bpd male

"Initially, you may be taken with his unique openness and vulnerability, since you haven't encountered this in other males you've known. It's refreshing to find a guy who doesn't censor his feelings/thoughts, and seems emotionally accessible! It's incredible that this man appears so completely without guile, he almost instantly puts you at ease and inspires your trust."

S. Schreiber, M.A.

Borderline personality disorder in males is sometimes referred to as the Casanova Disorder, and it is one of psychiatry’s best-kept secrets. There may be several reasons for this. Perhaps because the behaviors/symptoms in males, which are nearly identical to those in women, are considered more acceptable by the culture making it more difficult to recognize and to diagnose.

It is referred to as the Casanova Disorder because these men tend to be highly romantic, and addicted to love, seduction, and sex.

The disorder has a strong link to early childhood and the mother child relationship. As an adult the male borderline is searching for the female nurturing and affection which he never received as a boy. This is not to negate the biological or genetic component that also seems to play a role in the development of this disorder.

"A hallmark trait of BPD, the inability to manage inner feelings, is just as present in the male, but it often manifests as spousal abuse or other violent acts rather than the self-directed anger more often seen in the female borderline" Rex Cowdry, MD

Symptoms of borderline personality disorder in males

Very romantic. Borderline men are obsessed with romance and love. They tend to be very open when speaking about feelings and romance and they will often proclaim their love early on in a relationship. It is not real love of course but for him it is.

Short-lived intense relationships. Borderline men have a difficult time forming long-lasting romantic relationships due to fears of intimacy and abandonment. As a result, they tend to have many short-term unstable even volatile relationships. As soon as one relationship ends, the borderline male will begin pursuing a new one. For these men it is all about the rebound and the chase. They are often sex addicted and cannot differentiate intimacy from the physical sex act.

Mood Swings. Borderlines experience mood swings frequently, and unlike bipolar disorder, they can happen within a few hours. He can go from being narcissistic and arrogant to being depressed or angry and back to confident again within hours.

Love Addict / Love Phobic. The borderline male is a walking contradiction; he is a true paradox. He is both addicted to love in terms of the chase, the romance, and the sex, and fearful of it because of his underlying fears of intimacy and commitment. He will be incredibly romantic and sensitive initially, seemingly too good to be true. However once the chase is over and he has secured a woman's heart his backpedaling will begin.

Narcissistic / Insecure. Once again, the borderline male is a paradox. He can appear to be incredibly confident, dashing, cavalier and quite full of himself. However beneath this thin veil of vanity lives a very insecure man who feels both unworthy and unlovable.

Substance Abuse. Like women, borderline men also tend to abuse alcohol and/or drugs. Because of their inability to self-soothe or deal with their emotional pain in healthy ways, drugs and alcohol are quick and easy escapes for them.

Sensitive to Criticism. Borderline men are hypersensitive to real or perceived criticism or negative remarks. They are incredibly “thin skinned”. Criticism whether real or perceived can send them into a state of rage or depression.

Suspicious, untrusting, and jealous. Because their internal dialogue is that, “they are unworthy" and "unlovable" borderline men tend to be very jealous in relationships. No matter how much they are reassured, they are simply incapable of trusting. They will often test women, sometimes repeatedly, in an attempt to reassure themselves.

Recklessness. Borderline men engage is risky, impulsive, or reckless behavior. This can include things such as reckless driving, drinking, drug use, promiscuous sex, gambling, overspending, etc.

“Borderline men frequently engage in addictive, sexually compulsive behaviors, including regularly hiring prostitutes, having serial affairs, going to strip clubs, obsessively viewing pornography, engaging in voyeurism or exhibitionism, and compulsive masturbation. Some borderline men even use high-risk sex as a form of self-harm.” Mary Gay, PhD.

Low self-esteem. At the heart of this disorder is a man who feels incredibly insecure, inadequate, and unworthy. This comes from being the product of an emotionally unavailable mother or caregiver who never met his boyhood needs for affection and love.

