Being a borderline feels like eternal hell.
Nothing less. Pain, anger, confusion, never knowing how I’m gonna feel
from one minute to the next. Hurting because I hurt those whom I love.
Feeling misunderstood. Nothing gives me pleasure. Wanting to die but not
being able to kill myself because I’d feel too much guilt for those I’d
hurt, and then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or take an
overdose to make all the feelings go away.
I'M Scared.
I'm having trouble figuring myself out, who I am or what I want to be. I'm trying to make friends and keep them and have something more than what I know I'm not happy with now. I'm very depressed, I'm confused, I'm unable to see the positive side of things. It's scaring me because it just happened out of the blue and I'm not sure why or how. I've been trying to push through this like I usually do but it seems to be getting harder and harder. I talked to my grandmother, I've talked to my psychiatrist and I've tried talking to other people as well... But this time nothing is working. This time it's way worse, way way worse, I am tired and weak and slow and I'm having trouble feeling anything but a sense of emptiness and a lack of happiness. I've just been noticing these small details in everything that I see or hear, every little detail has some significance but I feel that maybe that's not the way it's meant to be. I also feel that when I try to explain to people what's going on I can't word it right, because they all keep saying "what do you mean?"...I really don't know anymore, I'm worried. I had basically pushed a lot of people away, told them I'm going through something and that I don't want to drag them into the situation, I just don't want to hurt people.I am going through the same thing, I'm very confused, and scared, I feel like I have lost touch with reality alittle bit, cause I don't know who I am or what I want out of life, and everyone I talk to I try to have a relationship, but start making excuses, and end up pushing them away, cause I am scared to get hurt and don't trust. It is hard living with this disorder, I haven't found away to manage or cope with it yet. You are not alone.
Iyric, I totally understand you...I got diagnosed with Bipolar type 2, BPD and PTSD a little over a month ago. I feel at times that I'm all alone in the middle of the ocean about to drown. I try to explain how I feel to my husband, and I also feel that i can't word it right. I feel weak, stressed and frustrated with myself..
Only the strong survive in this world. Use that as a motivator to keep pushing forward. I know you have inner strength but life has just beaten you down. Just keep getting back up girl :)
Right now I feel completely lost, like I'm detached from the world and there is no one who understands me. I don't even try to explain how I'm feeling to family because I feel it would push me even further away from them. They couldn't even begin to understand. Like you, I'm scared. More scared than I've ever been. I don't see how anything can ever get better for me and I just want to give up and die. But I don't. I just keep taking deep breaths, putting one foot in front of the other and hope that if I do all the right things (meds, sleep, eating, therapy) then one day things will be brighter. You are not alone. I know you must feel that way because I do. I feel more alone than ever, but if there's one thing I know it's that I can't trust my feelings just now. They are just feelings though and they will change. I hope.
youre not alone i feel what you feel its so frustrating :/
people think its just a matter of "getting over "
it's not that simple
Depression can be debilatating and very isolating. I know during the wintertime I am much more depressed. And if you are on meds, quite possibly they are hurting more than helping.
I have found psychiatrists to be very obtuse, for the most part. After my bpd diagnosis I found it much more helpful and comforting to speak w a licensed therapist.
The disorder typically gets better w age and lots of hard work. Trying yo be honest and taking other people's feelings into account is key. Plus make sure to maintain a good, nutrient dense diet, get plenty of exercise and sleep. I promise that these things DO help. Did you know that fast foods and trans fats have been linked to depression? Foods high in omegs 3s, like certain nuts and fish can help moods too.
I completely understand how you feel. You seem like a hard worker, don't give up.
I think it is important to keep in mind that life has its ups and downs and to remind yourself that the downs will pass, and the ups are to be treasured.
It helped me to become friends with myself, and to remember that I am not supposed to be perfect.
I wish you all the best, it is a journey.
have you tried keeping your self busy like change scenery's , go to a comedy show or do something that you always what to do , like hiking or fish or maybe take on new challenge , i sorta felt like what you did at one point. pushing all my friend away staying distance , not sure what i wanna do with my live , felt hopeless and just no motivation until one morning i just sat in my room and pretty much did nothing , so what i did was i took a note book and write all the thing i can do in life and see what thing i can't do and just set a goal , maybe that what you need just set a goal and keep reaching for it, in the long run at least you can say i did it , for me i did snowboarding i suck at it but in the end i had a blast of fun
I agree with you. It is indeed “DAMAGED GOODS”. I’ve had bpd all my life and don’t see any light of me having a normal life. I’m 25 and I’ve been mentally and emotionally dead as far as I can think.
