Love is a Battlefield - How do Borderlines fight?

In line with this unintentional relationship theme a Reader mentioned that it seems Borderlines have two patterns:

1) Leave suddenly, altogether, final, game the hell over.

2) Leave and come back constantly.

"With my borderline, it's #2 and I like to think its cause she is attached and can't/doesn't want to leave. The first time though, I thought and reacted like it was #1 because the experience was so emotional and in my world it meant game over. Not to her. Now I see her pattern as her way to regulate her feelings. Close, closer, love....BAM you are bad, bad, bad to reduce the feelings to a manageable place. Then repeat."

What do you see as underlying this difference?

I agree that these do seem to be the overarching patterns with BPD. I have certainly been encompassed by both at varying times. 

I think some of it has to do with whether a person with BPD is more prone to Acting In or Acting Out. When I was younger I Acted Out much more often and had less control over my impulsive behaviors. As a result I would end RELATIONSHIPS quickly, break things off, stop speaking to people, then freak out that they were gone and work to pull them back into my life. Even if the reason I broke it off was extremely justified, like an ex cheating on me. I could be furious, and I mean RAGING homicidally furious, but when the anger cooled, I’d miss them, they’d weasel their way back in and I was powerless to prevent my feelings from resurfacing. The result of this was often to hurt us both. Sometimes the hurt I inflicted on people was unintentional. I was just so wounded by whatever happened I lashed out. Other times when I felt justifiably angry, I Acted Out against them, and on purpose. They hurt me, they deserved to know it, and to feel it too.

As I got older I worked to gain more control over myself. I think I did too good of a job though. Now I have almost completely flipped to only ACTING In (which is not necessarily any better and not actually healthy either), so instead of acting on my impulsive inclinations I hold them in and let them bottle up until they pop. As we know this doesn’t make things better. This just prevents the ability to release the hurt and work on the problem. The other person may only be hurt once in the end, but the pain inflicted on myself is orders of magnitude greater than it probably would have been if I’d  blown off some steam as it began to build up.

Actions present as extremes. All in or all out. All or nothing. It’s finding that middle ground, a balance, that grey area where we believe we can express ourselves in an honest way in a safe environment that is so hard. 

Whether it's displayed as either the first or the second there's always that push-pullgoing on. In BOTH cases they’re attached and can’t/don’t want to leave. However, in the first case the push-pull is silent. You may not see it, because it’s suppressed to an internal struggle, but it’s probably still happening. It's what I've gone through with Friend and Tech Boy most recently. I get upset, push away, but it's an internal process and I withhold my impulsive inclination to act on it. Things will be going great, until something happens, then they'll be terrible, horrible, and bad, but I don't say anything. I’ll WANT desperately to leave and never see them again, but instead I just hold it all in, storing it up. Then if our next interaction is better, it kind of ‘corrects’ the negative feelings I had previously. Until the next “bad” incident. 

It's almost better to have many episodes of expressed push-pull because you could actually deal with problems as they blow up and there's a chance to get back together or work things out. When you hold everything in until it's too late to deal with, until the resentment has festered into a gaping emotional wound, all that’s left is to amputate the cause, there's no going back and the relationship has to be severed. 

A lot of it comes from fear. Fear of being vulnerable, fear of rejection, fear that you will not love them the way that that they love you. So when they become closer, realize they are creeping into a more vulnerable place, they rail against the vulnerability to keep themselves safe. It doesn't actually work though. It still hurts like hell, which is why someone with BPD will pull back and return to the person they care about. 

Then there’s the problem of how close do we want to let someone. There’s this weighing in our mind about whether someone is likely to hurt us or not. Whether someone should be allowed the chance. Are they are worth the investment and potential pain? Even if the answer is ‘yes’ - sometimes especially if the answer is ‘yes’ - it’s more of a reason to push someone away. We see the danger from the start and have to decide if we want to put ourselves in that position. So often we try not to let ourselves get to close from the get go and cut things off completely before they have a chance to develop into something real, something intimate, something scary. This is often what happens when you first start getting to know someone with BPD. They’re around, they’re great, things seem cool, and then they drop off the face of the Earth.

Relationships, aren’t easy. The reasons for our behaviors that go on in our heads  may not make any sense to you. Hell, they may not make any sense to us. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about these things. In the moment though, all you feel is hurt, ANGER, pain, suffering, and that sensation is the driving force for the unconscious decision to act or not. These things aren’t generally a calculated maneuver. They’re an overwhelming feeling that we can’t control. When it feels like your world hinges on the last upsetting interaction you’ve had with someone, keeping yourself composed isn’t a consideration.

When the zombie apocalypse happens, you don’t take a step back and consider the implications of running for your life. You just do it

 

  love the zombie apocalypse analogy, but then again, coming from us, I think that's pretty self explanatory.

I'm fascinated by this, and I think this is worth exploring. What I would like to know is, do you think a BPD can ever find true happiness in a relationship? Perhaps a dickish sounding question, but I don't mean it in a cruel way. I only mean it in that, if they're prone to pushing others away and don't like being vulnerable, is the only way for them to find happiness to overcome these obstacles, or is there another way to happiness? If not, it sounds (at least to me) that the routine pushing away always leads to the other person getting frustrated and giving up. 

I'll admit, I dated a girl like this, and after years of being pushed away and her wanting 'out' only to come back, I finally said fuck it, I'm going to find someone that wants to fully commit to me who won't stress me out constantly, and moved on. And now I'm happily married to a woman who has no interest in running or pulling back, and I don't regret it at all

I'm crying as I read this because it is an endless cycle of hurt, isn't it? Everytime you think you have healed and everything is going to be alright, it happens again. rinse and repeat and we can't even blame people who have left us because we are the one who push them away.

The question above is interesting. Will we ever find true happiness in relationship? My answer is no, but tell us about what do you think.

My therapist prescribed seroquel for me but I don't take it because I feel that it is changing me and I'm afraid. My symptoms are my personalities. Take that away from me and I have nothing. I'm afraid that I won't be myself anymore 

 

My former bpd does both. Game over, I hate you I never want to talk to you again. Until 2 years later haha.

I wish I had the name for what was wrong during our relationship. After going through it and reading so many posts here, my heart breaks for you all who suffer with this. 

My world had been turned upside down again by someone with bpd, and while I hurt, knowing she will hurt her whole life breaks my heart deeply. I wish you all the best

 

"Whether it's displayed as either the first or the second there's always that push-pull going on. In BOTH cases they’re attached and can’t/don’t want to leave. However, in the first case the push-pull is silent."

This is veeeeeeeeeery helpful. I was wondering if I had been split black, and there was no hope for reestablishing a connection. But it seems what you're saying is that she is still attached. Just silently. Thanks!