This is why we experience grief. This is why humanity has rituals associated with different kinds of loss. It can be helpful to maintain a "con's" list to counterweight those times when we might reminisce over the "pro's" of our relationship; but it is more helpful IMHO, to work on our acceptance that this person is mentally ill and recognize that all the "pro's" and "con's" are all expressions of their disorder.
This may be hard to accept but, for pwBPD, our relationships are not "a good thing" or a good deal they mistakenly passed up; our relationships are somehow a catalyst for their disordered feelings which only escalate the longer they stay with us. For all the "good" we do for them, the more their feelings of intimacy are triggered, the more they become overwhelmed by their disordered fear that we will unexpectedly abandon them.
I think all they ever want is a relationship that does not end up making them feel this way, but the problem lies in them and not in their selection of partners.
Ditto on my end too. The way I'd described it was that my heart overrode my gut and head, much to my regret.
I don't think it was just lip service, she meant what she said when she said it. But she said it without the understanding of her mental disorder. She didn't understand why her feelings swung so often and so intensely. And she wanted to believe that her feelings didn't or won't change. But they did.
Would push me away when her heart started getting involved then come back in a rush when her feelings abated. No rage but a master manipulator! I always took her back and this happened 10X over 12 months. Build me up then tear me down. Cute as a button, sweet as pie and good in bed. I was emotionally mind screwed as we all were and are.
Mine was looking for lonely internationals as a victim. Her trick was to take advantage of their loneliness, and their eastern culture. She started by being sweet/shy/vulnerable/victim of being forced living with abusive dad. She then became seductive and using sex for controlling/manipulation. all victims were her first sexual experience, and she would'nt do it with anybody else. (she was being intimate with me and her bf at the same time, and telling us the same bs)
Now she got married to her Indian bf. (thanks god, she would'nt let me go. we had 6 closures. I finally contacted her bf to get rid of her.) She was quiet and never raged, she was acting out just when lies were found. She then went to state of "denial" like nothing happened and try to compensate with make up sex and acting vulnerable/ and blaming her father for all her troubles.
Waifs, of any variety, require rescuing on their terms. Whether you live up to the fantasy and continue to capitulate irregardless of their behavior and your needs will determine the outcome.
They speak to our inner fixer. Once we are emotionally exhausted and drained we can no longer fulfill the obligations we once did by rescuing and the fantasy becomes reality. And, the waif leaves to find fulfillment in one who can. There is no equity in a relationship like this.
My uBPD/NPD STBXw was a waif for most of oor r/s.
She had been a victim for most of her life.
Anyone would take pity on her when she told the stories of her father, her bosses, friends that had treater her badly, her family that were mean to he.
She craved to be loved and looked after.
What does this say about me as a man that I used to find this actractive?
She certainly was not normal. I know that.
She is no longer a waif with me. She is full of blame, accusations, resentment and rejection. I'm sure her new bf has not seen this side of her yet.
So my question to you is why did you find your waif attractive?
What need in you did it satisfy to have a waif in your life?
"For me it filled a void of loneliness and my desire to help people. Having what felt like a best friend and gf at the same time seemed perfect, at the time."
Same here.
Like others, I think they switch Borderline roles as the RS comes to an end, mutating into a Witch or Queen in order to mentally disengage from the RS when the split. That sweet waif goes bye bye and in comes the terror.
The love is so sweet with the Waif in the beginning, which makes it astronomically harder to process the devaluation during the break ups.
my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years showed strong traits of a vulnerable narc
and traits of waif BPD. I got the worst of both worlds. She was always
the victim and the emotional abuse/blackmail was ridiculous. There
were some rages during the r/s, but more emotional dysregulation and
emotional immaturity. She was a 42 year old professional who thought it
was completely acceptable to show up at my door at midnight with the
glossy BPD eyes acting like an emotionally dysregulated 3 year old. The
rage would normally happen if she didn't feel like I was responding
appropriately. Then, she could sit in front of a T and completely
justify how she acted. I was so caught up in her reality that I thought
I was completely crazy. So, year, victim, emotionally dysregulated,
some rages, dis-associative behavior, emotionally abusive, self
loathing, inability to self soothe, manipulative and controlling,
emotionally immature, lacking empathy, at times darkly depressed, would
be extremely emotional and aware of her feelings only as they related to
her alone, etc. From what I understand, she had a replacement within
two weeks and now another. She can't tolerate being alone and must have
her "supply".
I'm 70 days out and nearly 60 days n/c. The whole thing so messed with my mind and I'm going through waves of emotions lately. I'm really determined to come out of this mess healthy and ready to live, breathe, grow and love again...
Mine was a waif and she was the kind of girl who could easily have passed for the vicar's daughter. Exceptionally pretty and well presented with an ability to charm and be very sweet.
However, behind closed doors, there would be moments when I would just despair with her nasty words, humiliating actions and hatred of me and herself. She REALLY hated herself. She would buy all of the best clothes that money could, beautiful shoes, posh mayfair haircuts, but she knew that much of it was via mummy's money -and after the initial joy of purchasing, the reality ATE her up.
She was SOOOOOO talented and sooooo beautiful -she could do anything, but No. She's too ill and the 1hr a week T makes no tangible difference on a life where she's 30 and can't forver live like a student.
I feel sorry for her. I really do. And I nearly died from her words and actions. What a waste.
Her mood swings were off the charts. She could be driving with me in the car acting goofy one minute and then suddenly, she's in tears. Always crying. And when she cried, I had to stop everything to give her a hug. A LONG hug. And her shoulders and back always ached so I had to give rubdowns/massages. Not gentle rubs, she wanted like deep tissue massages. Funny story but a female friend of mine had sore shoulders just the other day (yes, this triggered) me. I went to rub them and she said "ouch! you don't know your own strength!". My fingers would cramp from massaging so hard and then she would complain if I stopped too sooon. She actually mentions that in her last email to me "It always seemed like it was such a burdon for you to just rub my shoulders".
Add hypochondriac to the list. She had gastro-intestinal illness. Some thing that doctors couldn't find anything wrong but she did her own research for and "discovered" that she has endometriosis. She found some OTC chewables that are filled with calcium. She'd eat those things like candy before and after every meal. Well, that led to kidney stones. So we had a number of ER visits for this and that.
