Stranger in my head
Who is this man in my dreams
His smile calms all my screams
And he is actually trustworthy, it seems
I guess I could say I love him
But love is such a strong word
One that I can't believe I've ever heard
The more I push him away
The more he comes closer
He knows how it feels to only want closure
His embrace is all that can take away my hate
And his face tells a story of this life that is now my fate
Those eyes, so dark, yet warm
They tell me of how he's been beaten and torn
We both live in the same hard storm
Is it really possible to love something imaginary
I think it is
That's the burden I carry
Diluted Blood
My heart's now stone
and it's all because of you
I'm cut to the bone
and it's all because of you
The blood that we share is a nightmare that I fear too
The life I could have is why I refuse to make the same mistakes as you
To keep myself opposite to you, I push away feeling
And love no one
As long as I never merry, I may be able to start healing
The traditions that were passed down from our ancestors leave us crippled
Because it involves hurting others
The next generation is the target
They pass it on from father to daughter
Diluted blood can never be purified
I know, no matter how hard I've tried I can't change what's inside
Searching for reasons
Human nature??
Life; a long road of adventure.
Longing for a life worth living....
All of us needing answers of the unknown
Not realising how quickly we've all grown
Looking under your pillow for lost broken dreams
Where all your truth hides and imagination gleams
Crawling through life, gazing at the skies above
Swimming, struggling and drowning through the tears
Good and bad memories haunt us over the years
Idea's and inventions from special minds
Love and learning carefully binds
What is acceptable- non of us know
Searching between what is wrong or right
A torn heart in between a powerful fight
makeup
I cover my monster; paint her all pretty, every morning.
I hide her underneath layers of all things false, layers to keep her warm,
To warm her frozen bony fingers.
Her insides are arctic tundra, cold inside of me.
I try to melt off the layers.
She wants to break out.
She wants her release,
And I’m no strong enough to not let her take over
Wish upon a star...
I try to be better
I promise I do
but my thoughts
they always get through
This illness is louder
than anything I hear
"You worthless ****,
why are you here?"
I don't know why
can someone give me a clue?
Because everything in my head
is louder than you
If my wish came true
from that shooting star,
I'd wish for my monster
to be extremely afar.
~Never Ending~~
Dark demons, blackened memories, constant battles
Never Ending
What has my life become but a dark abyss of agony and sorrow; so overwhelming
Never Ending
Alwayz nightmares, no happy place, destroying the innocence once shown on my face. Im such a disgrace.
So lost, So cold; feeling dead, overtaken by the forces in my head.
The creatures stealing away my lifeless soul, my every being
Never Ending
Misery exhausting me within for all days.
Darkness
A hell one will never live
As they eat away at my fears revealing my scars, they're so controling
IT'S NEVER ENDING
Plausible
I'll get better
tell me it's possible,
because the prospect of living like this
it isn't plausible
I told the people I loved
that I hate them
because reality is
I hate me.
And I could say I didn't mean it
but everyone knows I'll do it again
because she walks with the magic man
to get rid of her pain
and I see why you give up on me
because I'd do that too,
but I wish someone
would try and get through
Shannice is there somewhere
isn't she?
or has she faded away
in her quest to find peace.
She dislikes the number five,
so she'll write another stanza;
and hope that one day
there will be an answer.
What happens within this "Never Ending"
The demons come with no mercy and leave me feeling battered and bruised,
dazed and confused,
worthless so hopeless
I alwayz lose
this battle within my head
that goes on with no end
till I'm raving mad or internaly dead!
"Never Ending"
~ I wake up crying in the dark of night
Barely breathing and filled with utter fright
My heart races while my mind shuts down
Total happiness never to be found... ~
BPD
Some days I wonder if I'm even alive
I just slice my skin so maybe I can feel
Some days I wonder if I should have died
I wonder if this life is even real
Some days I wonder if I'm even walking
If I am a human or just a ghost
I am thinking words but am I speaking?
To feel alive, worth something, i want it most
But am I even really here?
Am I really living right now?
I can bleed, shed tears
Why is it I can't be found?
Is this just another episode?
Or is it reality coming to light?
