The Quiet Borderline / Borderline Waif

Borderline Personality Disorder is different for everyone suffering from it. While there are a limited number of things that qualify a person for this disorder, how they display, which combinations of symptoms they display in, is all individual. Something else extremely important to keep in mind, is that BPD is only one aspect of what makes a person who they are. People’s experiences, ideas, likes, dislikes, preferences, and yes, baseline personality are all unique to the individual making even those with BPD unique individuals. Borderline Personality Disorder itself is usually stereotyped as a disorder of disruption, very outwardly volatile mood swings, externally focused aggression, and low-functioning. However, like most stereotypes, this doesn’t hold true for everyone.

Today I want to talk about a “type” of Borderline Characteristic called the Borderline Waif, or elsewise known as The Quiet Borderline. I talked about Dr. Christine Ann Lawson’s description of The Waif Mother, but the Quiet Borderline is something that I’ve seen many times before used to describe a particular expression of BPD (not just of parents).

It’s potentially less common, but equally insidious, maybe moreso, because it can be trickier to diagnose someone who displays characteristics of a Quiet Borderline. Why’s that? Because they are much more likely to Act In, then Act Out. They are not known for raging openly, where other people can see them, so it’s more difficult to recognize that there’s a problem. It’s very typical for only those people that are very close, often intimately involved, with this person to know that there is a problem that needs to be helped with. This is something that I identify with very well. To the outside world anyone you ask would tell you I am the pinnacle of pulled together. They don’t know what goes on inside.

Which ultimately is not that different from what you would consider a classic Borderline presentation. By which I mean that all those underlying reasons for a BPD diagnosis are essentially the same in those that are “quiet” and those that are acting out. The main difference is how it presents and manifests… how a person expresses their symptoms. 

Often the quiet Borderline feels stuck. Incapable of expressing themselves or moving in any direction whatsoever. It’s common for therapists to urge that a quiet Borderline “get things out”, connect with their feelings, and express themselves. This is something that Therapist works very hard on with me. I have an extremely difficult time remaining attached and present in my emotions which makes being able to express my needs and concerns very difficult because I don’t feel like they continue to exist or belong to me. Even with provocation a quiet Borderline could sit there seemingly unaffected and unruffled… until the time comes when they are alone and are able to deal with their inner turmoil in private; in silence.

Depression is very common for the Quiet Borderline. As Dr. A.J. Mahari notes, “At the root of so much of BPD, is anger and rage because it is anger and rage that are summoned up to protect against the pain. If one is not acting out that anger and rage (classic borderline presentation) then one is more likely to have an even more severe depression since, essentially, depression is anger turned inward.”

I find this to be true for me. If I can’t express my inner rage I have a sense of helplessness. I feel trapped in my own skin. Which only acts to compound my anger and increase my need to rage more. The longer I repress my feelings, the harder they are to control. I begin to isolate myself so others won’t see me in such a state. My loneliness increases. I sink further. And it becomes harder and harder to dig myself out of the darkness that depression is shoveling onto my head.

Anne, a quiet borderline, writes:

"I do not rage or SI (self-injure). I have never been able to express anger -- my mother simply did not allow it and I have never found a manner to let it out. I am just too tightly wound to get angry.

For the most part, I feel utterly alone, empty and scared. I crave being alone but often end up abusing prescription meds when I am alone. However, I am terrified of people and avoid being around them. I am extremely anxious and frequently depressed.

I feel different--I feel like I am encapsulated. I am not like other people and do not know or understand how other people feel. Sometimes I feel like I am watching life go by, as an outsider. I don't have much hope of ever feeling normal--I don't know what it means."

A Quiet Borderline turns it all inward where no one else can see. But whether a Borderline Acts In or Acts Out, the resulting emotional void is still the same. Often the Quiet Borderline is at arguably greater risk though, because while a Borderline that Acts Out may get a lot of negative attention, at least they’re getting attention which creates an opening for intervention. With the Quiet Borderline you may never even know that there is a problem that needs healing.