Inappropriate intense anger. Anger is common to all borderlines, and it is often extreme and "out of proportion" for the situation. Real or perceived slights, criticisms, or fear of being left alone are some of the things that can cause this male to go off the deep end. Physical violence is not uncommon in borderline males.

Suicidal thoughts. Borderline men often engage in suicidal thoughts or ideation. Half of all borderlines attempt suicide at least once, and 10% go on to complete suicide.

There is no cure for borderline personality disorder. However, with the proper treatment and time, patients can make significant improvements. Many of the symptoms such as anxiety and depression can be managed with medication.

Like most personality disorders, borderline personality disorder typically will decrease in intensity with age, with many people experiencing few of the extreme symptoms by the time they are in the 40s or 50s.

 I'm definitely a Borderline male. Not proud to say it but it's true. I tend to fall for beautiful but very bad girls who are NPD or Histrionic. I "fall in love" easily and I can become addicted to a girl sexually if she "rocks my world" : ) I fell for a girl named Rachael and we dated off and on for four years. She rocked my world emotionally and sexually and then she moved to Florida. I keep in touch with her because I'm still obsessed with her. I've come to the conclusion that she's HPD because she loves the attention I continue to give her even though she's with another guy. I fianlly realized after doing research on the internet that she keeps in touch with not because she genuinely cares about me but because she "gets off" on having power over men.
As for me, the BPD male, we feel abandoned by the "hot" HPD female who has moved on to her next "conquest". Also BPD males HATE getting dumped or ignored by chics they really dig but we don't think twice about dumping a woman we're done with. It can be a cruel cycle as relationships come and go.


One of the things I sense is similar is our fear of abandonment, but it's also this fear of abandonment which drives me to infidelity.

When I start relationships with women, it tends to evolve from an impulsive hookup. One of the things people tend to report about borderline women is--for lack of a better word--enthusiasm in the bedroom. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I do believe that this is also the case for men. I tend to be very romantic with women very intensely way too soon into a relationship, and this intensity is what I always mistake for having strong intimacy with a woman. Do you guys relate here?

Another thing I notice about my habits is the perpetual dissatisfaction I have with my relationships. Sex isn't something I generally enjoy, to be completely honest. For me, it is more of a thing you just do, not for mutual pleasure and bonding, but to please her--and from there we become more intimate. I really just tend to be whatever the hell a girl wants me to be, that ultimate man she wouldn't ever want to leave. And despite all the fear of abandonment and wanting her not to cheaton me so badly, I'll be on the lookout all the time for other girls. I'll push back intimacy when it's too much so that I can't just replace it with something else quickly when she leaves. I'll leave first


One thing I'd like to add is, after the initial intense period happens right after you hook up, I'm like you in that I become whatever the girl wants. Then, at some point, it becomes too much, and I just go cold. I go from super nice to super denigrating, and then I'm usually the one who ends things. It's as if i see them as just perfect in the beginning, and then suddenly, I see all their flaws as magnified. 

I also think the psychological stress of conforming to what they want breaks me down after awhile because I rarely communicate my needs. I have trouble talking about personal information or thinking of myself as someone who deserves anything or even as a person. My last girlfriend was an aspie, and she had to be told everything directly. This is a real problem for someone who is too agreeable and has trouble communicating their needs. I need someone who is perceptive enough to recognize my feelings without me having to spell it out. Even a lot of neurotypical (not autistic) women aren't good at this. I think, if I'm typical of BPD, that having a relationship with someone who is extremely sensitive and good at reading people (maybe someone else with BPD) is very important

I definitely agree with you about becoming "cold". I do that a lot if I let the relationship proceed further, or don't mess it up, where I just notice all of a girls flaws and then I become standoffish and cold. Numb may also be a good way to describe it at times. Sometimes I'll just shut off completely emotion-wise from someone during those "cold" fallouts. This girl who I idealized and saw as amazing not too long ago is now someone with too many flaws for me to handle. I can't take it. 

