Tuesday 5 August 2014

waif

People see me as this charismatic, confident, bubly young woman with 'so much going for me' . The only reason they could even see this is because I put on such a brilliant front, although this saves my ass most of the time, it is really painful because I will often lose myself in the process.

Majority of social occasions I find myself returning home from to breakdown into deep dysphoria, perhaps I will break down a few days after when I dwell on something invalidating that somebody said to me, sometimes I will be so overwhelmed by these deep feelings of pain and in this situation i will tend to excuse myself and disappear - most of the time returning once i have composed myself. Nobody has ever suspected anything and nobody would ever guess that I suffer from this, infact- if any of these people actually knew what bpd is I would be the last person they would associate it with.

It is remarkable that a human can hide such intense, overbearing emotions so well. I really hate it. People see me as this passive, submissive person - It just makes me feel as though I have no personality, that i am a robot. Then again, If people were to see the real me, without all the inhibitions, I am scared that they would see me as I see myself. 


BPD acting “Normal” and Manipulation

“You know you’re borderline when you’ve spent so much time acting normal, other’s say ‘you’re cured’ so you show them you’re not.” [1]

This is me. This is the plight of the Quiet Borderline. This is why it’s so hard for us to ask for help, and to get help, because so often when we do finally attempt to shed that mask, people look at us and say… But you’re so normal, I think you’re fine.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve run into this. xRoommate told me she didn’t think I was Borderline. Current Roommate (who is also a Psych major) has told me she would never guess I was Borderline. I think this is a two part problem.

1.      The stigma surrounding BPD focuses so strongly on the angry, volatile, aggressive, explosive cases of BPD, that it’s become stereotyped to the exclusion of evidence to the contrary.

a.       I find this funny because only criteria 8 in the DSM specifically mentions: inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) . That’s one criteria. One. Growing up there would be zero doubt, zero, that this was an incredibly huge problem for me. It wasn’t until the last few years that I’ve turned more inward and the expression of my volatile anger has come under control. Note: That doesn’t mean I don’t still get enraged and furious at the drop of a hat, I’ve just learned to control the outward expression of it. Regardless, that’s only 1 criteria of 9 in the DSM and by all accounts you only need 5 criteria that significantly disrupt your life to qualify as Borderline.

2.      I wear a mask. Constantly.

To the outside world I do not rage. I do not show how quickly my moods can change. I hold it inside until I’m alone and can let the façade slip. “Acting normal”, not letting people see my emotional instability, not letting people see things that would make them question whether I have it together, is vitally important. I learned growing up and from the abusive relationships that I’ve been in, that anything “abnormal” mentally and emotionally is something to be ashamed of and can be used against me to humiliate me and alienate me from the people I need in my life. How can someone love you if you’re broken? So I hide it.

Until it’s too much to hold inside. Until I’ve finally, finally reached a point where I need to reach out for help. When I’m literally dizzy and shaking from the anxiety, depression, rage, and pain I’m feeling and can’t keep going on my own anymore. When I finally cede that I need to try, I hear… But you seem so normal. You’ll be fine.

Invalidation. Of course I seem normal, because that’s all I’ve let you see! You don’t see what’s happening inside because I’m positive you won’t be able to deal with it and won’t like me anymore. Not to mention I feel guilty bringing my problems to you even this one time, let alone all the times when things feel like they’re too much for me to handle, so I bury them so you won’t be burdened with how much I’m hurting. Of course you don’t see all that is inside of me.

Breaking point. This is when I’ve hit mine. This is when I need something, anything to relieve the pain. Something that I can control when everything else seems so out of my hands. I can’t control the pain that is bombarding me from the inside, but I can control the pain I inflict from the outside. That’s often when I would reach for a knife to create some form of control. And a bottle to take myself out of my own head to boot.

Appearing “normal” is like the bottle cap on a carbonated soda that’s been shaken violently and kicked down a flight of stairs. It looks fine from the outside, but when it’s finally cracked even a tiny bit…. Explosion.

