When Narcissists Use No Contact Against YOU

The Intent to Harm

Being told a friend, family member or partner is using No Contact to protect themselves from YOU is confounding. Reality is turned upside-down when the narcissist refuses your phone calls, deletes your emails, bans you from their Facebook page. Through the grapevine, you're told the narcissist avoids office luncheons because you're there. She can't be the bridesmaid if you're the best man. He can't go to the neighborhood picnic since you volunteered to flip the burgers. Your entire social circle from Earth to Jupiter has been informed of this tragic predicament and people wonder how YOU managed to make someone's life so miserable they had to use No Contact (or take out a restraining order). You didn't seem to be a dangerous person but who in the blue hell knows who anybody really is behind closed doors? You have now, my friend, entered the surrealistic world of DARVO: Defend, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. DARVO is the terrain of the narcissistic personality which means the No Contact plan has switched from self-protection to the intention to harm.

"We had planned for you to go with us on the cruise and then Ted told Tom that he was afraid for his life because you were too crazy for cruises. We don't want you to feel badly because we really like you. We just felt Ted would be a better fit and besides, Ted said you were terrified of water---something to do with your abusive childhood, which we're so very sorry to hear about and never would have guessed. I hope you won't take this personally because we can still do lunch. Without Ted, of course."

At this point, the desire to defend ourselves and "set the record straight" often leads to over-sharing, the kinds of confessions that make us look guilty. Saying nothing ends up being our best defense, trusting the truth will eventually "out" and people will know we're not too crazy for cruises. Please know that you are not obligated to explain why the narcissist refuses contact. Just sigh deeply and say, "Isn't the weather nice today!" Change the subject. Don't take the bait. People love drama, so act as if you are nonplussed and buy movie tickets instead.

The truth is that you feel slightly crazy and even broken by No Contact allegations. The narcissist feels powerful and proud. You feel rejected and alone. The narcissist finds your replacement, even a "mob squad" of flying monkeys to tear you down. You are flooded with fear, obligation and guilt, the very human desire to maintain connections. The narcissist is inflated with self-righteous satisfaction because you are being punished for disrespecting them, or for whatever your offense might have been and that can change from day to day, one hour to the next.

The reason people are hurt by No Contact is because we have four basic needs, according to Kip Williams in Ostracism: the Power of Silence. If you grew up with narcissistic parents, you likely experienced The Silent Treatment, the cold shoulder, the "You do not exist" torture of living In Contact with people who use No Contact to control family members. Without warning, you are shunned until you have suffered sufficiently for your perceived sins, thus satisfying the need to punish. Suffering sufficiently means: breaking your spirit.

"Being cut off, cut loose, cut down, and cut dead is perhaps the worst thing that can happen to us. I argue that the simple act of being ignored simultaneously attacks four fundamental human needs. Our sense of connection and belonging is severed; the control we desire between our actions and outcomes is uncoupled; our self-esteem is shaken by feelings of shame, guilt or inferiority; and we feel like a ghost, observing what life would be like if we did not exist. [meaningful existence] " ~Williams (page 6)

No one in the narcissistic family knows how to resolve conflicts because feelings are not validated and recognized. Feelings are silenced, repressed, or used as facts and acted upon, irrationally. The narcissistic family cannot teach children how to resolve relational conflict because narcissists lack the social and emotional intelligence required for healthy resolutions. That means family members carry emotional dysfunction forward, invalidating others because that is all they know. Harming people by cutting off relationship is a learned behavior that can be unlearned.

I think it's important to include some background as to why children of narcissists (ACoNs) repeat dysfunctional behaviors in adult relationships, even using the Silent Treatment they hated so much as children. Without intervention of some kind (self-help is great), they operate on automatic pilot until experiencing a serious crisis. If they don't have a pathological disorder, a relationship crisis will encourage them to unlearn harmful behaviors because they care about their impact on others and desire relationship with them. If attempts to set limits and establish healthy boundaries are consistently trespassed or even ridiculed, they must assert their self-worth and focus on themselves, allowing others to do likewise.

Low or No Contact is a last resort after failing to resolve hurtful behaviors inherent to narcissistic relationships. There is no intent to harm others and it's usually a private decision.

In contrast, the narcissist's use of No Contact is a punishment granting complete control by blocking communication with perceived offenders. The intent is to harm.

Control, punishment and coercion are three goals of appropriated No Contact.

When No Contact is about Power and Control---not Love and Attachment 

1) When No Contact is a preemptive strike (Control)

Narcissists use No Contact to prove they were victimized. It's a precautionary defense against the perceived threat of exposure if and when you tell your side of the story. The fact that you are unlikely to tell people about the incident(s) won't occur to the narcissist who believes "others will do to them, what they would do to others". Contrary to their beliefs, most people are sensitive to the narcissist's pain, oftentimes refusing to talk with other people about the situation because they don't want to hurt the narcissist. Maybe our shame has something to do with that. It's never easy telling people you were abused. 