She can't keep a job. Just like how she cycles through bf's, she cycles through jobs. She would call me crying because she was so stressed out. I would have to go over on my lunch break just to hug her, rub her shoulders and tell her that it would be ok. She'd eventually just walk out of every job. She can't multitask. She can only focus on one thing but for a short period of time. ADD probably.
I was isolated and lost my own identity. I stopped working out and gained a lot of weight. If I did go to the gym, she'd stop by just to say hi (she didn't workout herself).
Unlike others here, my ex was a good care taker. I think that she was seeking my approval in the same way that she sought it from her dad (but never got it). I injured my arm once and needed stitches. She RACED to the ER and had such a panicked look on her face; as if I might die from the thing and then she'd be lost and lonely. She would have a foot bath ready for me and a heating pad for my back if my day was hard (due to me being out of shape and overweight at the time). She'd then prepare dinner. I loved the attention. She would later throw all of this back on me though because as she indicated, it seemed that I never respected her and that I took her for granted.
If there wasn't already enough drama going on, she would create it.
I believe mine was a waif and hermit type too. It's great to know about all your stories. Mine had eating disorders, didnt rage, had a great engulfment fear, always was complaining about other people, work, her family... Was really beautiful and smart, talented for anything she'd want, but unable to stick to anything. She used work as a regulation source, or maybe to avoid feeling the void. Many similarities to all of your stories. And she also had some very strange nearly psychotic episodes, in which, in a matter of minutes, in the daytime, she felt a great sadness and despair, like everything was so bad and the world was black. She said it was like a dark cloud just overwhelmed her inside. This was similar to a rapid cycling bipolar episode.
She didn't rage but always found ways to victimize herself. She would bait me by passiv-aggressiv behavior until I took the bait and then she would always call me "harsh" or "aggressiv" when in reality I just reacted to her baits.
She was super innocent, nice and cute and the beginning of the relationship and made me feel like I am the best thing that ever happened to her. When we met I was also at a bad place because my first love cheated on me and broke my heart. She had awful parents, I am pretty sure that her mother has BPD as well. Sometimes she would call my ex and freak out on her and other times she was super nice and caring. Even though she was a virgin when we met, the sex was mind-blowing at the beginning of the relationship. However, towards the end of the relationship she started to withdraw her attention more and more and sex became so rare that I complained about it at some point. She told me that I am too demanding and that I need to understand that she is stressed.
The hardest thing with the borderline waif is to make a coherent picture of them in your mind. On one side I see that poor, little, innocent girl that would always cry when we had an argument. On the other side I see this vindictive b!tch that moved on within a couple of days and replaced me after two month and didn't have anything nice to tell me anymore after our break up.
PS: She was also always tired and felt sick. A couple a weeks before we broke up she even went to the doctor to get a check up.
I met my ex-gf (perhaps uBPD) in 2009, me at the time being 33 and her 23.
I wasn’t really attracted to her in the beginning of the relationship. I had, just a few months before, moved to a new country to start a new job and was quite lonely, however contempt (this was my dream job!). She was just like the analogy with the fisher, line, hook and bait and “the fish” that jumps over the railing! I wasn’t even fishing!
She was a work colleague at my new work and picked up conversation with me, added me on Facebook etc. All of a sudden I was on date no. 2 (which I just wanted to be friendly as she didn’t appeal to me as a type - quiet, shy, quite plainly dressed etc.). But being lonely and having this friendly girl in my apartment for coffee led to sex. And that was it! I was in a relationship from that day on. I know this may say something about my self-esteem and ability to say “no” to women?
She did everything to please me, agreed with me on everything etc. EXCEPT, the crucial point, that haunted our relationship from there on: after less that 2 weeks, she told me that she didn’t want to have “fun”, she wanted a husband and a family. I told her “easy we still don’t even know each other. If it’s not fun how can it develop into something serious” and that it wasn’t something that I wanted in a foreseeable future (remember I had just moved to a foreign country and had no idea if I could stay there indefinitely (yet, still here on the 5th year), I just wanted a girlfriend I could hang out with. This hurt her and I felt guilty for it, but we continued the relationship anyway.
This enormous love from her actually felt smothering to me and scared me off a bit, and made me put even more distance when it came to commitment, because commitment to her now seemed like the huge all-or-nothing deal. I did commit with my actions, though. Conveniently, I would almost say, our relationship turned long-distance, as she changed job. I revealed our profession on other sites, so I have no problem here too. I am a pilot and she is a Flight Attendant. So being on different schedule and commuting to see each other, was not THAT difficult.
There are many examples of her push/pull, but here is one that repeated itself countless times. Before she would come visit me, she would write how hard is was to be separated, how much she loved me and that she couldn’t imagine a life without me. When she then came, she would start an argument, and be mad at me until she was bound to return home. When I drove her to the airport, she would break down and cry: “I want to stay with you, I don’t want to go, I don’t know why I behave like that” and “I am afraid you will forget me and find someone else when I am away”. So, I would comfort and validate her, and get nice and sweet text messages from her, and the cycle would repeat it self next time she came. Sometimes to lesser extent, also depending on how stubborn I would be to take the first step to reconciliation (which I always had to do, if I didn’t want the argument to last until she left). But EVERY time we had some sort of argument. There were of course also great times. So, when I saw her e.g. 4 times a month, and 2 times we had a larger argument, I wasn’t sure if it was just due to PMS or was just her character.
The longer we were together, the more she also “grew on” me. During our first year together, I though of breaking up with her countless times. Because of her mood swings, not that well educated/lack of basic general knowledge, hence difficult to have “adult conversation” with. But I couldn’t go through with it, because I was sure it would crush her. And she was so fragile, that I couldn’t have that on my conscience. She was sooo I love with me (she even wanted one of my t-shirts to have in her apartment when I was away), very caring, supportive of me and I learned the language being with her.