I’ve definitely had thoughts of, “You don’t believe me? Then I’ll just have to show you how serious I am.” Because it’s my last fucking resort. If I’ve asked for help, and been turned away because you don’t believe me, than what choice do I have but to give you proof?

Then there are other times when having help rejected has pushed me past the point of caring. I don’t care whether you believe me or not. No one will help, so I have to help myself. Unfortunately the only ways I know to make myself feel better are maladaptive and destructive and you can’t always hide that, so people still manage to see.

This is where I believe a lot of the Borderline “manipulativeness” comes into play.  It’s not manipulation in a pre-mediated trying to get you to do something that you don’t want to do while making you believe it was your own idea, sort of way. It’s acting in a way that is destructive and extreme because it’s the only way we know how to cope, but is also pretty impossible for you to ignore, thereby we obtain what we needed as well: attention and help.

So why don’t you just let go of the mask and people will believe you? Because then the rest of my life will be even more dysfunctional, and I’ll lose the people I care about and need in my life… or so I believe. Remember I can’t internalize why someone would want me in their life if I’m not perfect and have too many problems. I have to protect myself, and keeping people away from the vulnerable sides of me is the only way I know how to do that. My mind runs away in a maelstrom of anxious ruminations, of every possible way my life would be affected and how things could go wrong if I let my mask slip. The accumulation of those outcomes seems overwhelmingly worse than the idea of showing people what we hold inside.

There’s also this; once you’ve worn a mask for so long, it becomes difficult to take off. Especially when you’re not always sure who you are some days, what does taking off that mask even mean? The mask isn’t a pre-molded construct. It’s an adaptation to the world around you to help you maneuver and function in a society that seems so different from how you feel. When do those adaptations become an actual part of you and when do those adaptations remain things that are separate?

When I was angry and volatile, people told me to act differently, to act “normal”. By “normal” I mean in a socially acceptable way, because there really is no normal. So I do, at least when the situation calls for it. But what people really mean is stop being so emotional, stop expressing how you feel, stop showing that you’re in pain. So I do. Changing how I appear doesn’t actually stop how I feel.  It looks like it does though, so people say, “You’re cured! Look it worked! You just had to change how you acted and things would get better!” Except it doesn’t. It just invalidates how I feel, tells me that who I am is bad, and shuts down my ability to get help when I need it because now no one believes that I need help at all. All that’s left is to Act Out to show that no, in fact it hasn’t worked. I’ve just been backed into an emotional corner and shoved my heart in a drawer to make you more comfortable.

Happy now? I’m not.

I never wanted to wear this mask. It’s something I’ve felt forced into. I don’t even notice it half the time. Trying to take it off is like trying to tear off the scab on a wound that hasn’t fully healed. A band-aid on a bullet wound. It doesn’t come off easily yet it doesn’t heal what it’s covering over. It’s the product of years of trying to adapt. Don’t expect it to part from our skin quickly, or easily. It’s a product of the protection we’ve had to develop. I know people get frustrated because they think it should be easy for us to “just be yourself”. But when you’ve had a lifetime of being told that “being yourself” isn’t acceptable, a lifetime of conditioning doesn’t change overnight.

The Quiet Borderline

Within the Borderline community there is a distinct subgroup known as the Quiet/Introverted Borderline (Haven writes an excellent post about this). They are often harder to spot as they do not conform to your stereotypical, explosive Borderline. Instead, their emotions and reactions are turned inwards. These are the folk who deal with their emotional hell behind closed doors. Their depression is particularly severe given they bury rather than release their emotions. They use avoidance and silence to protect against feared intimacy (and in turn abandonment) as opposed to confrontation, intimidation, and berate criticism. Instead of having a rage episode in public, they are morely likely to retreat to their room where they will drown in their emotions or even self-harm if abandonment may be imminent. Their anger manifests as a deep, deliberating and dangerous shame, as shame is essentially anger turned inwards. Even if they do feel anger towards an external object, they find it very hard to express this, leading to a sense of helplessness and once again, depression. As one quiet Borderline exclaims here, “I have never been able to express anger-- my mother simply did not allow it and I have never found a manner to let it out. I am just too tightly wound to get angry."