I'm just crazy, I suppose
I'm beginning to lose this fight
I wish someone could make me alive
Til then I grab the razor again
Cut, blood I shed, tears I cry
I just want to be alive, to live
For as long as I remain, I still exist
My only friend the blade of a knife
The only one who gives me no strife
One cut, two cut, three cut four
The frenzy begins for even more
The crimson blood streams down my wrist
It shows me that I do exist
Thoughts, feelings and emotions go with every cut
Somewhat
My mind snaps back to reality
Hating myself for this irrationality
The taunting words come back to haunt me
I scream 'Just leave me be'
They say no pain no gain
The pain is inside
The scars remind me that I still remain
Broken
I am broken.
This is a fact.
Everyone knows it.
Wether they say it or not,
I can see it in their eyes
The disdain
They Judge me.
I did not do this to myself.
It was not a choice
Most of the 'people' judging me,
They played a part
The ones I drank with
That taught me to smoke
To steal
To lie
To sleep around
The ones who abused me
The ones who simply ignored me
You all did this to me
Minute by minute
Day by day
Person by person
I was torn down
They all got to keep going
Living their lives
As if nothing happened
And I'm here
On the floor
Lost
They tore at me
Merciless
I tried fighting until
I ended up tearing
At myself
No longer sure of what I was fighting
There's nothing left of me
I don't know who I am
I can't trust myself
How do you become someone in this world
When you don't know
Who you really are?
To be free.
I dont want to live but I dont want to die
Here I am trapped, wrapped up in this lie
It seems such a struggle just to go on
I am fed up and tired of trying to be strong
I try to break free, free from my head
But there I am trapped, held hostage instead.
I look to the light, I can see people there
But sometimes I wish that no one would care
For then I could break free from this pain
Then no one woukd hurt and freedom i`d gain
But just for now I have to hold on
I have have faith and have to be strong
Borderline Personality Disorder
I once dreamt of happiness.
I once hoped they'd understand.
I try to keep my mind quite, as it's the one that speaks lies I believe.
I trust people with my heart, so they steal it away.
I would look for help but no help is to be found.
I would care less, but I only can care too much.
I draw smiley faces with knives as they are the only ones that keep me calm.
I degrade myself worst then my worst enemy.
I worry if tomorrow when I wake all will be lost, if everyone that I love will be gone.
I act impulsively to acceptance and hold on to it for dear life.
Still only a dream, I dream of happiness, understanding, love, safety, validation, and most of all self acceptance.
I'm a mask of faces, ask me to be anything and I can be it.
I fix, and only fix, as I break.
Far from Normal
You'd be surprised to know
The lengths we go
To dull the absolute pain
In our irrational minds
Lately,
I don't want to do anything
but lay down and cry
just for no reason
but the voices get louder
and I can't breathe
because they f*cking suffocate me.
Lately,
I've been craving pain,
it's something about it
that gives me an adrenaline feeling
some type of rush that makes me want more
Borderline Personality Disorder
I don't want to be this girl
Or to still push you away
But everything inside of me
Is swearing you won't stay.
I don't want to act like this
I don't want to let you go
But sometimes I get lost-
And its the only way I know.
So even with the meds
That are running through my veins
It's hard to see the sunshine
When all around it rains.
And this sickness that I hold
Has become a part of me
I don't mean to be a ****...
But I'm owned by BPD.
A Dying wish?
Come close to me and hold me tight,
tell me it will be alright.
I don't want to live but I don't want to die,
I want to go but I can't say goodbye.
I'm scared to death of my head,
all I can do is lie in bed.
The pain and torture from the past,
shall this day be my last?
Please stay with me, so i'm not alone,
whilst my heart is turning into stone.
All I want is to be held tight,
hold my hand and say...
Goodnight.
Unworthy I am filled with hate....
I hate you for making me feel unwanted when I love you so much...
I hate you for not seeing how much I need you to save me...
I hate myself for being too afraid to say it out loud.
I hate you for not loving me enough to help me.
I hate you for not crying like I am..
I hate myself for the cutting things I say.
I hate you for loving me when I hate you.. because I cant feel love...Right now.
it all boils over....
I hurt.... I hate.. I fear......I want to die.
I lie alone on the floor sobbing.
hating myself for the monster within..
Hating myself for the things I've said..
Hating you for not rescuing me...
Hating the fact that I live....