I do that too to an extent with girls I want to get to know. I'll want to know them because I see them as some amazing girl, she'll make me so happy, etc. Then I get to know her more and I'm like, actually I don't think so. The same way for sex, where I can lead myself to believe, "Oh, this time you're actually going to enjoy the sex!" but I end up not enjoying it. So I let myself down, but the letdown makes me feel conflicted about my feelings for the girl

Another thing worth mentioning that I think Borderlines, male or female, can all relate to. When sex is disappointing, I try to find that verbal and emotional intimacy. If I can't find intimacy, I need to reject them before they can reject me. Sometimes they might not even be going to break things off with me, but it's like they've already rejected me by not giving intimacy back

Alright, so let's get something straight. We DO have empathy.

Gotta say, after reading through some of that material, the writer is clearly bitter about her experience with BPD and NPD men. She is in fact very knowledgeable of the facts about the borderline; however, she is not without error in what she says. She claims that NPD people may have borderline traits, but BPD people are always narcissists. She also says borderlines do not have empathy. This is just not true at all, and there's heavy anecdotal and scientific evidence weighing against this notion. Though there is deficit to a degree in cognitive empathy for the borderline, they don't have any less emotional empathy than a neurotypical person. I'd really encourage other Borderlines to take the Empathy Quotient Test--it would really help disprove the false label we receive as unempathetic narcissists. Some BPD people do in fact have NPD or display certain NPD traits, but not all are automatically narcissists because they are men. Accusing someone of narcissism comes with the accusation of entitled feelings. It's just not cool to say BPD men must be narcissists. 

That being said, the Casanova article rings home with me on too many points to simply ignore. Based on the writing style, it is admittedly difficult to read this without feeling frustration. To be frank, this lady is a total bitch, but she is totally right in a lot of ways. If one were to sift through the condescending tone and juxtaposing of the author's obvious contempt for BPD/NPD men littered throughout the piece, he or she could definitely learn a lot. Commitment issues? Nailed it. Relationship trends? Two for two. Feelings of the borderline? 2.5 for 3. Good advice for women? Yes and no. 

Instead of depicting the BPD man as a piece of sh*t better left off in some prison like this author does, it would be useful to give the female readers a bit of insight into the feelings a BPD man experiences--actually coming from a man with BPD. She completely ignores how BPD men dislike their experiences in relationships. Will borderline men find comfort in trying to fill their voids with intimacy? Yes. Will they feel happy or content with their disrupted emotional predisposition? Hell no. The emptiness is still there. I mean, f***, she might as well advocate putting up posters and funding PSAs warning against the evil "Borderline Man". Haha, I just mean, we're people not monsters. 

So is it healthy to date BPD men? The simple answer is no. Will BPD men leave women feeling emotionally confused or upset? There's a good chance, yes. Are we horrible people that will leave you emotionally vacant? God no. Are we all narcissists who are completely void of empathy? Haha, come on that's just mudslinging bullsh*t that can't be taken seriously. A lot of us are joyful and enjoy bringing happiness to others, which is important to remember. We are interpersonally challenged. BPD men possess the same dynamic identity BPD women do, even if we can't find it on our own. 

I really hope that helps clear up some of the confusion. Thanks for bringing that Casanova piece up though; it really is important for BPD men to address these stereotypes head on. There's not enough of us as it is haha


I have many similarities in my relationships that were expressed by the other men here. I will say sex is hugely important to me, I'm really sexual, and a girl needs to have something redeeming about her sexually, be it overall intense sex, good fellatio, er, tight, or something. But there needs to be something which gets me into it, keeps me coming back. I enjoy sex, pleasing her, and being pleased, and just so much about sex, it's not really something I would compromise in.

But the big one where I seem to differ is I never get cold. I always stay touchy-freely cuddly and affectionate. The problem for me is it just continues to get increasingly intense, and that it ends up being insatiable. I need love and affection (and sex too) and I need it even more the more attached I become to validate the relationship and quell the fears of abandonment. 