Quiet/Introverted Borderlines have been described as living in an "odd" and somewhat paradoxical world. On the one hand, they need to be left alone to their personal thoughts and reflection which, perhaps, fills them with a viable sense of self. In this sense, they have a far greater tolerance for solitude than most Borderlines. But they also long to share this world with others, feeling somewhat incomplete otherwise. They then fear abandonment from those who have stepped too far into their inner world. Like other Borderlines, this can reach dangerous levels where the Borderline fuses their entire self/existence with this one person and feels unable to live without them, going to drastic lengths to avoid or deal with abandonment. The Quiet Borderline is constantly on the look out for signs that may confirm their worse fear that the person will leave.Yet unlike other Borderlines, the object of their attachment and infatuation may have no idea how much they mean to the Borderline given Quiet Borderlines do not wear their hearts on their sleeves. The emotional hurricane raging inside of them reaches full intensity only once they have parted ways with this person. In attempt to maintain a safe balance between solitude and intimacy/connection, many Quiet Borderlines opt to keep people at arms length… in Life of Pi style.



Since entering counselling I’ve been a mess as the Quiet Borderline within me, it seems, begins to emerge. Interestingly, as I learn more about this style of relating to the self and others, I realise that I have been drawing in others who also have a Borderline streak. I am further noticing similarities in our histories in that they all feature loss, instability, and being denied a chance to emotionally connect and identify with the parent of the same sex. The others have tended to externalise their symptoms more, however, as Borderline is notorious for.

These relationships between classic and quiet Borderlines can be particularly turbulent, especially when each party cannot see beyond the other person’s different outward presentation and understand that he/she are actually fighting the same demon. They bring their own dynamics and challenges and I am interested in learning about how others navigate them. As I searched the internet, I found some interesting (and amusing) articles on “How a Borderline Love Relationship Evolves”, characteristics of Borderline partners (including the tendency to find another Borderline after a break up, just like many women pick one alcoholic after the other!), and relationships between two classic Borderlines. However I couldn’t find any stories about a classic Borderline entering into a relationship with a quiet Borderline and whether this could work.


The maddening thing about the quiet borderline / waif borderline is how they manipulate through that waif quality - and how in an effort to make sure people love them, they keep themselves as needy as possible, even when there are solutions that would improve their life. If they improve their life, then there's no way for their loved ones to prove they care. For example, my sister didn't open her medicaid mail and her coverage is now lapsed. In addition, she says her income is too high (she has no income, she means my mother and grandmother's). I read her state statutes and that's not the case. But she keeps sending me emails with excuses as to why she doesn't qualify. Then she says she will be on the streets and end up in the ER. She says this on the phone too, in a little girl voice.

To her, I think, if things are ok then nobody loves her. If her life is in chaos, then we all have the opportunity to save her, and everything's fine.

It makes no sense to a non but it is what it is. So though this type of BPD is an "acting in" type, you can see how it's very much an "acting out" type as well, like all BPD. (conversely, the acting-out/turning out type of BPD is also turning in and being self destructive by raging at all of those around them).
 
She does not rage - she is more like a waif.  She is paranoid, negative, toxic, emotionally immature, histrionic, makes zillions of mistakes in life, runs away at the first sign of discord, (this is her biggest tactic - she has moved countless, countless times) isolates herself from others, judges others, feels like nobody likes her, feels superior to everybody.....etc....but no nasty words at me, no rages, no physical abuse.