“The quiet borderline tends to experience an imploding self-destruction whereas the acting out borderline's experience is that of an exploding self-destruction that flings emotional shrapnel on any and all who get too close. Both are emotionally unavailable more often than not. The quiet borderline uses avoidance and silence as ways of protecting against feared intimacy and the acting out borderline uses confrontation, intimidation, and often berating criticism.” –Dr. A.J. Mahari

For the Quiet Borderline, instead of allowing others the chance to abandon them, they often pull away from the crowd to avoid abandonment. However, that doesn’t mean they aren't still suffering from abandonment. Especially if they're in the throws of self-harm. “Rather than act in a way that may lead others to abandon her, she continues to abandon herself (and her inner child) by repeatedly being self-abusive and by hating herself. She turns this fear of abandonment in on herself. Many borderlines, the acting out borderlines, project this inner conflict out onto others. This leads an "acting in" borderline to quietly, yet relentlessly "emotionally" bleed inward, deeper and deeper on and into that void where one's self needs to be known. In the absence of knowing that self, the repeated abuse, abandonment and annihilation of that self, even to the "acting in" borderline are experienced as being perpetrated upon them by a foreign persona -- a false self.”

The fear of abandonment and rejection felt so acutely by those with Borderline Personality Disorder often leads to either Acting Out and taking out that pain on others, or Acting In and taking that pain out on themselves. That doesn’t mean these don’t comingle or change with time. When I was  younger I Acted Out, I raged, I viciously berated and went on the offensive when I perceived a threat to my sense of self. I am almost completely the opposite now. I Act In, taking out my hurt, loneliness, disappointment, shame, and everything else on myself. That doesn’t mean that I don’t occasionally have an impulsive slip and release those issues to the outside world. I do occasionally, just not very often.

Dr. A.J.Mahari has one last thing to say that I think bears repeating:

“The quiet borderline is not the 'traditional borderline'. The quiet borderline is not the most feared borderline. The quiet borderline does know the same rage as the "acting out" borderline. The rage is directed inward instead of outward. In many cases it is the quiet borderline that may well be at greater risk. These "acting in" borderlines, however, are hurting themselves at alarming rates and evening killing themselves. The failures of mental health systems to adequately address this is yet but one more abandonment imposed upon the quiet borderline. The quiet borderline is often not taken seriously enough or heard in time to make a difference.”

It’s important to recognize that there are differences in how Borderline Personality Disorder presents. We can’t heal what we can’t recognize. 

 

 

I am a quiet borderline for sure. i always go inward instead of out. when i was younger (teen, i'm now 32) i had some outward times, but mostly always inward. I was to be seen (sometimes) and not heard as a child. when i was first diagnosed bpd i struggled with the traits of acting out and everything that goes with that because that wasn't me... but the feelings that partner with those actions are the same for me, they are just a rage inside myself behind closed doors. i don't go after others, just go after myself. i can always link something bad back to me, even if it takes 20 steps to connect it back to me, there is always a way that it was my fault. most people who know i have BPD are shocked with they read up on it because they would have never thought. they say i always look happy and everything is put together and "perfect." They say that i don't miss a beat when stress and disaster come my way, I just move gracefully though. if they only knew what was happening inside my head and behind close doors, if they only knew the immense pain and hurt and sadness i feel every single day.

but things do get better! I've been married for 6 years, my self-harm is down to maybe once or twice a year, i'm able to talk and share with my husband and friends, my anxiety is way down, my depression is less frequent and for the most part i'm starting to learn how to deal with hard issues like a "normal" person does. DBT has saved my life in many ways and going to therapy and staying on meds is also a must. my life isn't perfect, i have bad days and i struggle a lot, but it has gotten better.

everyday is so much work to keep going. i don't think anyone can fathom the energy and work we have to put in just to leave the house and function like a "normal" person. sometimes just getting out of bed! it gets tiring, its not easy, its exhausting and never-ending. i know i can do it, but sometimes i am so tired of fighting. i feel if i just rest for 1 day it will all be over and i will never get back to this place again. i wish people knew how hard we work. i wish that people understood what it is like to be us... maybe they wouldn't be so quick to judge!?