However, I cannot leave a partner. I always end up dumped. I have been cheated on, left, and come back. I literally stayed with an ex (who we had a relationship suggestive of BPD-NPD) who cheated on me to my knowledge for over a year before I got fed up and left her. I still missed her for some time after. I hate being alone and I feel really comforted by not sleeping alone at night and spooning. The abrupt end of that is too much for me to give up, I always come back because I can't handle being alone.

How do borderline men differ from women?

Therapist Mary Gay, who treats many men with BPD, says she finds that borderline men frequently engage in addictive, sexually compulsive behaviors, including regularly hiring of prostitutes, having serial affairs, going to strip clubs, obsessively viewing pornography, engaging in voyeurism or exhibitionism, and compulsive masturbation. One borderline man used high-risk sex as his form of self-harm. He says:

“The out-of-control sex was something I hated myself for, it was obsessive, it felt like an invisible hand grabbing me by the collar and dragging me off to do whatever. I needed to cause enough pain and degradation to myself. The incredible guilt of the risks I was exposing my partner to really destroyed something inside me. But when the inner loneliness was strongest, sex was the only thing that would quiet the fear.”

In the past I was a fan of sexually risky behavior and exhibitionism given certain environments. The rest, nope. Now, not at all

Confessions of a Male Borderline – Part 2

For one thing, I am not outwardly aggressive. I have a lot of aggression, but I tend to Act In, not Out. I can scream bloody murder in my head and picture the world going up in flames while helping an old lady cross the street with a smile on my face. Yes, I do get into fights every once in a while, but not more than any other person I guess. I do tend to get drawn to violent situations though. I even put myself in them for the adrenaline kick it gives me. Those situations and situations involving sex (I quickly started to combine the two) are the only situations I feel truly alive. The only few precious moments that the empty gaping void within me can be filled and I am truly in the here and now instead of locked up somewhere in my own head. I like demonstrations that get out of hand, fights that break out in the street, police chases, fires, well you name it. Please understand I don’t create them though, I merely manage to get involved in them if they happen. For example, a few weeks ago there was this big manhunt in my neighborhood for this burglar just as I came back from a party in the middle of the night. You can imagine what happened next. I was the one being stopped and frisked because I might be that burglar. Annoying? Yes. Exhilarating? Absolutely. It’s all I can do not to start running just to get the police to chase me. I guess that’s what makes me a high-level borderline, the ability to stem certain urges in their tracks before they get the best of me. But for the most part I keep up a façade and implode only when I’m at home and alone, taking it out on myself as best I can. I won’t pick a fistfight just because I feel bad, I tend to not want to bother others with my problems and prefer dealing with them alone and in the dark.

Like I already said I quickly started to combine sex and violence although not in the way you’re probably thinking of right now. I do not own a black van with tinted windows, I don’t lurk in parks to bother jogging women and I definitely never, ever raise a hand against my partner. No, it’s more subtle than that and I direct the violence at myself. Violence comes on many different levels, and need not involve hitting of any kind. I have always been highly sexual, finding from an early age how much sex interests me and always hungry for more. Sex is the thing to fill the emptiness within me. I use it to feel alive, and to connect to someone. In the heat of the moment, with two bodies using each other up to the core, that’s when I feel at peace with myself and the world. I feel one and whole instead of my usual shattered self. I depersonalize and derealize very quickly, and I need the touch of another person to know I’m there, to drag me back to the present and this earth. And the feeling that comes with an orgasm frees up the dopamine my mind seems to lack continuously. But of course, having sex every once in a while wasn’t enough, not by a long shot. After a sexual encounter I can last two days before getting edgy, a week before I get nervous and after that I feel like a heroin junkie in need of a quick fix. I have done it all. Watching endless amounts of porn, visiting prostitutes, phone sex, chat sites, cam sex, blind dates via the internet…