In some ways it was more insidious because I saw her as the total victim she portrayed herself to be and it confused me a great deal growing up, because to be honest, she was at the source of all the unhappiness yet I had a hard time accepting it because she is so needy and seemingly defenseless and "nice".







after meeting her twice to discuss what was wrong with us, seeing her negative progression, and her inner turmoil I've come to certain conclusions. She epitomizes the borderline waif.

1) She always speaks about her nephew and now that she's gotten her sister into the same profession and seeing the negative effect it's having on her's sister's family.

2) She hates her job and says she can't do this anymore

3) She's falling into the same bad habits: drugs, alcohol

4) She's running out of employment options in her current line of work because she's so reckless

5) She's vehemently "independent" and doesn't want to depend on anyone. She's had this mentality since around 13 that she didn't want to rely on anyone to support her.

6) She's been unfaithful with nearly everyone she's ever been with

Now seeing her progressions and what she truly does care about I feel the best thing for her is to understand that she needs to trust better and settle down, be faithful, and consider raising a family. This would give her an opportunity to do better than anyone else in her family has done, to provide a loving, caring home for her, her s/o, with the possibility of raising children to give her some identity, and a purpose in life. It would help teach her that life truly is a blessing no matter how difficult the struggle may be.

The issue: I'm thinking about telling her what I think is best for her and her future but I'm not quite sure if I should do this or how exactly to tell her. Please mind that this is not an attempt to get back with her, I've never mentioned such in the 2 months since our split, I just really care about her (and she's truly beginning to understand this) and I want her to be fulfilled and live a happy life. 

The Waif
The waif feels like a helpless victim. She (or he) may appear social but never really engage with others on a deeper level. She may be "inap­propriately open" and then reject those with whom she's just shared; "fish for compliments" and then deny them; complain and then wave away sug­gestions and offers of help. The waif feels hopeless and anticipates negativity, even before she has any evidence that it might be in store.
Characteristics of a waif parent include permissiveness, alternately spoiling and neglecting children, and using fantasies of a fairy tale life to distract from reality. The waif is more likely to cry than rage, and to suf­fer from anxiety and depression.
Messages from a waif parent may include: Life is so hard; nobody loves me; I have it a lot worse than you/others.
Loving the Waif Without Rescuing Her (Implying a clear sense of self and ability to hold boundaries.  De-tangling co-dependent relationship tendencies would be part of healing)The Waif  "learned that submissive behavior was the most adaptive response to an oppressive environment." She also "sees herself as an incompetent failure, and is overly dependent on the approval of others." The Waif marries a Frog Prince, someone she can rescue and who she thinks will rescue her.The Waif identifies with the Frog's helplessness and fantasizes about providing for him what she needs for herself.
Once you truly realize that you're "in it," you discover that you cannot fix it.  You have to begin by putting your own life in order to prepare for the next appropriate step (be it divorce, break-up between unmarried partners, etc). 
I do see what you are saying, Mr. M. However, it is very hard and difficult to put your own life in order when you have never seen what a  real life looks life. To me, chaos was normal as it was and is for many children of BP parents, adult or otherwise.  

 