 

 

The Waif seems to want soothing and often leaves others feeling helpless because she is often inconsolable. As Dr. Lawson writes that the Waif might say, "I can't allow myself to need your help and be in control at the same time."  The irony is that the Waif feels that in accepting help she is loosing control.
The Waif can self soothe with the compulsive use of alcohol, drugs, money, food, sex, work, and likes to play the role of the martyr. She can often become hysterical to get attention.
Unfortunately, nothing others do for the Waif seems to be quite good enough. She could be described as a bottomless pit in that if you give an inch, she will want a foot, and if you give a foot, she will want a yard, etc. Others usually wind up feeling "used" and burned out and then will avoid her only compounding her fears of abandonment and rejection which leads to the dysphoria and anxiety which are the beginning of the self reinforcing cycle all over again.
The Waif rarely has insight into her own behavior and is more likely to play the victim than to take any responsibility. If challenged to take responsibility she will either further sink into helplessness or flip and accuse others of persecuting her.
Dr. Lawson writes:

"Loss or abandonment can trigger psychotic reactions. Abandonment or rejection by her partner arouses rage in the Waif, as she seeks to annihilate the one who failed to love her perfectly." p. 72

I worked in Psychiatric Emergency Rooms for over 18 years and estimate that over that period of time I peformed over 14,500 suicide assessments. The only patient I lost was a woman in her 30s who had had several admissions to the psychiatric floor for suicide attempts. Her problems had been diagnosed as borderline personality disorder. When I interviewed her at 3:00 AM in the morning she attributed her suicidality to her break up from the tumultuous relationship which she had with her boyfriend. We worked out arrangements for her to spend the next few days with her father and for her to see her therapist later in the day. Apparently, in the morning, instead of keeping her appointment with her therapist she sought out her estranged boyfriend where a further argument occured. She reportedly grabbed his rifle from his house and went into the front yard where she proceeded to shoot herself as he watched from the front door. Unfortunately, she died.
Doing a psychological autopsy after the incident it was determined that there was no way to predict her impulsive and deadly act. Had she not had contact with the ex-boyfriend she would never have killed herself that day.
Dr. Lawson writes that the Waif Mother's motto is "Life is too hard" to which I would add, "Nobody loves me", "you'll be better off without me", and "you'll be sorry when I'm gone."
Children of Waifs often become excellent caregivers and often enter the helping professions as nurses, social workers, psychologists, EMTs and other crisis workers. These adult children of Waifs have spent their whole lives making order out of chaos, managing other people's emotions for them, and consoling the inconsolable in situations where there is a high level of subjective distress. These are skills which are invaluable in situations where most people would fear to tread and become paralyzed. For the Adult Child of a Waif, they, many times, have "been there and done that"

The waif usually thinks things like "I am a worthless victim.  I do so want to be loved and protected, but I am not worthy of it."  "The glass is not only half-empty, but is about to spill all over the floor I just washed."

They often feel helpless, hopeless, and despair. Rage can be masked by sadness and depression, but released by rejection or abandonment. They distort their own errors or disappointments, leading to more shame. They feel vulnerable, defective, anxious, moody, and irrationally fearful.
They look to others to "save them," but refuse assistance because helplessness makes them feel safe. Ironically, if they mistrust everyone and let no one get close, they stay in control and no one can abandon or disappoint them. Waifs may hurt themselves to express shame, but they are capable of raging if they feel rejected or abandoned. They don't ask for what they need, then appear to be the victim because others can't read their minds and give it to them. Waifs may have crying spells and be unable to give nurturing to others.