BPD is most often seen in people who were neglected in some way in childhood. They weren't shown love the way most children are, and want it even more as they get older. Basically, they need constant proof that they are good people too, and that they deserve love.
That being said, it can also appear in people who had perfectly normal childhoods. Sometimes it's caused by circumstances, sometimes you just have terrible self esteem. It can be worked around and treated. Everybody wants proof of being worthy and deserving of love- BPD is just excessive feelings like that.
As a borderline personality disorder sufferer myself I want you to know that we are not manipulative. We are desperate.
We don’t know how to live with others, how to
have friends and get our needs met the normal way. We simply are
ignorant in this respect.
If you read Freud’s classic works he points
out that intense affect brings about “abaissement de niveau mentale”
which means it clouds judgement to the point of insanity. Our
uncontrollable and horrible emotions deprive us of ability to think and
control our behaviour. Our behaviours are not meant to harm, at least
not mine. Rather they are an expression of desperation.
We do not manipulate by cutting ourselves. We
cut because pain of being borderline is so intense and so unbearable
that the little kick of endogenous endorphins in reaction to acute
physical pain is the only thing that brings relief from this horrific
mental pain. How bad would you have to feel to want to kill yourself? We
feel like it most of the time.
Please understand. Having a borderline personality disorder means suffering which I can only compare to terminal cancer.
If you saw a cancer patient howling with pain
you would have compassion. The world does not have compassion toward
us, even though we howl with pain, because our effort to escape
unbearable pain cause behaviours which antagonize people.
Please believe me, if our pain went away we
would not do any of the ‘bad’ things that the world finds inappropriate
or harmful. We commit suicide because our pain is sometimes simply
impossible to bear.
Please believe me, the depression
and dysphoria of BPD is the most horrible feeling. Sometimes I prefer I
had cancer instead. At least then the whole world would not blame me
for desperate efforts to blunt the pain brought about by my biological
vulnerability and abuse I suffered as a child.
Pain is the core and the essence of borderline personality disorder.
BPD behaviours are nothing but inefficient
ways to escape the pain. It is a vicious circle because these behaviours
bring even more pain.
Pain distorts reality and results in what
traditionally was called “borderline” psychosis. It is not true that we
are not psychotic when symptomatic. Our perception of reality is so
distorted by intense affect we do not think straight. Only after
recovery do we realize how we were wrong and how our perceptions were
distorted by the illness.
When symptomatic, a Borderline is in living hell, surrounded by perceived universal hostility.
I wish you all the best in your efforts to
help alleviate this horrible condition and damage it brings both to the
sufferers and those who have to deal with them.
Today I feel like I'm in the gray area. Not in a healthy way, but just somehow ended up here on accident. I don't have any strong hateful feelings, and I certainly don't have any lovely elation/happy feelings either. I just kind of feel "blah" and disconnected.
I can say this though - I feel as if I'm avoiding eye contact and customers today. I feel like isolating, and do not feel like being part of the "team" today.
Is this what normal people feel like on a daily basis? Blah? I mean, minus the avoident features of today's mood.
You sound like me.
I used to ask my mom that a lot. As it turns out, normal people often feel "nothing," actually. It's uncomfortable for people accustomed to feeling things in extremes. You get used to it over time.
Took me a good year to get used to it, but it gets easier.
It almost makes me feel... complascent. Like I'm now searching for a mood, or something.
How weird. Oh well. I guess it is better than going from 0 to 60 happy to crazy.
It still sometimes weirds me out...
I' settle for sad sometimes... jsut to have an emotion, but you get used to it.
I'm experiencing this too... the "blah" or empty feeling of not being onto something, feeling something, really focused on something, etc. It's like I "lose myself in what I'm doing" so that I can stave off the feelings of emptiness. If I can chain these moments together, and I have for a stretch of a day or two, I almost feel like happy and real.
Feelings still override everything else in my experience, especially strong ones. Wish I could just go in for a brain transplant! Keep my intelligence tho
If I float in the nothing feeling too long I start to disassociate, which is terribly uncomfortable.
It scares me when that happens... which at least is feeling something, but I don't like it.
Nothingness can swallow me whole... My doctor and my mom say that it will continue to be easier, but I don't like it... feeling nothing feels wrong and so empty... and empty is like being in a tunnel.If I float in the nothing feeling too long I start to disassociate, which is terribly uncomfortable.
It scares me when that happens... which at least is feeling something, but I don't like it.
Nothingness can swallow me whole... My doctor and my mom say that it will continue to be easier, but I don't like it... feeling nothing feels wrong and so empty... and empty is like being in a tunnel.
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