After about 1 year, I learned for the first time that something was wrong with her. She always had to go to the drug store and sometimes it was a bit panicky. On one occasion it was tight and I asked her it it couldn’t wait till monday (weekend plans). But, no. She HAD to pick up some medication. She wouldn’t tell what it was, and therefore I became VERY insistent to know. It turned out to be anti-depressants, that she had taken since her teenage years. She also told me she had been institutionalized for a few week with a depression where all she could do was cry. That she had previously been in therapy, for 10 years. I told her that she in my opinion didn’t need them and I think she should stop (I am not a fan of putting chemicals into the human body). Her response was: “You wouldn’t like me if I didn’t take them, I don’t even like MYSELF if I don’t take them”. On another occasion she also alluded to, that she was sexually abused as a child. I never learned the details, other than it had something to do with pornographic images. Because this was something that she definitely didn’t want to talk about. If she walked in on her father masturbating or if it was something worse I don’t know. He was actually a very nice person and had a very big heart, unfortunately also very unhealthy heart. The divorce from her mother, with whom my ex had a rather cold relationship, had taken it’s toll on him (BPDm? - I didn’t know her that well, because the visits there where always short - hello, eat something, leave). Suffice is to say that she wasn’t very supportive of my ex, always telling her what she had done wrong/could do differently. Their divorce also took it’s toll on my ex-gf and she was struggling with that in her teens. She was also bullied by her sister and brother (she is the middle child), had problems in school was pronounced as having Dyscalculia and teased that she was stupid, she obviously had and still has self-esteem problems.
The first 1 1/2 year went by like that, we had a great time, most of the time. Thought, I would often be “punished” with silent treatment (or threats) if I said something wrong, made a false remark or made comments about other women. Like another work colleague was always traveling in her spare time, and my remark was “yes, she has an amazing energy”, she told me “why don’t you start a relationship with her then, if you like her so much” - completely out of proportions. She made the marriage/children thing a big issue on several occasions and already at that time put an expiry date on the relationship. That at some point she would want children and move on. To me this was ridiculous after only 3-4 month relationship, and also - how realistic was that when she said she couldn’t imagine living without me? She also broke up with me once, due to me being sick and not wanting her over at my apartment. Of course the marriage/children issue was again brought up, like they were connected. She told me to pick my stuff up at her place or I could buy it on e-bay. I went over to her, thinking I finally had my way out. But, her waifness again made me suggest to talk things over. Also she had a couple of my-language dictionaries lying on her table, and again I felt so sorry for her. Like “look you fool, she even tries to learn your language - why are you throwing this girl away” (she never learned my language by the way, let alone look in the dictionaries). I laughed once at her pronunciation and she saw that as me ridiculing her, so on her own account she didn’t feel like trying. It was never that important to me, as we both were living in her country, it was more important that I learned her language. But anyway, we were back together. During all this time she was practically living with me, when I was not away on work (if she was away, she would go from my place). The sex was still great, but never initiated by her. I went through 10 days of vacation with her, without sex. Because I had become stubborn and wanted her to initiate (how stupid of me).
She stopped the antidepressants, due to having an accident with her arm at work, apparently she got some painkillers that should be taken together with the antidepressants - at least that is what she told me. I didn’t notice any change in her mood, if anything she seemed at bit more lively, and a bit more assertive, which was a quality I also found lacking in her, according to the “image” of a gf that I had in mind. So, that was actually a positive development to me.
Fast forward, 1 1/2 years and the relationship became long-distance (45 mins by plane, 6 hours by car - but both being in the airline business it wasn’t much of a problem). The relationship became more and more parent-child like, I had now deep feelings for her, and also felt that I had to help her improve herself. The “adult conversations”, became more of educational, no matter which topic we would be discussing. I am also 10 years older than her. At one point in the recurrent discussions about children (her shaming me for not wanting to give her what she wanted the most), I spontaneously said to her “I already have a child”. Her new job was in the region where she grew up, so she moved back in with her father, with whom she was very close and dependent. She told me through out the relationship, my father is very sick and doesn’t have long to live, “he is the most important person in my life, he is the only one that understands me, the only one that just listen - my world will collapse when he dies, it’s the most terrible thing that can happen to me”.
The long distance relationship actually worked well, I suppose because she wasn’t lonely when she wasn’t with me, then she had her father. Except for the push/pull it actually felt good, like a relationship is supposed to be. Her new job of course sucked just as bad as the old one, all her colleagues were idiots, rude or incompetent. Generally she has a very pessimistic outlook and always use a lot of sarcasm. She can also be very “light”, funny and just someone who creates a good mood - especially in company with others (keeping up appearances).
Fast forward another 1 1/2 - 2 years, and I had changed job too and was about to move. As we decided we should try to move together in the region where she comes from, I would temporary move in with her and her father - a friend of the father was living in the house too. That was december 2012. Just a few days into 2013 (won’t write the date, because of google and the other many details here), her father died of a stroke. The friend found him on his couch and called us that something was wrong. I will never forget as she came back up to me, almost unable to breathe “I.. think.. my.. father.. is.. dead”.
Quiet, shy, social anxiety, very sexual, never cursed at me in 3 years, never spoke badly about anyone but my ex wife, eyes never wondered in public, subtly passive aggressive, Gaslighting big time, secretive, compartmentalized with her parents her friend and I, she would never do anything like date my friend like others have, never spoke poorly of exes, no obvious sustained addictions, very good self control, more engulfment issues than abandonment until the end, wasn't capable of logical arguments, spent a lot of time at her parents (30 yo), she was actually married but never lived with him, didn't like to use condoms, went on only 2 trips with me in three years, stayed with me most nights but NEVER left anything at my house, for 3 years she constantly said "we need to end this", was not materialistic at all, hermit like, never uses social media but blocked me on Facebook before we started dating even though I had her Facebook password, rarely expected me to support her financially, never really bought me any gifts or anything sentimental, some mirroring but more with her friend, scared of a committed relationship, seemed like she knew she would never be able to have a lasting relationship, educated and working on her masters even though she was awkward at work and only good at non-stressful repetitive work, pretty oblivious to things in the world except music movies and reality TV, very attractive but she would come to work at times without makeup looking bad, rarely wore nice clothes but would dress up loosely when we went out
I am the same way. She has broken up with me 20 times but I always go back. She does the same thing your guy does. Two weeks will go by and then I will get a text or email "How are you" and that's it. It brings me right back to ground zero all over again. I've told her to stop and she doesn't. I blocked her number and she got her daughter to call me. I know now I have a co-dependency issue and was swallowed up in the idealization stage. It felt incredible. But now I want a healthy relationship where I give and receive.
I know all the rational anwers on what I should do and how I should behave and yet, I am just not there yet.