 

 

I admit, at first BPD didn't make sense to me because I don't tend to have angry outbursts - I turn my anger inward and go into a depressive episode, instead. But the emotional instability (everything I feel – both good and bad- is so fleeting), the lack of identity (I've re-created/ re-invented myself so many times I've lost count), and the major trouble with interpersonal relationships (I always have to be the “victim” - and I sometimes have been because I would let people walk all over me just to keep them close. But I also spent a lot of time pushing loved ones away, testing the bonds til they broke) all rings so true…
Someone mentioned in a BPD blog I read that they walk around feeling like a “raw nerve” and I almost cried when I read that because I used that exact language about a year ago when I was trying to explain my emotional state to a friend. I feel like my emotional reaction to events in my life is almost never in "proper" proportion to the event itself.
I've usually blamed my Depression (diagnosed at age 16) for these feelings. I've also blamed the Depression for the constant feelings of emptiness… some days it feels like I'm completely hollow on the inside and I'm just going through the motions of everyday life. I have a very competent façade, most people who don't know me well think I'm highly intelligent and that I have my shit together. All my life, I've gotten compliments on my intelligence, my maturity, and how well-spoken I am. I've never felt I deserved them because I feel like it's all play-acting. I'm playing the part of a grown-up, but if pressed, I'd crumble in on myself and be nothing but a small, scared child who is trying desperately to figure it all out.
Most of the time, I feel a complete lack of *connection* with the rest of the world… I have felt so isolated most of my life… Growing up, I described it as being inside a bubble, like I could reach out and I could even see others reaching back, occasionally, but I could never feel it. When I came across the description of a “Quiet Borderline” it clicked. There is so much hatred and anger and self-loathing built up inside me and I sometimes release it in little ways, by saying nasty things or picking unnecessary arguments, but mostly I've kept it bottled up inside and I've cried and I've hated myself for being so weak and stupid and I've quietly hated others for caring about me when I didn't deserve it or for not caring as much as I felt they should when I needed it. I have been rationalizing and denying my mercurial behavior and unpredictable emotional reactions for years.
Example: My best friend in college didn't want to take a walk with me one day. I got irrationally angry about it and I said something so cruel that she actually cried… I felt terrible about it, but I found a way to justify it (blaming her for not spending enough time with me in recent days). That action still haunts me and it was years ago. I know there have been a lot of similar incidences with close friends and lovers all my life. I always excused it by saying that my reactions had been provoked or that I was getting my period or that I was depressed and they just didn't understand. But when the people who have been closest to me in my life all currently dislike me (excepting my current set of friends, who I am working very hard to maintain), I have to figure out eventually that the common denominator must be ME.
I've also been so self-pitying my whole life, figuring my Depression must be to blame. I don't have just depressive episodes, I go into suicidal fits of non-stop crying at what sometimes seems like the slightest provocation. But then they end and it feels like it never happened. It's not that I'm so depressed I want to die… I would never want to hurt my parents like that. I just want it all to STOP. I want the emotional roller coaster to arrive at a safe, still spot so I can get off of it and stop wondering if I will end my day laughing or crying… stop wondering if I should even bother making plans because if they get canceled, I know it could set me off… stop trying desperately NOT to feel any strong emotions for another person because I know that that emotion may not last and that one day I may just change my mind and end up hurting someone that I tricked into falling in love with me.
Love is terrifying to me. When I first started dating, I needed to be adored, worshiped and put on a pedestal because I didn't have that inside myself and I needed external validation. Nowadays, I just warn people away from falling in love with me because I know I'm bad news. The relationship may be just fine, for the most part, but it always ends badly. Throughout the relationship, I'll sometimes pick fights over nothing because I'm irritable or I'll cry inexplicably and get mad at them for not knowing how to comfort me, or I'll cling to them and beg them never to leave me because I'm feeling insecure and I love them SO much.
Then one day, I won't love them anymore. It probably doesn't actually happen overnight, but it feels like it. I'll wake up and I just… don't want them in my life. And the fact they still love me will actually disgust me. I will be repulsed by the fact that they can't just “get over” me the way I'm already over them. And I'll hurt and I'll feel bad because I hurt them and I'll cry because I feel bad. But I won't really care, I'll walk away and it will be as though I never truly loved them and I won't know why. I'll say “he just wasn't right for me” and I'll feel bad because I don't believe there's anyone out there who IS right for me and maybe that last one was the only chance I'll ever get to not die alone. And I'll tell myself I'm OK with dying alone because at least that way I can't hurt anyone else- including myself. But then I always crave love again…
I was never physically or sexually abused, that I can remember. But I was an extremely sensitive child. My mother and I would argue constantly because I questioned her authority over me from practically the day I could talk. I threw quite a few tantrums but after each fight, I would track down my mother and beg her to tell me she still loved me, because I was convinced that when she was angry, she stopped loving me and that she would go away.
From the age of 9 to the age of 16, I underwent constant verbal and emotional abuse at a private school run by a Sadist. I'm not exaggerating. He insulted us so much that cruelty became the local vocabulary. If you couldn't make another student cry within about 5 minutes of meeting them, you weren't going to survive. One girl left and had to be checked into a mental hospital (or so rumor had it) because other kids had been so cruel to her. She wasn't in any of my classes and I didn't really know the girl, but I remember the reaction around the lunch table was a few forlorn smiles, a shake of the head and “She couldn't hack it.”
And yet, sometimes I think I must be over-thinking things or exaggerating my situation because, when I feel “normal” it's like a lot of these thoughts and feelings never happened. Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar because I do get bursts of good feeling too, but if I'm BP, it's extremely fast-cycling because I've never had a good mood last for more than a couple days at a time and it's usually followed by a bad mood for a day or 2 (a sort of "malaise". The depressive states don't usually last more than a few days either, but the emptiness and feeling of meaninglessness always linger for a while... And I get bored ALL the time. Everything bores me and I HATE that because, intellectually, I think life and people and so many things are fascinating but I'm rarely in the mood to enjoy them...
But since the abuse I suffered was NOTHING compared to some people I've known (friends who were raped and/or beaten in childhood) I feel like I don't have a right to be this f*cked up. I feel like my own internal struggle is invalidated because I didn't suffer enough to justify it.
So... am I in the right place?
 

