If you are not suffering from BPD, then somebody you know you know may be suffering. Perhaps they need some help; perhaps they need someone to understand their predicament, perhaps they need someone to stop them when it all gets too much and (in my girlfriend's words) they are ready to do “something silly.”
Regardless of this, I shall impart my experiences and my thoughts. To say that this relationship has been a roller coaster would be an understatement. There have been times where I have been so infatuated and so blissfully happy that I felt like running away or moving abroad with her. We spoke of the perfect wedding, of names for our children--we dared to dream.
In stark contrast to these feelings were the times when the relationship was down--not just the low that you get from forgetting someone's birthday. There are times it has plummeted to the depths whereby we were both ready to give up. There was anger in our voices and hatred in our eyes. Our love had ripped from us and replaced with a nihilistic urge to just say “screw it” to everything and walk away. There would be no looking back. Why would there be?
These low points are when we are making each other's lives a living hell. I must be honest here, I am not the calmest and most understanding of people, I try to be, but I am only human. I have my faults. But these seem to be amplified by the relationship and the situations we find ourselves in. Although my girlfriend's BPD is not the cause of all our troubles---Lord knows I have made my share of mistakes--I do believe it is a hugely significant factor.
I don't think my girlfriend will mind me saying this, but recently there have been far more downs than ups. These last few months I don't think we have gone more than two days without arguing. She has threatened to break up with me at least three times, and I have contemplated doing the same to her once or twice.
In what shouldn't be taken as too serious an analogy, I see my relationship as similar to a story I have heard about a person whose parent has dementia. Sometimes they look into their parent's eyes and they see a spark. A flicker of joy and recognition. The person they know and love is still there, somewhere, deep down inside. Those moments are what the person longs for.
Sometimes among the arguments, the fits of anger and rage, the distrust, the paranoia, the mood swings, it seems like my girlfriend is a completely different person. I find myself asking, "Where has the girl I fell in love with gone? Throughout the bad phases I see a flicker of the old her. The person I remember months ago. The person I fell for.
I know sometimes she feels utterly useless. But I try to see the light. The memory of the fantastic times we have had; the knowledge that she loves me unquestionably and the hope that one day she will get over this and be happy and “normal.” I honestly believe she can overcome this.
I feel I must try to understand. I must try to be patient and supportive. But there have been times when it has all been a bit too much for me, when I am fed up of being used as a punchbag (not literally), where I think to myself that I would be better and happier on my own. I would be lying if I said these thoughts never crossed my mind.
It's hard being in a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD. But it is nowhere near as hard as being the one with BPD. My girlfriend is not a burden, her BPD is. Our relationship is a molehill compared to the mountain of a struggle she has to go through to try to overcome her condition. We have shed may tears together, and I would be lying if I didn't say that I am quite emotional right now.
My girlfriend just came home. I read this to her and we both cried.
BPD 5 Stages of Letting Go of a Relationship with an Emotionally Abusive Woman
Article by by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Many of my readers have expressed how difficult it is for them to let go of their relationships with emotionally abusive, Borderline and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder wives and girlfriends. Several men who were involved with these women refer to them as “monsters.” One man in particular (Run4TheHills) writes that he prays to get cancer everyday because his marriage is so bad. It goes to show how terrifying these women can be when the prospect of a terminal illness is more appealing than another 15 years of marriage or a cutthroat divorce process.
There seems to be two categories men with BPD/NPD exes fall into:
- Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty I am free at last! These men are able to recognize that their relationship wasn’t based on love, but upon control tactics (fear, shame, guilt), unmet emotional needs, dysfunctional dependency and projection. Once they work through any lingering trust issues and why they were attracted to this kind of woman, they’ll move on and be just fine.
- Just can’t get enough of your “love,” babe. These men appear to have bought into the lies their exes told them, such as: “No one will ever love you as much as me.” “You’ll never find anyone as wonderful as me.” “You’re crazy if you think anyone else would want you.” “You don’t know how lucky you are that I put up with you.” “You owe me after I sacrificed everything for you.” They swallow these lies hook, line and sinker and pair them with a handful of good memories. The result is a powerful, distorted belief, which keeps them from moving on and makes it difficult to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone new.
It takes time to grieve the loss of a significant relationship. No matter how awful your ex is, you still need to mourn the loss. This may be confusing because ending a relationship with an abuser should ultimately feel like an act of liberation, but for many, it’s also experienced as a loss. Not the loss of the “monster” she is in reality, but the loss of the ideal, fantasy image you constructed in your head and the relationship you wished you could’ve had with her. This fantasy image of the great sex and fleeting moments of sanity is not her true self; the abusive bully is her true self. The woman and the relationship you love and miss exist solely in the Land of If Only.