The Quiet Borderline

The Quiet Borderline is often misunderstood and does not present or come across like the classic "acting out" borderline. A look at how the quiet borderline is different from the "average" borderline.
Much is written about the more classic presentation of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The more classic presentation more often than not involves outward raging, projections and "acting out". Acting out refers to the fact that many borderlines will act out their pain and visit it on others as opposed to allowing it to rise to a conscious level within, feeling it, and dealing with it internally.
Then, there is a presentation or variation of BPD, known as the "Quiet Borderline". A quiet borderline does not rage outwardly or act out. A quiet borderline does not differ from the more classic or acting out borderline except in the expression of the pathology of BPD. That is to say that the underlying reasons for the diagnosis of BPD in those who are quiet borderlines is essentially the same as it is for those who are acting out borderlines. The most notable and main difference between these two "sub groups" of BPD, if you will, is in the manifestation and presentation - the relational style - and not in the underlying effects of what it means to have BPD.
In the group therapy that I had that was the backbone of my recovery from BPD, I encountered many a quiet borderline. I, myself, was the more classic, "acting out" raging borderline. I remember being so frustrated trying to help those who had this opposite style of relating or not relating as it often seemed. I remember how stuck many of them were and remained as I was able to find my way out of BPD. I remember how many times therapists would say things to those who were quiet borderlines that they needed to get things out, to connect with their feelings, to express their thoughts. I remember getting so angry when therapists tried to work with a few of these quiet borderlines by attempting to provoke, mirror, and/or tease out some of their repressed rage. These quiet borderlines would just sit there seemingly unaffected by the taunts and provocation of the therapists and I would become enraged because I would feel triggered and also because I felt so frustrated that these people were not in anyway actively engaging the process of therapy in our group - they were not getting any better either.
I think that people often mistakenly think that the quiet borderline is more functional than the "acting out" borderline or that the quiet borderline is more "together" than the "acting out" borderline or not as bad off type of thing. From my therapy travels I'd have to say in my opinion that from what I witnessed in others who were quiet borderlines they were suffering even more than I was - and I was not only suffering I was sharing that suffering, inflicting that suffering on others when I was in the active throes of BPD.
Anne, a quiet borderline, writes:
"I do not rage or SI (self-injure). I have never been able to express anger -- my mother simply did not allow it and I have never found a manner to let it out. I am just too tightly wound to get angry.
For the most part, I feel utterly alone, empty and scared. I crave being alone but often end up abusing prescription meds when I am alone. However, I am terrified of people and avoid being around them. I am extremely anxious and frequently depressed.
I feel different--I feel like I am encapsulated. I am not like other people and do not know or understand how other people feel. Sometimes I feel like I am watching life go by, as an outsider. I don't have much hope of ever feeling normal--I don't know what it means."
As Anne describes many who have BPD and are quiet borderlines feel a very deep, often, desperate depression. At the root of so much of BPD, is anger and rage because it is anger and rage that are summoned up to protect against the pain. If one is not acting out that anger and rage (classic borderline presentation) then one is more likely to have an even more severe depression since, essentially, depression is anger turned inward.
When Anne speaks of feeling encapsulated and like she is watching life go by as an outsider what she is experiencing is known as depersonalization. It is dissociative in nature. The quiet borderline turns so much in on the absence of self drowning emotionally on the inside in a rather quiet and often unnoticed way outwardly.
Depersonalization is a variety of dissociation in which one suddenly feels detached from one's own body, sometimes as if they were observing events from outside themselves. It can be a frightening feeling, and it may be accompanied by a lessening of sensory input -- sounds may be muffled, things may look strange, etc... Some people react to depersonalization episodes by inflicting physical harm on themselves in an attempt to stop the unreal feelings, hoping that pain will bring them back to awareness. This is a common reason for SI in people who dissociate frequently in other ways."
Rachel, a quiet borderline, writes:
"There is no question in my mind that I am a "quiet" or "acting in" borderline. I have always had hatred towards myself. I felt as though I had the overwhelming power to hurt others and felt incredibly awful if I perceived that I did hurt someone else. All I ever wanted was to be loved and taken care of. Because I couldn't get that, I didn't think I deserved it.
People with depression don't usually self-harm (which I did on a daily basis), and the self-hatred I felt wasn't like low self-esteem or even no self esteem. I actually wanted to "kill" myself - not suicidally - it was more like homicidally. I have read about many borderlines who when they get angry at someone else can become almost psychotic. The rage that is directed outward is incredibly powerful and can almost knock you down. That same rage in me is directed inwards. I wanted to do horrible things to myself - violent things. I could never do that to anyone else. It has only been very recently that I have even had thoughts like that towards other people. But I would never act on them because of my intense fear of abandonment. I don't ever want anyone to leave me.
I think that as a general rule, borderlines who act in do all the same things that "acting out" borderlines do - just to themselves instead of others. But a borderline is a borderline. We all feel things way too deeply. I read somewhere that we are like emotional haemophiliacs - that we have emotions and can't clot them. That's definitely me..."
Whether a borderline "acts in" or "acts out" his or her inner-turmoil and angst the results to the void of 'self' are the same. A pathological, rigid, and polarized cycle is adhered to by the borderline false self in a very patterned way. The more one "acts in" or "acts out" the more one's pattern of illogical thoughts or magical thinking will support the further alienation of the authentic self from the false self. The quiet borderline, however, may not have as great a chance of being understood or recognized as the average borderline does. The quiet borderline is likely more misunderstood by others (including professionals) than the classic borderline is. Whether one is high-functioning or not the quiet borderline suffers in a screamingly-silent kind of way.
The quiet borderline tends to experience an imploding self-destruction whereas the acting out borderline's experience is that of an exploding self-destruction that flings emotional shrapnel on any and all who get too close. Both are emotionally unavailable more often than not. The quiet borderline uses avoidance and silence as ways of protecting against feared intimacy and the acting out borderline uses confrontation, intimidation, and often berating criticism.