I hurt ... I feel I am dying inside.
The pain kills me.. it is torture
I wonder why you couldn't just love me...save me..
Cant you see I'm a frightened child?
you turned away when I needed you...
how could you not see past the anger to the pain..
it hurts me... you didn't care to look...
you didn't want to help me....
I live and I hurt... and I hurt you..
I should die so I wont hurt like this.
I should die to free you from this hell.
You told me to go ahead... kill myself..
now I know my worth to you.
But I couldn't. you wouldn't do it.... I asked you to...
I tried but I couldn't... I love you too much..
I want to.. I want to die... but I love you.
I love you but you abandon me time after time.
You hate the scars on me... I try not to cut...,
But if I cant die how else to punish myself ?
I am unworthy... you want me dead.. I am unloved...
It has happened again... like I knew it would
such shame in this... such fear... I want to die.
the knife is so shiny... I can feel it.. I long for it..
the hot sting that will free me... I cant... I shouldn't...
the silent plea comes again..
weaker this time... help me.. love me... please..I'm so sorry...
but you cant hear that... you wouldn't believe it.. and I cant say it.
I want to... I am so alone and afraid...
Hurting and hating
I see the way you look at me...
you said to do it...
How could someone I love so much not love me too?
you wont save me.... I hurt.. you want me to die...
I am such a monster that you want me to die..
kill myself? it hurts so bad... I cant escape and I cant die..
Pain numbs pain...
Maybe Ill just bleed instead..
Then your arms shelter me, the storm is over...
you tenderly wipe the blood from me.
I sit limply.. heartbroken.. betrayed.. aching
Crying into your chest, long wracking sobs, wailing as if to wake the dead
your tears fall into my hair as you hold me..
loving me the best you know how... not understanding... afraid.
looking up into your eyes filled with fear myself..
I whisper... I'm sorry...
we cry and hold each other... both alone...and afraid.. but hoping this time will be the last.
knowing it wont be...
slowly you rock me.. I rock you... I wonder how you see me..
I am tired, drained, safe at last in your arms.
the tension leaves me and the memory of the past hour fades quickly...
leaving a headache and the echoing words...
Save me.....
Who is this man in my dreams
His smile calms all my screams
And he is actually trustworthy, it seems
I guess I could say I love him
But love is such a strong word
One that I can't believe I've ever heard
The more I push him away
The more he comes closer
He knows how it feels to only want closure
His embrace is all that can take away my hate
And his face tells a story of this life that is now my fate
Those eyes, so dark, yet warm
They tell me of how he's been beaten and torn
We both live in the same hard storm
Is it really possible to love something imaginary
I think it is
That's the burden I carry
Diluted Blood
My heart's now stone
and it's all because of you
I'm cut to the bone
and it's all because of you
The blood that we share is a nightmare that I fear too
The life I could have is why I refuse to make the same mistakes as you
To keep myself opposite to you, I push away feeling
And love no one
As long as I never merry, I may be able to start healing
The traditions that were passed down from our ancestors leave us crippled
Because it involves hurting others
The next generation is the target
They pass it on from father to daughter
Diluted blood can never be purified
I know, no matter how hard I've tried I can't change what's inside
Searching for reasons
Human nature??
Life; a long road of adventure.
Longing for a life worth living....
All of us needing answers of the unknown
Not realising how quickly we've all grown
Looking under your pillow for lost broken dreams
Where all your truth hides and imagination gleams
Crawling through life, gazing at the skies above
Swimming, struggling and drowning through the tears
Good and bad memories haunt us over the years
Idea's and inventions from special minds
Love and learning carefully binds
What is acceptable- non of us know
Searching between what is wrong or right
A torn heart in between a powerful fight
makeup
I cover my monster; paint her all pretty, every morning.
I hide her underneath layers of all things false, layers to keep her warm,
To warm her frozen bony fingers.
Her insides are arctic tundra, cold inside of me.
I try to melt off the layers.
She wants to break out.
She wants her release,
And I’m no strong enough to not let her take over
Wish upon a star...
I try to be better
I promise I do
but my thoughts
they always get through
This illness is louder
than anything I hear
"You worthless ****,
why are you here?"
I don't know why
can someone give me a clue?
