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How can I support someone with BPD?

Being close to someone with BPD is never going to be easy.  There will be times when you feel emotionally exhausted, so here as some strategies to help you and the person suffering.

Do not constantly repeat yourself when a sufferer asks for reassurance.  But also do provide some kind of way to help the sufferer to feel secure.  For example, develop some simple ways that don’t take too much thinking of.  Say something once; when the sufferer wants you to reassure them, you could simply say “remember what I said.”  This way you are providing the safety they need but without having to repeat constantly what you said in the first place.  It can be more stressful to keep repeating yourself, and if you change your wording then it could result in making the situation worse.

If you want to say something of deep emotion to someone with BPD then think it through carefully.  For example, if you want to say “I love you,” take the time to think whether you really mean it before saying it.  You must be consistent with your feelings towards a BPD sufferer.

Express your feelings in a constructive way.  If you feel upset with the sufferer’s behaviour, then don’t be afraid to tell them.  Remove yourself from the situation and then later tell them in a calm manner how you feel.  Give them the chance to explain themselves as what they could be feeling may not be what you have perceived.  Often people with BPD are completely misunderstood.

If the sufferer is becoming very distressed then at times it may be better to leave the situation until they calm down.  This isn't always the case, if what is stressing them is nothing you have done then it maybe worth talking with them and helping them over come the black and white thinking.

Give yourself time to relax alone.  It’s very important to have some time to reflect and to think of yourself, other friends or family.

Communication is very important.  Do not leave anything unsaid, as this can lead to misconceptions on the sufferer’s part.  Set aside some time to spend with the sufferer to talk in-depth.  Try to understand their feelings and remember they could feel misunderstood.

Always be willing to compromise.  This can make everyone around satisfied in some way but do not give in completely.  If you don't want to do something, then don't but find a way to compromise in some way.  If you give in to the sufferers demand then it could lead to unwanted situations and emotions, such as resentment on your part.  But remember, if the sufferer is upset, they are not trying to manipulate you, it's just they are feeling hurt and they need to express that.

Be consistent as much as possible.  Do not change your general behaviour or attitude towards the sufferer unless it's in a positive way.  It is easier said then done, and can at times be unavoidable.

Most importantly, remember this person may have these emotional problems but they are still a warm human being.  They have interests, hobbies, and their own personality.  It's just they can be hurt much easier then most people.  They can still love and be a good friend.

BPD misconceptions

Often people with BPD are misunderstood as attention seeking and manipulative.  This is not the case at all.  Every emotion someone with BPD displays is very real.  If they cry, they are hurting and not looking for pity.  If they need constant reassurance then it’s because they are genuinely afraid.

Many non-sufferers think someone with BPD can simply control their emotions.  But in reality it is not that easy, it takes much therapy and support from health professionals as well as friends and family.

Some people think sufferers need tough love.  Actually this is very damaging for someone with BPD as it can be perceived as rejection.

People can think it's better not to get close to someone with BPD.  This is not the case, people with BPD are human, they have the same needs as everyone else.  It can just be more challenging with them but it is certainly worth it because you could end up with a very loving person in your life.

Friends and relatives can sometimes think their loved one is self centred.  This is not true, if anything at times it can be the other way around.  They are just afraid and express that.  They still care about you and don't always realise it they are causing you stress, as at the time of their emotional upset they can't see anything else.

What is it like to have BPD?

Many things someone with BPD feels are not abnormal they are just far more extreme.
Self Loathing and Rejection

You know those days when you look in the mirror and think, “God I’m ugly?”  Everyone has it at some point but a BPD sufferer has it most of the time.  If you get the impression someone dislikes you, it gets worse.  You think to yourself, “I can see why they don’t like me; I’m ugly and an awful person.”  The trouble is, someone with BPD thinks that a lot of people dislike them.  In fact they scan everyone for a sign of rejection
Everything is scanned for rejection, even down to tiny words used.  When someone with BPD is rejected or feels as if they are, they will think "that is my fault, I am an awful person."  It can even get to a point, that at times, the sufferer hates the sound of their own voice and can't stand looking at them self in the mirror.


Abandonment

Has someone you love died?  Has a relationship broken down?  Most people can say they have experienced either or both of these.  So imagine the build-up to either of these events.  The fear and the pain you feel.  Now imagine you felt that pain about the majority of people in your life, people who are not dying or leaving you.  Well for someone with BPD that is what it’s like.  They sit and worry about all the possibilities of what may make a person leave them, in the end they become convinced it will happen and dread it.  What they could fear may be an inevitable event (such as death) that may not happen for an extremely long time, or, what they fear might not be something that is going to happen at all.  The constant worry of losing someone can become a vicious cycle for a sufferer, as they may fear that their own behaviour will push a person away, which of course leads to self-loathing.  If someone does leave the life of someone with BPD it will take the sufferer months to recover from the loss and can trigger severe depression.

Loneliness and Lack of Self Worth 

Many people with BPD are isolated from conventional family or friendship situations.  As many people around them do not know how to cope with the sufferers behaviour, they tend to withdraw from their friend or relative.  This leads the person with BPD to feel lonely and worthless.  They already have a very low self-esteem and this makes it worse.  People with BPD are like anyone else, they want to feel loved, but in their case it is more extreme.  Left alone for too long and they believe nobody wants them.  This is mainly caused by rejection at a young age, it is learnt behaviour.  The self-loathing and fear of abandonment also causes loneliness.