Ah yes, those… It is not a female prerogative to be promiscuous.  Me, a heterosexual (well mostly) male, can be more promiscuous than any girl. I will stake my reputation on that. It’s very hard to get in touch with women over the internet (at least the non-paying kind) for the kind of blind date I was looking for so I resorted to gay sites instead. It was a goldmine. Most of the men coming on those sites are hidden gays with a wife and a job who don’t want their natural inclinations to come out in the open. I’m tall and very slender, with dark hair and I have this gothic vibe going on, complete with the tattoos and the black clothing. So they cued up for me. It was intoxicating to get someone, a man I have never met, who hasn’t even seen a photo of me yet, to beg for me to come over, especially after I revealed what I might let him do to me. It combined the kind of rush I need to kick start my brain. I was never certain what I would get into. Was it a hoax? Would I get beaten up and robbed (That actually nearly did happen to me once)? What if something happened and I would wake up seropositive or something? What if I got raped? With these kind of blind dates you simply don’t know what will happen.  I found that dark unknown to be utterly exhilarating and I was living this hidden life next to my own everyday life. Online I would be someone else completely, with a fake name, a fake background, and I could switch between my personas with ease.

But of course no one can keep up that kind of thing for long. I was slowly self-destructing, letting myself be abused and used, and drowning in the murky swamps that have grown rife on the internet. I was a plaything, a toy for the pleasure of others, nothing more. And in the end it only fed the despair and the hopelessness I seem to have such an unlimited supply of. I knew it was only a matter of time before something truly bad would happen to me, something I could not recover from, so I opened up about it in therapy. It has lessened my behaviors, but I still haven’t found a constructive replacement for the ecstasy that comes with that kind self-destruction.

I never did substance abuse. For one, I’ve lived abroad for most of my life and we just didn’t have hard drugs back then. We did have weed, and I used that, but that was very much for recreational purposes, half the fun coming from it being illegal. I remember smuggling weed and joints in school and chases by armed military with tracker dogs in the middle of the night. When I moved, I quit because the fun got out of the stuff pretty fast. Also, people already used to think I was on drugs most of the time even when I was completely sober so I definitely didn’t need that to be able to party. I do drink and smoke though. I always find it difficult to draw the line between abuse and a “healthy” consumption of both alcohol and cigarettes. Admittedly, smoking three packs a day while drinking a bottle of vodka could be termed as substance abuse but I never did that. I am on the other hand, hooked on both and while my daily habits have never impaired my overall functioning it is something I have to keep a lid on.

I’ve always wanted to smoke. Don’t ask me why, it’s just one of these things you can crave and when I was fifteen I decided the time had come. I took to cigarettes right away and it’s a decision I never came to regret. For me, a cigarette represents a moment of relaxation and introspection, a moment that is truly mine. But I also am attracted to the slow destruction cigarettes came to represent. I like the idea of slowly wasting away my life, and help myself to what’s hopefully going to be an early grave. That comes under the header of self-destructive tendencies right there, and I know now that I will have to give up my favorite pastime in order to help tackle those tendencies and disturbing thoughts.

The same goes with alcohol. I know quite a lot about alcohol, I’ve worked in a liquor store and it’s something of a hobby of mine. I’m known for it and people often come to me with questions about what to buy or how something tastes. But I also use it to drown my sorrows. It’s one of the reasons that my evenings are usually better than my days. I keep a firm grip on myself and only drink in the evening and almost never to excess, but I am very much aware that all in all I partly drink for entirely the wrong reasons. It’s not something I need to give up straight away, but it is a point to consider.

