Oh sigh...I can make a testimony to 2 borderlines "in love"...its messy...its heaven - and its NEVER in the middle of the two! Our highs were soaring highs and our lows devastational ...It was about a year in and I researched BPD at the urging of someone who recognized the come here/go away pattern. I spent a long time thinking SHE was the problem...except a picture started to take shape for me...suddenly I wasn't just a MOOD Cancer who was just extremely sensitive - I saw my silent rages - my sometimes outward tantrums...my inability to get a handle on my emotional state - not to mention a host of other ways I saw ME in all this as well. Because she was initially more of an outward expression of rage and turmoil and my desperate attempts to make peace with her so she didn't leave me...I didn't see it. But our pattern became almost predictable. When we would "make up" usually it was because she contacted me...and we would soon after "honeymoon" - oh how good that felt! All the reassurance I would get and the promises she would make. Then a few days later she would begin to pull away - triggering my abandonment/rejection issues - and I would try and stay silent - wait for her return ...but I would obsess and suffer immense pain as I felt she just stopped wanting me or loving me. When I reached my tipping point I would say something to her ...which of course made her mad - and she would lash out at me verbally and would be "done" with me once again. Round and round we went like this for TWO years! Eventually I collapsed in a deep dark breakdown. I couldn't do a darn thing - not even get out of bed! This was the point I sought help in therapy. I dug into myself for the first time in my life. Seeing that I have no emotional skin...knowing that I am not alone out there. I still speak to her in small doses but I am afraid to get close again. I love her deeply but now I am not just afraid of the hurt she could cause me - but I am also afraid of the hurt I could cause her too. She is working on her own issues as well...and to get too close could cause set backs for us...and growth we both desperately need. I do not know if we will ever be lovers again in this life - but I am also beyond grateful to her for coming into mine - shaking me up, making me feel loved more than anyone else has - and yes for abandoning me - because without her - I would not have taken off this mask and begun the healing I so desperately need.
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