It helps so much to share with you guys. Today is hard. I know I will hear from him, but I want to hear from him now! It's like I am the 2 year old, not him, for a change. I just want to get it over with.
It was 11 months of insanity that I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. It literally felt like military mental torture at times. I loved her good side like she was my soul mate yet the evil and distancing in her alwaya won out in our relationship. I left for the final time after saying i would over repeatedly, each time her begging me to stay until one day she just stopped begging and let me go while keeping the reins of conteolmover my daughter.
A jagged and bleeding hole in my metaphorical heart remains & I finally had to give myself closure as she wasnt capable of anything nearing emotional communication.
It took me five years to finally shut that chapter in my life. It was a very valuable lesson learned.
My daughter stayed with her after I left then finally left herself, at age 18. To this day my bpdx stll pays my daughter’s rent on her Apt and cell phone yet hasnt’t spoken a word to me. When i left for the final time she shut me out like i never existed. I can only imagine it is for the best that she hasn’t and as much as the voice of auld lang synes waxes sentimental in a heart that wanted to believe in and protect that part of her that had a wounded, child-like soul i realize only in retrospect that I fell in love with love a mirage that tunes into, mirrored what i had
Hoped for then turned the tables on me. The hardest part was realizing i’d been duped-that none of it was real inthe truest sense, that It was a facade and I believed her! I was wrong to-if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. A visage of a love we all seek, now i all i have left are the memories of what i wished had been real and am comforted in knowing that all those hopes and dreams i had came from me. I created them and I am the one that had the capability for all that live that she rejected.
In the end, i deaerved and will fund better
The what she sild me up the river for. All of us Nons do, so keep your heads high, youre Not the sick one, THEY are. But be once bitten twice shy as you now have know the difference.
Take care of yourselves!
This song here envelopes the sadness and despair I felt in my BPD relationships demis.
Over the years it has become a distant and numbes ache of yearning indifference, if that makes any sense-the lingering demise of all the hopes and dreams of a relationship that i so much wantes to believe was real yet after its demise, left me only wondering why she chose to mirror those things i so much wanted, only to to have them thrown back in my face. It was
The cruelest of emotional betrayals of which
My heart is now so guarded to.
In retrospect, i could never go back to her if she called or texted. I could never trust her again. It would never be the same. It was only a dream within a dream.
The relationship always seemed too good to be true. Although I always knew something was a bit off (among hearing plenty of stories), I was absolutely blinded by the way she “loved” me. It was heaven on earth. I felt like she was constantly testing me and was incapable of reasoning through simple issues. Then about one year into it, She was secretly dating someone behind my back – my world was shattered. The pain was unbearable. the only solution in my eyes was to get back with her just to escape the pain. We worked on this issue for about a month, and accepting it was near impossible but I wanted to hold on to her at all costs. Then all of a sudden, she up and left me and couldn’t provide me with a valid reason of doing so. Weeks went by and then somehow i became the absolute worst thing in her eyes. Everything was my fault. I was in a deep hole of depression and then she had to pile this onto my plate. The only solution was to block her. I now am on my way to a slow and tough recovery.
If this sounds familiar at all, run away and never look back. She/he will crush you, and rest assured it will happen.
If looks could kill…
Two Years After My BPD Breakup
This is from a blog written by a man recovering for a BPD Waif relationship. The "BPD waif" is the type that is always needing help with everything. It's a parent child relationship and the waif is the child. Here is his story with the same feelings many have after the relationship/Fantasy ends.
"Here I am, two years after breaking up with my Borderline disordered ex-girlfriend. I never imagined that I would make it; that sounds so crazy now. For the first six months, I was an absolute wreck. There was nothing I could do to get away from it. The breakup was like a barbed-wire thread that was needled through every part of my life.
I’d go to sleep at night replaying our relationship, the things she said and did, and the breakup over-and-over-and-over again. I’d wake up in the morning (or sometimes in the middle of the night, sweat-soaked) and continue ruminating. I was obsessed and trapped in painful cyclone of mixed emotions. Emotions that had no boundaries and ran together like different colored paints smeared on a canvas.
My emotions had no distinction. There was no love, hate, sad, happy, bad, or good. Everything was a paradox then. Good felt bad and bad felt worse. Happiness became flash-moments when I recognized the old me. I was perpetually depressed and shaken and teeming with anxiety.
Thinking back on those days now, they seem dreamlike. It feels as though I watched all of that happen to someone else; it certainly wasn’t me. It really wasn’t me. I am not that crumbling heap-of-a-person anymore. I cannot imagine ever being that person again. I am forever changed.
I know I will never give someone that much of myself again. That is both good and bad I suppose. I am still struggling to truly let go and let myself love another fully. I will never open myself up to that wall of hurt again. Maybe that will change with more time, but I’m still not there yet I suppose.
Nearly two years to the day now… My ex has little to no grip on me whatsoever. I have occasional thoughts about her, but they mostly come and go quickly. There is no pain associated with the thoughts of her. I have reached indifference, curious indifference."
I'm interested hearing the stories of those on the board who had a Borderline Waif as a partner. Mine was a Waif, who could be incredibly sweet in demeanor - she never raged - but also could really manipulate effectively with the guilt tripping and emotional blackmail - all of it done in such a subconscious and undetectable way. She loved the feeling of being in love - the problems like depression, mood swings, and blaming always came as we transitioned into the second phase "valley" of the relationship. We did this 3x after every break up and without fail, we always ended up at the same place. I'd get exhausted with caretaking her emotional needs and slack off, while getting wiser to her cycles, patterns, & subconsious tricks, and then she'd begin detaching and then end it suddenly after finding some minor reason/event to blow out of proportion and claim as grounds for never seeing one another again. Always attempting to justify the impulsiveness, disrespect, and messy endings with "we just aren't meant to be together, because hithit_, hithit__, and hithithit__."
We'd get back together after negotiations - mostly me conceding to jump through more of her hoops (get a better job, get engaged/ring, etc). And her through mine (therapy, self improvement).
I'm not two months past our latest and final break up. And she is now engaged to new replacement who has had few R/S and is easily manipulated, from what I know. She's good. Real good.
Sad thing is I still miss her. Since Waifs don't usually rage (at least mine didn't), they're very adept at getting past one's emotional security system and bringing the whole system down with a crash. Trojan horse. It's fascinating clever and almost insidious at times.