Audio Programs © A.J. Mahari
Rachel describes a more pronounced fear of abandonment and rather than act in a way that may lead others to abandon her, she continues to abandon herself (and her inner child) by repeatedly being self-abusive and by hating herself. She turns this fear of abandonment in on herself. Many borderlines, the acting out borderlines, project this inner conflict out onto others. In Anne and Rachel's case they, as "acting in" borderlines experience a much more inwardly focused expression of the borderline pathology. Rachel would rather continue to abandon herself because it is familiar to her and expected by her than to have to try to cope with others abandoning her. This leads an "acting in" borderline to quietly, yet relentlessly "emotionally" bleed inward, deeper and deeper on and into that void where one's self needs to be known. In the absence of knowing that self, the repeated abuse, abandonment and annihilation of that self, even to the "acting in" borderline are experienced as being perpetrated upon them by a foreign persona -- a false self.
The intense fear of abandonment that most borderlines have can lead them to either "act out" their fear and pain on others or to "act in" that same fear and pain against the self. One's authentic self does not have a chance to emerge, mature and be known to the borderline because the unresolved issues usurp that authentic self by feeding what is, in many borderlines, and ever-strengthening false self. The false self perpetuates the cognitive thought distortions which are fuelled largely by dissociated feelings that are often unknown to the borderline consciously.
It is all too easy to lump all borderlines together in one category marked with stereotyping and prejudice. It is important that we all take a long hard look at this. Borderline Personality Disorder does not 'play itself out' in the exact same way for all borderlines. When is the helping profession going to address this?
When are mental health systems going to address the need to recognize the different presentations of BPD? When will the stereotyped and feared borderline, "acting out" or quiet be seen for the hurting, scared, wounded soul that he or she is? Perhaps when this shift is made more will be able to truly heal?
The quiet borderline is not the 'traditional borderline'. The quiet borderline is not the most feared borderline. The quiet borderline does know the same rage as the "acting out" borderline. The rage is directed inward instead of outward. In many cases it is the quiet borderline that may well be at greater risk. These "acting in" borderlines, however, are hurting themselves at alarming rates and evening killing themselves. The failures of mental health systems to adequately address this is yet but one more abandonment imposed upon the quiet borderline. The quiet borderline is often not taken seriously enough or heard in time to make a difference.
The word quiet is rather a misnomer in a sense in that the quiet borderline, the "acting-in" borderline is just as borderline as the more classic borderline. It is time to recognize this presentation of BPD for what it is and to take it as seriously as the classic outward display of BPD. The quiet borderline's suffering must be given expression in order that lives may be saved and that the quality of those lives may be drastically improved.
 
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