In other words, “if only she weren’t so crazy…” “If only she weren’t so cruel…” “If only she wasn’t such a liar…” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed the five stages of grief (On Death and Dying, 1969) to explain how people “deal with grief and tragedy, especially when diagnosed with a terminal illness or catastrophic loss.” You have to go through this process in order to get through it, let go and move on. The five stages include:
1. Denial. You were in denial when you were with her and whenever you consider getting back together with her. When you catch yourself thinking, “She’s not that bad. She really does love me. I’m not perfect either…” you’re diving headlong into an ocean of denial. She is that bad. She doesn’t love you. She’s not capable of loving you or anyone else because deep down she loathes herself. She views you as an object to control and to bolster her false image. To BPD/NPD women, people are props to use in their distorted, twisted fantasy world in which they’re special, entitled, above reproach and not subject to the rules of civility and decency most of us abide by.
If you think you can help the NPD/BPD woman to see the truth about herself, the way she treats you and the relationship in order to get her to change; you’re also in denial. Even when this woman is hurling the most abusive bile at you, in her mind, she believes she’s being magnanimous for pointing out the error of your ways, so you can improve yourself and be the kind of man she “deserves.” You should be grateful she takes time from her “busy” schedule to criticize, abuse and condescend to you.
2. Anger. This is a good stage. Hold onto it for awhile. It’s what keeps you from going back. Try not to get stuck here, however. Feel the anger and then let it go. This is when you’re aware of how badly she’s treated you. You’re angry with her for treating you the way she did and angry with yourself for putting up with it. It’s natural to feel anger when someone is deliberately cruel, dishonest or treats you unfairly. You had to stuff your anger when you were with her because expressing it would’ve led to more conflict and nastiness. You have a right to feel angry. Just express it in a productive manner (i.e., don’t hurt yourself or others), create boundaries for yourself and channel the energy into something healthy like sports, exercise or a project.
3. Bargaining. This stage has a little bit of denial mixed in with it. You deny the reality of the situation (or the severity of it) and make deals with yourself. For example, “She said she’s really sorry and that it’ll be different if we get back together. I’ll give her one more chance and if she starts acting crazy again, I’m out of there.” “Maybe if I’m a little more patient and am very careful and avoid pushing her buttons, it can work.” Or this old chestnut, “I’m just going to have sex with her, but not get emotionally involved.”
You can’t bargain with someone to treat you well. Being treated with kindness, common decency, consideration, respect and acceptance should be a prerequisite for an intimate relationship; not something you’re rewarded with for meeting one of her unreasonable demands or if she’s trying to manipulate you into doing or buying something for her. Either she’s capable of a reciprocal relationship or she’s not. It doesn’t matter what you do or how nice, patient and understanding you are with her. She is what she is; a controlling, cruel, abusive, emotional predator and bully. You can’t appease a bully or persuade them to be nice to you. If you do, she’ll see you as weak and bulldoze you all the more.
4. Depression. This is when it sinks in there’s no going back to this woman and that the woman you loved never existed. You mourn the loss of time and the abuse you tolerated. You direct the anger at yourself and feel stupid for being with her and fear getting into another relationship, lest you become involved with another woman just like her.
Like the Anger stage, you don’t want to get stuck here either. Feeling sadness over this relationship is natural, but don’t let your experience with this woman distort how you view all relationships. Not all women are like her and, if you can feel the painful and difficult feelings that ending this relationship brings up, you’ll get through it.
5. Acceptance. While you’re not ok with what happened, you accept the reality of who this woman is and chalk it up to a learning experience. You’ve let go of the anger and sadness and are ready to move on in your life. You may always feel a little pang when you think of this woman, like when a combat veteran remembers some wartime atrocity, but it won’t control you anymore. Eventually, that little pang will turn into a “What was I thinking?” attitude when you remember this woman, followed quickly by murmuring to yourself, “nutjob.”
These five stages aren’t always a lock-step, linear process. You may bounce back between a few of the stages and cycle through them a few times before you reach acceptance. You can expedite grieving for and healing form this relationship if you:
- Maintain a strict NO CONTACT policy.
- Disabuse yourself of the notion that you can “be friends” with your ex (“being friends” translates to “not ready to let go”).
- Understand why you were attracted to this woman and resolve these issues.
- Focus on taking care of yourself, reconnecting with who you are and rediscovering what makes you happy.
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