Obviously, I could go on and on, but I will leave it that for now. What I have tried to do is paint a picture of borderline being not so black and white as most people think, but a spectrum disorder that has its overall focal points but is also unique to each individual, and a picture of a disorder that is strongly colored by cultural perceptions of gender differences, as viewed through my own personal experiences. Gender differences in BPD is a subject that is being researched more and more, but that definitely needs even more attention as I believe that it would come as a big benefit to therapists and patients. What’s more, it might help give a voice to those men out there who are borderline but don’t come out about it or can’t relate all that well. I thus gladly put out the call to let yourself be heard. Lastly I would like to thank Haven for this opportunity. Her blog is a daily source of much needed information, advice and understanding and I can only hope to contribute to that

Confessions of a Male Borderline

I will never forget my own reaction when a psychiatrist first put to me the idea that I might have a Borderline Personality Disorder.  For one I had never thought I might have a disorder at all. For me it was a bit like cancer or AIDS. As soon as you have a little pain in your stomach or something, you don’t immediately think about something as bad as that right? So for years, I simply thought I was an idiot who would make it to thirty-five if I was lucky and would die alone and bleeding somewhere in a gutter. It had never even crossed my mind to do a bit of research on the internet, even though I doubt it would have helped me, it took a serious breakdown two years ago for me to finally accept the idea that there might be something seriously wrong and that I might need help fixing it. Of course I knew about Borderline, but nothing more than what every lay-man would know about it, which is next to nothing. I have known a few borderline girls in my time, and they were all seriously out of whack, invariably great in bed, and we always totally got each other. In hindsight it should have set me thinking… So all I knew was that it was something girls had who always screamed and cried a lot, and that was exactly what I said to the psychiatrist who had spent a grueling hour trying to pries open my brain: how could I have something like that? I hardly scream, I never cry, I only use razorblades for shaving and I definitely love my grilled steaks too much for me to have any kind of eating disorder.

But then again, I was all over the place at the time. My suicidal tendencies had finally gotten the better of me, continuing my studies was out of the question, I was on the brink of a psychotic breakdown and I was already diagnosed with having a dysthymic disorder and a major depression. So I decided over the course of several months, while being in therapy for my depression, that I could either dismiss my therapists as soon as the depression was over (something I had always done up until then), or cut the macho crap and seriously look at the idea of having either borderline or another disorder.

I started out with ADD. According to my psychiatrists I either had ADD, Borderline, a form of autism or a bit of all three. I don’t know how other people out there do it, but for me I usually trust my gut when confronted with something like this. Knowing full well I hate the idea of any diagnosis I knew that I could trust my instincts to guide me in my research without fears of just picking a disorder for the hell of it. Because I prefer not to have any diagnosis at all, to tell you the truth, and I never understood people who go for self-styled, internet induced diagnoses. Either you have something or you don’t (yes I’m very hard-lining and conservative like that). Me being me, I started to read whatever professional literature there was on the subjects that concerned me. While it proved very interesting, the problem is that because professional articles and books notoriously lack personal stories, I could identify with practically anything the DSM has to offer. So I needed personal stories. I swallowed my phobia for that part of the internet that deals with this kind of thing and immediately hit on a goldmine of information. It was insane. I never knew people kept whole blogs, vlogs, and so forth about their lives, their problems, and the way they coped with them. On Youtube I found a mass of people sharing their story in videos they made; there were less good written blogs but stumbling across Haven’s writings satisfied that more than enough. And it wasn’t only fascinating, but there was no self-pity, like, at all! The stories were interesting, constructive, forward-looking, in-depth and powerful. What’s more I could identify with them on a level I never thought possible. It was like a door being opened in my mind, and I finally knew, after years spent wondering what the hell could be wrong with me, that I found that my personal brand of weirdness had a name: Borderline Personality Disorder. By then, the ADD was already out of the equation as the tests I had done were all negative. I probably have some autistic tendencies but I’m not really concerned with those. Testing was quite inconclusive, and I decided to let that rest for the time being.

Borderline. I let it roll of my tongue a few times, as if testing it for inconsistencies, but I knew I had found what I had subconsciously been looking for, for a very long time. It’s such a mixed feeling. On the one hand the relief of knowing it’s something that people know about and might even be fixed, and on the other hand the anguish of having to put up with a label. It’s when I hit my very first wall. Because you see, I happen to be a boy, and not a girl. When I told my psychiatrist about my hunch he responded warily, maybe even with a bit of disbelief. That shook me as he and his colleagues were the ones that put the idea of a possible personality disorder in my head in the first place. My mother dismissed it out of hand, saying she was worrying how “they” would be able to talk this idea out of my head when it was clear I didn’t have it. What’s more, a couple of my friends, both girls, had gone to the psychiatrist with the same symptoms I exhibited and got Borderline slapped on their foreheads and carted off to therapy in the time it takes you to say “personality disorder”. So why was I dismissed like that? Was it truly because I’m male?