Because everything in my head
is louder than you
If my wish came true
from that shooting star,
I'd wish for my monster
to be extremely afar.
~Never Ending~~
Dark demons, blackened memories, constant battles
Never Ending
What has my life become but a dark abyss of agony and sorrow; so overwhelming
Never Ending
Alwayz nightmares, no happy place, destroying the innocence once shown on my face. Im such a disgrace.
So lost, So cold; feeling dead, overtaken by the forces in my head.
The creatures stealing away my lifeless soul, my every being
Never Ending
Misery exhausting me within for all days.
Darkness
A hell one will never live
As they eat away at my fears revealing my scars, they're so controling
IT'S NEVER ENDING
Plausible
I'll get better
tell me it's possible,
because the prospect of living like this
it isn't plausible
I told the people I loved
that I hate them
because reality is
I hate me.
And I could say I didn't mean it
but everyone knows I'll do it again
because she walks with the magic man
to get rid of her pain
and I see why you give up on me
because I'd do that too,
but I wish someone
would try and get through
Shannice is there somewhere
isn't she?
or has she faded away
in her quest to find peace.
She dislikes the number five,
so she'll write another stanza;
and hope that one day
there will be an answer.
What happens within this "Never Ending"
The demons come with no mercy and leave me feeling battered and bruised,
dazed and confused,
worthless so hopeless
I alwayz lose
this battle within my head
that goes on with no end
till I'm raving mad or internaly dead!
"Never Ending"
~ I wake up crying in the dark of night
Barely breathing and filled with utter fright
My heart races while my mind shuts down
Total happiness never to be found... ~
BPD
Some days I wonder if I'm even alive
I just slice my skin so maybe I can feel
Some days I wonder if I should have died
I wonder if this life is even real
Some days I wonder if I'm even walking
If I am a human or just a ghost
I am thinking words but am I speaking?
To feel alive, worth something, i want it most
But am I even really here?
Am I really living right now?
I can bleed, shed tears
Why is it I can't be found?
Is this just another episode?
Or is it reality coming to light?
I'm just crazy, I suppose
I'm beginning to lose this fight
I wish someone could make me alive
Til then I grab the razor again
Cut, blood I shed, tears I cry
I just want to be alive, to live
For as long as I remain, I still exist
My only friend the blade of a knife
The only one who gives me no strife
One cut, two cut, three cut four
The frenzy begins for even more
The crimson blood streams down my wrist
It shows me that I do exist
Thoughts, feelings and emotions go with every cut
Somewhat
My mind snaps back to reality
Hating myself for this irrationality
The taunting words come back to haunt me
I scream 'Just leave me be'
They say no pain no gain
The pain is inside
The scars remind me that I still remain
Broken
I am broken.
This is a fact.
Everyone knows it.
Wether they say it or not,
I can see it in their eyes
The disdain
They Judge me.
I did not do this to myself.
It was not a choice
Most of the 'people' judging me,
They played a part
The ones I drank with
That taught me to smoke
To steal
To lie
To sleep around
The ones who abused me
The ones who simply ignored me
You all did this to me
Minute by minute
Day by day
Person by person
I was torn down
They all got to keep going
Living their lives
As if nothing happened
And I'm here
On the floor
Lost
They tore at me
Merciless
I tried fighting until
I ended up tearing
At myself
No longer sure of what I was fighting
There's nothing left of me
I don't know who I am
I can't trust myself
How do you become someone in this world
When you don't know
Who you really are?
To be free.
I dont want to live but I dont want to die
Here I am trapped, wrapped up in this lie
It seems such a struggle just to go on
I am fed up and tired of trying to be strong
I try to break free, free from my head
But there I am trapped, held hostage instead.
I look to the light, I can see people there
But sometimes I wish that no one would care
For then I could break free from this pain
Then no one woukd hurt and freedom i`d gain
But just for now I have to hold on
I have have faith and have to be strong
Borderline Personality Disorder
I once dreamt of happiness.
I once hoped they'd understand.
I try to keep my mind quite, as it's the one that speaks lies I believe.
I trust people with my heart, so they steal it away.
I would look for help but no help is to be found.
I would care less, but I only can care too much.
I draw smiley faces with knives as they are the only ones that keep me calm.
I degrade myself worst then my worst enemy.