The preemptive strike might also be compared to the Smear Campaign. When your reputation is being undermined and you know it, even an innocuous glance feels like an accusation. Reputations are important to people. We want to be well thought of which is why Smear Campaigns posing as No Contact, are tactically effective. The public humiliation can drive people into behaving in ways that reinforce the narcissist's accusation that you are crazy. (crazy is a typical accusation) Once again, the narcissist's lack of self-awareness means their harassing behaviors are not recognized as contributory. And if they are tactically conscious, you must accept their sadistic intent. Enjoying the spectacle they've created is not normal. It can in no way be considered self-protection because the majority of people feel remorseful when seeing the harmful effect their behavior has on others. Even someone who "did us wrong." (Revenge is the narcissist's territory).

2) When No Contact is The Silent Treatment (Punishment)   

All you know when people pretend you don't exist is that you're wrong. You are a bad person. Your presence is irrelevant. You've been banished. You are not allowed to defend yourself or refute allegations. The Silent Treatment increases feelings of powerlessness because we have zero control over the situation. How can you make amends if you have no blessed idea why you were "ghosted" in the first place? Total exclusion maintains the narcissist's perceptions without contradiction and without resolution. If your voice has been silenced, there is no reason to doubt the narcissist's version of events. The intent is to punish you for offending the narcissist (or group). 

When people experience social rejection as torture, it's fair to say they're being punished. I think this form of No Contact can be defined as Relational aggression. The Silent Treatment posing as No Contact could be considered bullying since it also causes serious psychological distress (even suicide). I'm sure many of you have experienced this with narcissistic people. It is emotionally crippling beyond reason which is why I wasn't surprised to read this statement: "Social rejection has been established to cause psychological damage and has been categorized as torture." 

 3)  When No Contact is Getting Their Way (Coercion)  

This form of No Contact trains you through fear of rejection, to give narcissists whatever they want. After being cut off, you'll try harder the next time without realizing you're being conditioned to comply. Your anxiety increases because the relationship is not safe and you never know when you'll say or do something worthy of another No Contact Compliance Lesson. The more you are rejected by the narcissist, the harder you'll try to reinsert yourself in his/her life. 

You are hard-wired to make and sustain connections. You may even be obsessive about getting closure because you don't know why they went No Contact in the first place. Overtime, the unpredictability of doing something wrong and being punished, creates enough insecurity for people to "walk on eggshells" and (to the narcissist's advantage) become even more manageable, more controllable, more compliant.

Sickeningly, some websites instruct people to use No Contact to "get back a former lover". Well, game-playing is the stuff and nonsense of narcissistic personalities who have a ludic love-style (Campbell). Game-playing should be a Red Flag whether you are doing it yourself or someone else is doing it to you. The second red flag in this No Contact game is the sheer Machiavellianism taking advantage of the human need for love and connection. With Machiavellian personalities, the ends justify the means and that never sits well for trustworthy relationships. If someone is using No Contact to manipulate you into pleasing them, what kind of relationship do you think you're creating? Susan Elliott counsels, "Don't let yourself be bullied into being friends."    

A final word about No Contact as "shame management" 

Narcissists have low tolerance for criticism. They have limited self-awareness. They inflate self-esteem to maintain good feelings about themselves which means their self-esteem is fragile. Narcissistic people are easily shamed. They attack anyone who threatens the image they have of themselves. Close relationships are primed for shame management when people see through their pretenses. An easy example is infidelity. "No Contact as shame management" could be any wrongful behavior, but the majority of people deem fidelity to be a value. So let's go with a topic I'm sadly familiar with and wish I had known about narcissistic defenses at the time.

When the betraying narcissist reconciles with their spouse and family, they are reminded of their mistake, the infidelity. They are reminded of their ordinariness because infidelity ain't the road less traveled. They are reminded of their vulnerability to family member's power to forgive or reject. They have lost control. They feel annihilated without their Good Person Image eliciting admiration and respect. The resultant shame can be overwhelming to a degree most people can't fathom. This is how the family becomes a source of unbearable shame even if family members are repairing the damage, forgiving and forgetting. The family can get over the narcissist's wrongdoings; the narcissist can't.

When the false self is exposed through direct confrontation, the narcissist feels threatened. They feel as though they're under attack by people who see through their pretenses, see their weaknesses. While in this state of shame, the narcissist's perceptions are filtered through a lens of sheer panic. Losing the false self/image so carefully crafted to meet relationship needs, feels like an imminent death. This is one reason why people with no intent to do harm, are perceived to be life-threatening. Narcissist's sense of self is threatened when they are with people they betrayed, lied to, cheated or treated badly. They have lost the control they need to manage their narcissism.