It didn’t take me long to realize that there was precious little known about borderline males. I won’t go into a review of the literature, as I know Haven already did that, but the few articles I found were not much to go by. Apparently males have a tendency toward outward aggressiveness, thus being labeled anti-social instead of borderline, a tendency towards substance abuse where females will more quickly develop for example an eating disorder, and on the whole are more liable to be processed through the judicial system while females tend more towards the psychiatric system. That made it difficult to find my bearings (it’s still difficult) as practically everything was written about and through the female perspective. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely relate to the underlying point of view, or the underlying problem, but it’s in the details where I get lost a bit. Also I don’t dismiss any problem, be it a tendency to pick a fights in bars or a tendency for bulimia. They are all severe problems, and even though some of these usually tend to be found in one or the other gender, there are of course overlapping cases. I for example have a male friend with severe eating issues. What I’m trying to say is that when something is written through a certain perspective, it might be difficult for the other sex to relate, even when the underlying issues are the same. But the biggest battle I fight is that apparently I react to some problems in the same way females do, and so I have to overcome my ego and a certain amount of machismo to address these problems and accept that I have them.

      

Borderline personality in males

By Jessika Endsley

Not many people understand what Borderline Personality Disorder is at all. In many circles, a BPD diagnosis is a stamp of “we can’t help you, fuck off” and few psychologists and therapists will spend time actually helping the individual. This is changing with the study of empathy and with a rise in people who actually have BPD due to things I could just fucking go on an on about that are happening to children at an early age in these days. What is more disturbing, to me, is that Borderline Personality Disorder is very much neglected in males. Some things about BPD are culturally “not masculine” such as the hallmark symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder: Fear Of Abandonment. Only pansies are afraid to be left alone. Even in popular cultures, where a male Borderline is blatantly displayed, people cry “Psychopath.” In the most common case I can think of, the modern portrayal of Moriarty.

What isn’t understood by the general public is that Borderline Personality Disorder is in the cluster B of Personality Disorders, also known as “dramatic” cluster, right along with Psychopaths and Narcissists. That’s right. Most Psychopaths are male. What is the common point with the three? Zero Negative Empathy. What can easily lower empathy? Testosterone. So it shouldn’t surprise anyone when the levels of Borderline diagnosis begin leaning towards males. It also doesn’t surprise me that many females Aspies are diagnosed as Borderline before the Aspergers is diagnosed.  Borderline males often have strong narcissism and can present themselves as being very cocky. It is more common in males to make up for an insecurity by becoming the complete opposite, which is the main theme of Narcissistic Personality Disorder other than low empathy. Moriarty is shown as being extremely cocky in the few in-person interactions he has; Psychopaths also do this, but not without an extreme Narcissistic streak (think Bundy) because they don’t feel enough to care. Moriarty cries for attention - the Borderline has low empathy but feels extremely intensely and for longer periods of time than a non-BPD person.

Males behave recklessly – of course, drinking a lot for males is a cultural norm, as is sleeping around and acting out or breaking the law, but its attention seeking the moment one is known to have a vagina. Fantastic, right? Being reckless and acting out is fine as long as you have a penis. Remember, guys you must not need any help if you’re doing these things! But like the female Borderline who will do anything to avoid being abandoned, real or perceived abandonment, the male also behaves erratically and threatens suicide or other extremes to keep someone around longer. A male Borderline will sabotage the relationship/friendship (it’s easier for me to just talk about relationships because I deal with more of those than friendships,) just like the female will in an attempt to do the exact opposite. Borderlines are love addicts, but once the relationship is secured and he has the person safely in his grip, he will acquire rebounds and backups for the impending abandonment. Females do the same. Moriarty displays this in a platonic fashion by going as far to kill himself before being abandoned by his enemy; he abandoned Sherlock by killing himself before Sherlock got a chance to abandon him. Psychopath’s don’t kill themselves. about 10% of Borderlines complete their suicides, which is 50% more often than the general populace.