Identity Crisis

Remember when you left school?  Many of you didn't quite know who you were or what you wanted to be.  Well people with BPD suffer from this often.  Some sufferers also have issues with their sexuality which can be very distressing, cause more feelings of isolation and loneliness.  Often someone with BPD rely on other people to feel they know them self, but then become frustrated because they become misunderstood by others.  Commonly someone with BPD will change their character to try and make someone else like them.

Depression, Self Harm and Suicide

Everyone goes through periods where they feel down or depressed.  But for a BPD sufferer it is like that very much of the time.  Also severe depression will flood them from time to time.   How often do you wish you were not alive any more?  Maybe once in your life but most likely it hasn’t ever crossed your mind.  A majority of people with BPD think about it very regularly.  In fact for a BPD sufferer it becomes normal and it can be quite a surprise to them when someone tells them they never think of it. 

Have you ever been in so much emotional pain that you’d do anything to relieve it?  Trying to counter act the emotional pain with physical pain is logical if you think about.  It’s like tooth ache, you’d do anything to relieve it.  So one of the reasons a sufferer self-harms if to get some relief.  Another cause for self-harm in a BPD sufferer is self-loathing, they feel so bad about themselves that they feel they need to be punished.  Self-harm is not always a sign of a suicide attempt, it’s just a reflection of how the person is feeling on the inside. 

Threats of suicide are common among people with BPD, and it’s also not uncommon for them to make an attempt at ending their life.  Life with Borderline Personality Disorder is ten times harder than for a non-sufferer. Imagine how the constant fear and pain must be.  Suicide threats are like a safety net, “If I really can’t stand my pain any more, then I can escape,” makes sense doesn’t?  If you walked through a bed of stinging nettles you would think of trying to get yourself out wouldn’t you?

Black and White Thinking

Have you ever suffered from black and white thinking?  Most do to a certain degree, for example some people often don’t like cats because they find them selfish, too independent and moody.  But in reality every cat is unique just like humans.  That is a common case of black and white thinking.  So now imagine you thought like that over a lot of things, like someone with BPD does.  If someone with blond hair is unpleasant, then everyone with blond hair is the same.  In cases it can lead to transference of feelings towards unrelated people, animals or objects.  Transference is not something only someone with BPD suffers from but everyone.  But like everything else, for a person with BPD it’s a lot worse.  Transference is very dangerous and most often leads to unwanted situations.

Split Thinking

Have you ever had a major argument with a loved one?  You feel almost like you hate them at that moment.  This is how someone with BPD can feel towards you over a minor argument or a disappointment.  If they love you then it is very likely they will feel like they hate you, when you have let them down.  This feeling of hate is empty and will not last long.  It's rarely in the middle, someone with BPD is more likely to say "I hate you" then "I am very disappointed with you."  Someone they love has the power to hurt them more then anybody and of course the sufferer knows this, so they feel extremely angry when hurt by that person.  You could almost interoperate the "I hate you" in to "I love you, but you have hurt me so badly right now."  But remember BPD does NOT make a person love you, that comes from the heart.

Anger

Have you ever been in a real rage?  Things have got on top of you so much, that you have just exploded.  Well this is how someone with BPD feels when angry.  They will scream, shout, and physically display their anger.  It is not easy to hold back the anger as their whole body can feel the rage, they have the desire that is so strong to display how they feel.  Trouble is these angry spells lead to depression, self-loathing, fear of abandonment and self harm.

Psychosis

Have you ever felt out of control?  Maybe you have felt like you are in a tunnel, no fear or thought of safety for yourself or other.  Detachment from reality, at times, can be how be how someone with BPD feels.  Often they suffer from intrusive thoughts or hear voices.  The only way to describe how it feels to have intrusive thoughts or hear voices is, imagine someone is with you 24 hours a day, imagine this person is saying things like "hurt yourself," or "the devil is following you, he will take people away from you."  Often the thoughts or voices will play on the sufferers insecurities.  Some people have other hallucinations or believe they have super powers.  Commonly people with BPD only have mild psychosis but occasionally some sufferers have more severe psychosis.  Mostly they only have psychotic episodes induced by stress.  Think about it, if you go to a party and everyone around you is drunk, and you do not like it, you would remove yourself from the situation, right?  In the BPD sufferers situation, the brain is removing it's self from the problem which is the persons thinking and thoughts.

Withdrawal from Others

Many people with BPD have times when they withdraw from the world.  They stop working and socialising.  If you were hurt by something you would try and avoid letting it happen again, wouldn't you?  So this can be why someone with BPD may become distant and unresponsive to friends and family.  In most cases this withdrawal doesn't last for more then a few days, weeks or months, but in some sufferers it can last much longer.  When withdrawn the sufferer will feel depressed and isolated.

Words of encouragement for sufferers

You are cared for.  You may not know me but I care about you.  I started this site because I care and want to support you.

People who don't stay in your life because of your emotions are not worth crying over.  You may love them but the feeling wasn't mutual.  It is their lose and their failure not yours.  You may have troubles emotionally but I know there is good in you too, they were just too blind to see it.  A special person will come one day, trust me.

True love is the best form.  There is no point wanting someone to do something that isn't in their heart.  Let a person fly, if they come back, then you know they are for real.

Life is worth living because love and success is an amazing feeling.  It is worth going through all the hurt for.

Think of all the things that make you a great person.  They may be small things like the fact you feed your pet and take them to the vet or maybe you make people laugh.  It is best to focus on the small things they build up the bigger picture.

Whatever has happened today you cannot change.  So don't sit and worry about something you are powerless to do anything about.  Tomorrow is a new day.