 

The designation “quiet borderline” describes a personality style sometimes present among people with borderline personality disorder (BPD), but one that isn’t well known. When we think of a person with BPD, we often imagine someone who angers quickly, who rages, cries and throws tantrums—who is unable to keep herself from expressing negative emotions in an outward and punishing way. Someone who is a “quiet borderline” rarely exhibits acting out behaviors and instead “acts in.” Acting in refers to hostility, aggression, anger and other potentially self-injurious emotions being internalized rather than verbalized or used to fuel behaviors that impact others. This constant internalization of intense negative emotions often means that others are unaware of the extent to which people with “quiet” BPD experience despair and pain. Even the individuals who have it may be unwilling or unable to acknowledge the possibility of a BPD diagnosis for a long time, as some of the more characteristic behaviors common to BPD may not seem to apply to them. However, any person diagnosed with BPD—whether “quiet” or not—will have met the diagnostic criteria.
People with “quiet” BPD often experience a sense of isolation and a lack of connection to the outside world. They may spend a great deal of time and energy rationalizing and denying the effects of their unstable emotions, then harming themselves psychologically or even physically, in despair over their inability to feel in control. They may feel confident one moment and deeply self-hating the next. This inconstancy in self-appraisal is common to all people who suffer from BPD; the difference is that those with “quiet” BPD are far likelier to hide this emotional reality from their loved ones in a way that eventually becomes painfully isolating.