It's really hard to forget them when your brain tends to cycle the good memories of their sweet Waif side over and over, while side tracking the bad. I've had to make a S-List in order to stay conscious of her bad characteristics
we had a small "break" that only lasted a few days, she came back, then broke up with me for good 2 days later. After the break up she gave constant mixed messages that went back and forth between absolutely raging at me/blaming everything on me to apologizing and telling me how much she missed me and that she just needed "time".
She had a very co-dependent side to her as well, something I've read is very common to BPD Waifs. But it was always as if her attention could only be on one person or group of people at once, she had no idea how to balance out her relationships with everyone. When she went through a withdrawal cycle, she would always be completely focused on her friends. Then I would withdraw just because I didn't have the energy in me to chase her, and she would suddenly start smothering me with attention and so on and so forth.
She usually had the front that she was very sweet, innocent, bubbly, and social. But during the devaluation stage I saw a side of her I'd never seen before, the side of her that was filled with rage that has built up over her lifetime. You could tell she wanted to torment me emotionally, it was as if I had murdered one of her loved ones or something.
My ex was also very manipulative, but did it in a very insideous way. It wasn't until weeks after our relationship ended that I realized the extend of her manipulation to get what she wanted. She had this way of insinuating that our relationship might be in jeopardy if I did not do A,B or C for her, and I like a fool did everything she wanted because I did not want to lose her. She was also a liar. Mostly lies of ommission, but a liar non the less. Again it wasn't until after our relationship that I found out the extent of her lies. This woman had lied to me about everything in her past. It was like I had been dating a stranger for almost seven years. WTH?
I too sometimes get caught up in thinking about the nice, vunerable side of her, and I tend to forget about the mean, selfish vindictive b*tch that lies beneath. She is so good at using her poor victim story to attract suitors. That's what she did with my replacement (ex-friend), and they fell for it hook line and sinker. I guess the ex-friend has their own future hell to go through to learn some valuable lessons about integrity and honor.
The borderline i was with was also the waif variety. Very beautiful, not amazingly sexy, or sex driven. Didn't rage, only lost it very early on. Everyone she had trusted had let her down, he ex was a monster. She would cry at the drop of a hat. For six years it was fine, until one day I wanted something for me. And that was it, she changed on a sixpence. I then spent years recycling, and trying to keep her boyed up.
She was so clever at manipulation. Subtle use of stealth words, that over time made you question your sanity. In fact she would look at me with pity, as though i was the one that was ill. When I started having therapy, she started to get more nervous. I would only have to glance at someone in the street for her to accuse me of having an affair. Sometimes months later.
A nightmare dressed as a rose ...
Strange thing is, I always knew in my gut, from the inception of our RS, that she was dangerous & untrustable in this dept, meaning she would leave our RS when our RS gas ran out, and someone else popped up.She swore she would never leave and was commited till the end - her jealousies seemed to testify to that - however it was all lip service. Lesson learned. ACTIONS ALWAYS SPEAK LOUDER THAN THEIR WORDS. And they have sooooooooooooo many words and declarations of love - even texting it robotically back and forth all day long, which I mostly happily participated in even though I sometimes thought, "This seems very High Schoolish and immature."
...Mine was a Waif, who could be incredibly sweet in
demeanor - she never raged - but also could really manipulate
effectively with the guilt tripping and emotional blackmail - all of it
done in such a subconscious and undetectable way.
Many of the significant BPD relationships in my life have predominantly waif qualities, though I sometimes wonder if that's only because being a waif with me yielded better results than being otherwise (i.e., witch, queen, or hermit). I have suspected that these people change their "strategies" depending upon whom they are trying to influence.
My primary waif was also incredibly sweet, especially with new acquaintances. She never raged either. Frankly, rage would have been a deal breaker for me, so perhaps she knew better. On the other hand, she got everything she ever wanted from me via guilt tripping and emotional blackmail (also). I was always too eager to "fix" things and she would come up with an endless (and ever changing) list of things to work on.
She loved the feeling of being in love
Who doesn't? I just never knew that they could fall so readily in love with other people. Certainly I was led to believe that it was a much more "rare" event.
-
the problems like depression, mood swings, and blaming always came as
we transitioned into the second phase "valley" of the relationship. We
did this 3x after every break up and without fail, we always ended up at
the same place.
I "recycled" my relationship with her many, many, many times. Too many times for me to accurately recount. Often enough that I honestly couldn't tell you when we were "in a relationship" as opposed to "on a break." I was convinced to be in an "open" relationship for a while, though it was only open in the sense that she didn't have to feel guilty being with other people she'd never tell me about. I just thought she only had a "commitment" issue; it was but the tip of the iceberg.
I'd get exhausted with caretaking her emotional needs and slack off,
There was a time that I "spent" so much of my time thinking about her welfare and emotional needs that I was in great denial of my own unmet needs and pain. The paradox for me was that so long as I was the "rescuer," I could defer my own needs. I always believed that once she got a "break" from her woes, then she might start taking care of me. And oh she promised this to be the case, but I never got beyond the promises.
I'm
not two months past our latest and final break up. And she is now
engaged to new replacement who has had few R/S and is easily
manipulated, from what I know. She's good. Real good.
Mine was married within the year after we broke up and we were "together" for more or less than 5 years. I wouldn't say that she was "good" at what she did/does, but rather that psychology plays a much bigger role in courtship/dating/relationships than most people realize.
It's really hard to forget them when your brain tends to cycle the good memories of their sweet Waif side over and over, while side tracking the bad. I've had to make a S-List in order to stay conscious of her bad characteristics.
Our (non-disordered) brains are not hard-wired to "forget" such significant attachments very easily. This is why we experience grief. This is why humanity has rituals associated with different kinds of loss. It can be helpful to maintain a "con's" list to counterweight those times when we might reminisce over the "pro's" of our relationship; but it is more helpful IMHO, to work on our acceptance that this person is mentally ill and recognize that all the "pro's" and "con's" are all expressions of their disorder.
..Mind blowing how they can throw a good thing away so thoughtlessly when another suitor is lined up.