About Borderlines and their emotions – they feel. They don’t have empathy because they are trapped in their own minds, and when someone feels the initial sting of an emotion longer and more intensely than others. They are stuck on 80% after the emotion has set in rather than going back down to their regular level by emotion regulation. They emotions fire for 20% longer than someone with BPD – I think that could exhaust one enough to not feel empathy. They don’t lack empathy in the systematizing way of the Autistic Spectrum which is why it is dysfunctional and hurts the Borderline themselves. This is where I get to the point that I feel the creators of the modern Sherlock actually looked at BPD and decided to give Moriarty those extreme traits; the most obvious thing he does is display negative empathy and extremely harsh, intense emotions. A psychopath doesn’t stay hurt if they ever even feel hurt. A Borderline is prone to outbursts of anger, no fear of being blown up as long as they go down with who they want to, intense displays of back-thought to their childhood (Daddy’s had enough now! Daddy loves me the best!). Psychopaths function on the idea of self-preserving; Borderlines aren’t afraid to die.

So with that being said, Borderlines are not a lost cause. Will they destroy your life and love then leave you or do something so traumatic that you leave them? Yes. But not always. That isn’t what they want to do underneath everything.  Psychologists need to take the time to have the BPD patient come in frequently for emotion regulation/Dialectical therapy. Recognizing the emotion and practicing to let it go can help the Borderline function better. Will it ever go away fully? No. Personality Disorders, especially those without empathy, stay with the person and act up when things go wrong. Remember, Borderlines are on the same wavelength as Psychopaths and Narcissists, but they are more likely to destroy themselves than to destroy you, no matter how angry they get.

Borderline love from an Aspie. I feel some of your pain but not all of it, because I am too busy analyzing you to focus on your emotions just like you are too busy focusing on your emotions to analyze me.

Are Borderline Males unlovabe? the simple answer is absolutly no., they deserve love and they are loved. In fact they probably will have more loyalty and love in their lifetime than most of us would dream for.
But Borderline males, and borderlines in general in my opinion are worse than sociopaths. Sociopaths fuck up your life and take from others, but then they are done. borderlines fuck up your life and then in one way or another demand your pity for doing so.
I love it- haha they will dump you, abandon you outta fear, then say “Im not good enough” to reel you into the idea that you can make them see. But this is a carrot held in front of your head. they KEEP ON TAKING.
Its like falling in love with a person who has been wearing a blindfold their whole life, who is telling everyone how hard it is being blind. You have sympathy for them, not because they are blind, but because they have lived so long thinking they were blind. But when faced with the intimacy they need to finally let go of the blindfold, they rage, or stonewall, or punish you.
Love isnt magic. its not a movie. When it comes it doesnt instantly save you…but it is powerful in that it can give you the support you need to fix yourself – make your life different than it has been in the past, and let the victim mentality go… A BPD will get this love in their life but piss it away, take it for granted, and keep waiting for something that never comes, so they can stay stuck.
In reality Love is always awesome in the beginning but at some point people in reality know that it becomes a choice. When you agree to progress to the next step, things get harder. like video games. People know they have to make more sacrifices and jump bigger hurdles. To grow up and evolve, because you love someone enough to do so.
- See more at: http://www.borderlineblog.com/are-borderline-males-unlovable.php#sthash.zVB0p2Wq.dpuf

A BPD is completely lovable, and they can love, the only thing getting in the way is them.
Loving a borderline male? Been there with everything i had to give, and blamed for it all.
- See more at: http://www.borderlineblog.com/are-borderline-males-unlovable.php#sthash.zVB0p2Wq.dpuf