I worry if tomorrow when I wake all will be lost, if everyone that I love will be gone.
I act impulsively to acceptance and hold on to it for dear life.
Still only a dream, I dream of happiness, understanding, love, safety, validation, and most of all self acceptance.
I'm a mask of faces, ask me to be anything and I can be it.
I fix, and only fix, as I break.
Far from Normal
You'd be surprised to know
The lengths we go
To dull the absolute pain
In our irrational minds
Lately,
I don't want to do anything
but lay down and cry
just for no reason
but the voices get louder
and I can't breathe
because they f*cking suffocate me.
Lately,
I've been craving pain,
it's something about it
that gives me an adrenaline feeling
some type of rush that makes me want more
Borderline Personality Disorder
I don't want to be this girl
Or to still push you away
But everything inside of me
Is swearing you won't stay.
I don't want to act like this
I don't want to let you go
But sometimes I get lost-
And its the only way I know.
So even with the meds
That are running through my veins
It's hard to see the sunshine
When all around it rains.
And this sickness that I hold
Has become a part of me
I don't mean to be a ****...
But I'm owned by BPD.
A Dying wish?
Come close to me and hold me tight,
tell me it will be alright.
I don't want to live but I don't want to die,
I want to go but I can't say goodbye.
I'm scared to death of my head,
all I can do is lie in bed.
The pain and torture from the past,
shall this day be my last?
Please stay with me, so i'm not alone,
whilst my heart is turning into stone.
All I want is to be held tight,
hold my hand and say...
Goodnight.
Unworthy I am filled with hate....
I hate you for making me feel unwanted when I love you so much...
I hate you for not seeing how much I need you to save me...
I hate myself for being too afraid to say it out loud.
I hate you for not loving me enough to help me.
I hate you for not crying like I am..
I hate myself for the cutting things I say.
I hate you for loving me when I hate you.. because I cant feel love...Right now.
it all boils over....
I hurt.... I hate.. I fear......I want to die.
I lie alone on the floor sobbing.
hating myself for the monster within..
Hating myself for the things I've said..
Hating you for not rescuing me...
Hating the fact that I live....
I hurt ... I feel I am dying inside.
The pain kills me.. it is torture
I wonder why you couldn't just love me...save me..
Cant you see I'm a frightened child?
you turned away when I needed you...
how could you not see past the anger to the pain..
it hurts me... you didn't care to look...
you didn't want to help me....
I live and I hurt... and I hurt you..
I should die so I wont hurt like this.
I should die to free you from this hell.
You told me to go ahead... kill myself..
now I know my worth to you.
But I couldn't. you wouldn't do it.... I asked you to...
I tried but I couldn't... I love you too much..
I want to.. I want to die... but I love you.
I love you but you abandon me time after time.
You hate the scars on me... I try not to cut...,
But if I cant die how else to punish myself ?
I am unworthy... you want me dead.. I am unloved...
It has happened again... like I knew it would
such shame in this... such fear... I want to die.
the knife is so shiny... I can feel it.. I long for it..
the hot sting that will free me... I cant... I shouldn't...
the silent plea comes again..
weaker this time... help me.. love me... please..I'm so sorry...
but you cant hear that... you wouldn't believe it.. and I cant say it.
I want to... I am so alone and afraid...
Hurting and hating
I see the way you look at me...
you said to do it...
How could someone I love so much not love me too?
you wont save me.... I hurt.. you want me to die...
I am such a monster that you want me to die..
kill myself? it hurts so bad... I cant escape and I cant die..
Pain numbs pain...
Maybe Ill just bleed instead..
Then your arms shelter me, the storm is over...
you tenderly wipe the blood from me.
I sit limply.. heartbroken.. betrayed.. aching
Crying into your chest, long wracking sobs, wailing as if to wake the dead
your tears fall into my hair as you hold me..
loving me the best you know how... not understanding... afraid.
looking up into your eyes filled with fear myself..
I whisper... I'm sorry...
we cry and hold each other... both alone...and afraid.. but hoping this time will be the last.
knowing it wont be...
slowly you rock me.. I rock you... I wonder how you see me..
I am tired, drained, safe at last in your arms.
the tension leaves me and the memory of the past hour fades quickly...
leaving a headache and the echoing words...
Save me.....
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