This may be hard to accept but, for pwBPD, our relationships are not "a good thing" or a good deal they mistakenly passed up; our relationships are somehow a catalyst for their disordered feelings which only escalate the longer they stay with us. For all the "good" we do for them, the more their feelings of intimacy are triggered, the more they become overwhelmed by their disordered fear that we will unexpectedly abandon them.
I think all they ever want is a relationship that does not end up making them feel this way, but the problem lies in them and not in their selection of partners.
Strange
thing is, I always knew in my gut, from the inception of our RS, that
she was dangerous & untrustable in this dept, meaning she would
leave our RS when our RS gas ran out, and someone else popped up. I
suppressed this gut feeling throughout the RS, thinking I was being
paranoid and insecure (wrong again!).
Ditto on my end too. The way I'd described it was that my heart overrode my gut and head, much to my regret.
She
swore she would never leave and was commited till the end - her
jealousies seemed to testify to that - however it was all lip service.
I don't think it was just lip service, she meant what she said when she said it. But she said it without the understanding of her mental disorder. She didn't understand why her feelings swung so often and so intensely. And she wanted to believe that her feelings didn't or won't change. But they did.
Would push me away when her heart started getting involved then come back in a rush when her feelings abated. No rage but a master manipulator! I always took her back and this happened 10X over 12 months. Build me up then tear me down. Cute as a button, sweet as pie and good in bed. I was emotionally mind screwed as we all were and are.
Mine was looking for lonely internationals as a victim. Her trick was to take advantage of their loneliness, and their eastern culture. She started by being sweet/shy/vulnerable/victim of being forced living with abusive dad. She then became seductive and using sex for controlling/manipulation. all victims were her first sexual experience, and she would'nt do it with anybody else. (she was being intimate with me and her bf at the same time, and telling us the same bs)
Now she got married to her Indian bf. (thanks god, she would'nt let me go. we had 6 closures. I finally contacted her bf to get rid of her.) She was quiet and never raged, she was acting out just when lies were found. She then went to state of "denial" like nothing happened and try to compensate with make up sex and acting vulnerable/ and blaming her father for all her troubles.
Waifs, of any variety, require rescuing on their terms. Whether you live up to the fantasy and continue to capitulate irregardless of their behavior and your needs will determine the outcome.
They speak to our inner fixer. Once we are emotionally exhausted and drained we can no longer fulfill the obligations we once did by rescuing and the fantasy becomes reality. And, the waif leaves to find fulfillment in one who can. There is no equity in a relationship like this.
Not
all waifs are thin. The ex did have eating disorder issues and her
Mother was a stick, however she was blessed with a naturally healthy
figure regardless of how much she punished herself. The amount of
thinking she did in silence was crazy. She was always trying to get a
controllable angle on things. Most of the time she was quiet however
there were times when she informed me that she was going to beat the
crap out of someone and at times that was also pointed at me. By the
time I came along, she had been through a marriage and had some sort of
"memorised" coping strategies from counselling. She did fluctuate
between victim and punisher mentality. The mind games/break ups were
exhausting. Ultimately, she would stop at nothing to punish and torture
anyone who really loves her. There may be co-morbity of NPD and possibly
HPD although she was not a loud person.
She had been a victim for most of her life.
Anyone would take pity on her when she told the stories of her father, her bosses, friends that had treater her badly, her family that were mean to he.
She craved to be loved and looked after.
What does this say about me as a man that I used to find this actractive?
She certainly was not normal. I know that.
She is no longer a waif with me. She is full of blame, accusations, resentment and rejection. I'm sure her new bf has not seen this side of her yet.
So my question to you is why did you find your waif attractive?
What need in you did it satisfy to have a waif in your life?
"For me it filled a void of loneliness and my desire to help people. Having what felt like a best friend and gf at the same time seemed perfect, at the time."
Same here.
Like others, I think they switch Borderline roles as the RS comes to an end, mutating into a Witch or Queen in order to mentally disengage from the RS when the split. That sweet waif goes bye bye and in comes the terror.
The love is so sweet with the Waif in the beginning, which makes it astronomically harder to process the devaluation during the break ups.
MJJ
makes a good point. We get fooled (largely by ourselves) into believing
they are helpless victims until they become the perpetrator and throw
nothing but false accusations, blame and hatred our way. Like my T
mentioned to me several times, even drawing a diagram for me to remember
it with, she is a survivor and not the person I thought she was.
I'm 70 days out and nearly 60 days n/c. The whole thing so messed with my mind and I'm going through waves of emotions lately. I'm really determined to come out of this mess healthy and ready to live, breathe, grow and love again...
Mine was a waif and she was the kind of girl who could easily have passed for the vicar's daughter. Exceptionally pretty and well presented with an ability to charm and be very sweet.
However, behind closed doors, there would be moments when I would just despair with her nasty words, humiliating actions and hatred of me and herself. She REALLY hated herself. She would buy all of the best clothes that money could, beautiful shoes, posh mayfair haircuts, but she knew that much of it was via mummy's money -and after the initial joy of purchasing, the reality ATE her up.
She was SOOOOOO talented and sooooo beautiful -she could do anything, but No. She's too ill and the 1hr a week T makes no tangible difference on a life where she's 30 and can't forver live like a student.
I feel sorry for her. I really do. And I nearly died from her words and actions. What a waste.
Her mood swings were off the charts. She could be driving with me in the car acting goofy one minute and then suddenly, she's in tears. Always crying. And when she cried, I had to stop everything to give her a hug. A LONG hug. And her shoulders and back always ached so I had to give rubdowns/massages. Not gentle rubs, she wanted like deep tissue massages. Funny story but a female friend of mine had sore shoulders just the other day (yes, this triggered) me. I went to rub them and she said "ouch! you don't know your own strength!". My fingers would cramp from massaging so hard and then she would complain if I stopped too sooon. She actually mentions that in her last email to me "It always seemed like it was such a burdon for you to just rub my shoulders".
Add hypochondriac to the list. She had gastro-intestinal illness. Some thing that doctors couldn't find anything wrong but she did her own research for and "discovered" that she has endometriosis. She found some OTC chewables that are filled with calcium. She'd eat those things like candy before and after every meal. Well, that led to kidney stones. So we had a number of ER visits for this and that.
She can't keep a job. Just like how she cycles through bf's, she cycles through jobs. She would call me crying because she was so stressed out. I would have to go over on my lunch break just to hug her, rub her shoulders and tell her that it would be ok. She'd eventually just walk out of every job. She can't multitask. She can only focus on one thing but for a short period of time. ADD probably.
I was isolated and lost my own identity. I stopped working out and gained a lot of weight. If I did go to the gym, she'd stop by just to say hi (she didn't workout herself).
Unlike others here, my ex was a good care taker. I think that she was seeking my approval in the same way that she sought it from her dad (but never got it). I injured my arm once and needed stitches. She RACED to the ER and had such a panicked look on her face; as if I might die from the thing and then she'd be lost and lonely. She would have a foot bath ready for me and a heating pad for my back if my day was hard (due to me being out of shape and overweight at the time). She'd then prepare dinner. I loved the attention. She would later throw all of this back on me though because as she indicated, it seemed that I never respected her and that I took her for granted.
If there wasn't already enough drama going on, she would create it.
I believe mine was a waif and hermit type too. It's great to know about all your stories. Mine had eating disorders, didnt rage, had a great engulfment fear, always was complaining about other people, work, her family... Was really beautiful and smart, talented for anything she'd want, but unable to stick to anything. She used work as a regulation source, or maybe to avoid feeling the void. Many similarities to all of your stories. And she also had some very strange nearly psychotic episodes, in which, in a matter of minutes, in the daytime, she felt a great sadness and despair, like everything was so bad and the world was black. She said it was like a dark cloud just overwhelmed her inside. This was similar to a rapid cycling bipolar episode.
She didn't rage but always found ways to victimize herself. She would bait me by passiv-aggressiv behavior until I took the bait and then she would always call me "harsh" or "aggressiv" when in reality I just reacted to her baits.
She was super innocent, nice and cute and the beginning of the relationship and made me feel like I am the best thing that ever happened to her. When we met I was also at a bad place because my first love cheated on me and broke my heart. She had awful parents, I am pretty sure that her mother has BPD as well. Sometimes she would call my ex and freak out on her and other times she was super nice and caring. Even though she was a virgin when we met, the sex was mind-blowing at the beginning of the relationship. However, towards the end of the relationship she started to withdraw her attention more and more and sex became so rare that I complained about it at some point. She told me that I am too demanding and that I need to understand that she is stressed.
The hardest thing with the borderline waif is to make a coherent picture of them in your mind. On one side I see that poor, little, innocent girl that would always cry when we had an argument. On the other side I see this vindictive b!tch that moved on within a couple of days and replaced me after two month and didn't have anything nice to tell me anymore after our break up.
PS: She was also always tired and felt sick. A couple a weeks before we broke up she even went to the doctor to get a check up.
I met my ex-gf (perhaps uBPD) in 2009, me at the time being 33 and her 23.
I wasn’t really attracted to her in the beginning of the relationship. I had, just a few months before, moved to a new country to start a new job and was quite lonely, however contempt (this was my dream job!). She was just like the analogy with the fisher, line, hook and bait and “the fish” that jumps over the railing! I wasn’t even fishing!
She was a work colleague at my new work and picked up conversation with me, added me on Facebook etc. All of a sudden I was on date no. 2 (which I just wanted to be friendly as she didn’t appeal to me as a type - quiet, shy, quite plainly dressed etc.). But being lonely and having this friendly girl in my apartment for coffee led to sex. And that was it! I was in a relationship from that day on. I know this may say something about my self-esteem and ability to say “no” to women?
She did everything to please me, agreed with me on everything etc. EXCEPT, the crucial point, that haunted our relationship from there on: after less that 2 weeks, she told me that she didn’t want to have “fun”, she wanted a husband and a family. I told her “easy we still don’t even know each other. If it’s not fun how can it develop into something serious” and that it wasn’t something that I wanted in a foreseeable future (remember I had just moved to a foreign country and had no idea if I could stay there indefinitely (yet, still here on the 5th year), I just wanted a girlfriend I could hang out with. This hurt her and I felt guilty for it, but we continued the relationship anyway.
This enormous love from her actually felt smothering to me and scared me off a bit, and made me put even more distance when it came to commitment, because commitment to her now seemed like the huge all-or-nothing deal. I did commit with my actions, though. Conveniently, I would almost say, our relationship turned long-distance, as she changed job. I revealed our profession on other sites, so I have no problem here too. I am a pilot and she is a Flight Attendant. So being on different schedule and commuting to see each other, was not THAT difficult.
There are many examples of her push/pull, but here is one that repeated itself countless times. Before she would come visit me, she would write how hard is was to be separated, how much she loved me and that she couldn’t imagine a life without me. When she then came, she would start an argument, and be mad at me until she was bound to return home. When I drove her to the airport, she would break down and cry: “I want to stay with you, I don’t want to go, I don’t know why I behave like that” and “I am afraid you will forget me and find someone else when I am away”. So, I would comfort and validate her, and get nice and sweet text messages from her, and the cycle would repeat it self next time she came. Sometimes to lesser extent, also depending on how stubborn I would be to take the first step to reconciliation (which I always had to do, if I didn’t want the argument to last until she left). But EVERY time we had some sort of argument. There were of course also great times. So, when I saw her e.g. 4 times a month, and 2 times we had a larger argument, I wasn’t sure if it was just due to PMS or was just her character.
The longer we were together, the more she also “grew on” me. During our first year together, I though of breaking up with her countless times. Because of her mood swings, not that well educated/lack of basic general knowledge, hence difficult to have “adult conversation” with. But I couldn’t go through with it, because I was sure it would crush her. And she was so fragile, that I couldn’t have that on my conscience. She was sooo I love with me (she even wanted one of my t-shirts to have in her apartment when I was away), very caring, supportive of me and I learned the language being with her.
After about 1 year, I learned for the first time that something was wrong with her. She always had to go to the drug store and sometimes it was a bit panicky. On one occasion it was tight and I asked her it it couldn’t wait till monday (weekend plans). But, no. She HAD to pick up some medication. She wouldn’t tell what it was, and therefore I became VERY insistent to know. It turned out to be anti-depressants, that she had taken since her teenage years. She also told me she had been institutionalized for a few week with a depression where all she could do was cry. That she had previously been in therapy, for 10 years. I told her that she in my opinion didn’t need them and I think she should stop (I am not a fan of putting chemicals into the human body). Her response was: “You wouldn’t like me if I didn’t take them, I don’t even like MYSELF if I don’t take them”. On another occasion she also alluded to, that she was sexually abused as a child. I never learned the details, other than it had something to do with pornographic images. Because this was something that she definitely didn’t want to talk about. If she walked in on her father masturbating or if it was something worse I don’t know. He was actually a very nice person and had a very big heart, unfortunately also very unhealthy heart. The divorce from her mother, with whom my ex had a rather cold relationship, had taken it’s toll on him (BPDm? - I didn’t know her that well, because the visits there where always short - hello, eat something, leave). Suffice is to say that she wasn’t very supportive of my ex, always telling her what she had done wrong/could do differently. Their divorce also took it’s toll on my ex-gf and she was struggling with that in her teens. She was also bullied by her sister and brother (she is the middle child), had problems in school was pronounced as having Dyscalculia and teased that she was stupid, she obviously had and still has self-esteem problems.
The first 1 1/2 year went by like that, we had a great time, most of the time. Thought, I would often be “punished” with silent treatment (or threats) if I said something wrong, made a false remark or made comments about other women. Like another work colleague was always traveling in her spare time, and my remark was “yes, she has an amazing energy”, she told me “why don’t you start a relationship with her then, if you like her so much” - completely out of proportions. She made the marriage/children thing a big issue on several occasions and already at that time put an expiry date on the relationship. That at some point she would want children and move on. To me this was ridiculous after only 3-4 month relationship, and also - how realistic was that when she said she couldn’t imagine living without me? She also broke up with me once, due to me being sick and not wanting her over at my apartment. Of course the marriage/children issue was again brought up, like they were connected. She told me to pick my stuff up at her place or I could buy it on e-bay. I went over to her, thinking I finally had my way out. But, her waifness again made me suggest to talk things over. Also she had a couple of my-language dictionaries lying on her table, and again I felt so sorry for her. Like “look you fool, she even tries to learn your language - why are you throwing this girl away” (she never learned my language by the way, let alone look in the dictionaries). I laughed once at her pronunciation and she saw that as me ridiculing her, so on her own account she didn’t feel like trying. It was never that important to me, as we both were living in her country, it was more important that I learned her language. But anyway, we were back together. During all this time she was practically living with me, when I was not away on work (if she was away, she would go from my place). The sex was still great, but never initiated by her. I went through 10 days of vacation with her, without sex. Because I had become stubborn and wanted her to initiate (how stupid of me).
She stopped the antidepressants, due to having an accident with her arm at work, apparently she got some painkillers that should be taken together with the antidepressants - at least that is what she told me. I didn’t notice any change in her mood, if anything she seemed at bit more lively, and a bit more assertive, which was a quality I also found lacking in her, according to the “image” of a gf that I had in mind. So, that was actually a positive development to me.
Fast forward, 1 1/2 years and the relationship became long-distance (45 mins by plane, 6 hours by car - but both being in the airline business it wasn’t much of a problem). The relationship became more and more parent-child like, I had now deep feelings for her, and also felt that I had to help her improve herself. The “adult conversations”, became more of educational, no matter which topic we would be discussing. I am also 10 years older than her. At one point in the recurrent discussions about children (her shaming me for not wanting to give her what she wanted the most), I spontaneously said to her “I already have a child”. Her new job was in the region where she grew up, so she moved back in with her father, with whom she was very close and dependent. She told me through out the relationship, my father is very sick and doesn’t have long to live, “he is the most important person in my life, he is the only one that understands me, the only one that just listen - my world will collapse when he dies, it’s the most terrible thing that can happen to me”.
The long distance relationship actually worked well, I suppose because she wasn’t lonely when she wasn’t with me, then she had her father. Except for the push/pull it actually felt good, like a relationship is supposed to be. Her new job of course sucked just as bad as the old one, all her colleagues were idiots, rude or incompetent. Generally she has a very pessimistic outlook and always use a lot of sarcasm. She can also be very “light”, funny and just someone who creates a good mood - especially in company with others (keeping up appearances).
Fast forward another 1 1/2 - 2 years, and I had changed job too and was about to move. As we decided we should try to move together in the region where she comes from, I would temporary move in with her and her father - a friend of the father was living in the house too. That was december 2012. Just a few days into 2013 (won’t write the date, because of google and the other many details here), her father died of a stroke. The friend found him on his couch and called us that something was wrong. I will never forget as she came back up to me, almost unable to breathe “I.. think.. my.. father.. is.. dead”.
Quiet, shy, social anxiety, very sexual, never cursed at me in 3 years, never spoke badly about anyone but my ex wife, eyes never wondered in public, subtly passive aggressive, Gaslighting big time, secretive, compartmentalized with her parents her friend and I, she would never do anything like date my friend like others have, never spoke poorly of exes, no obvious sustained addictions, very good self control, more engulfment issues than abandonment until the end, wasn't capable of logical arguments, spent a lot of time at her parents (30 yo), she was actually married but never lived with him, didn't like to use condoms, went on only 2 trips with me in three years, stayed with me most nights but NEVER left anything at my house, for 3 years she constantly said "we need to end this", was not materialistic at all, hermit like, never uses social media but blocked me on Facebook before we started dating even though I had her Facebook password, rarely expected me to support her financially, never really bought me any gifts or anything sentimental, some mirroring but more with her friend, scared of a committed relationship, seemed like she knew she would never be able to have a lasting relationship, educated and working on her masters even though she was awkward at work and only good at non-stressful repetitive work, pretty oblivious to things in the world except music movies and reality TV, very attractive but she would come to work at times without makeup looking bad, rarely wore nice clothes but would dress up loosely when we went out
I am the same way. She has broken up with me 20 times but I always go back. She does the same thing your guy does. Two weeks will go by and then I will get a text or email "How are you" and that's it. It brings me right back to ground zero all over again. I've told her to stop and she doesn't. I blocked her number and she got her daughter to call me. I know now I have a co-dependency issue and was swallowed up in the idealization stage. It felt incredible. But now I want a healthy relationship where I give and receive.
I know all the rational anwers on what I should do and how I should behave and yet, I am just not there yet.
It helps so much to share with you guys. Today is hard. I know I will hear from him, but I want to hear from him now! It's like I am the 2 year old, not him, for a change. I just want to get it over with.
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