One of the {many} things that is confusing about some of us
with BPD is that we have these intense fears of abandonment and of being alone,
yet we still need time to ourselves without company. Frankly I think this is
human nature. While some people with BPD do have a more co-dependent need for
100% human contact… many of us still have fairly normal levels of needing to be
with someone while needing to balance that with needing time to ourselves.
Sometimes people hear “fear of abandonment” or “hates to be
left alone” with BPD and automatically assume that the best way to alleviate
this is to constantly be physically present. To literally never abandon them or
leave them alone. I can see the thought process there, but that’s not really
the problem. The problem is not having an internalized sense that the other
person is emotionally connected and being able to hold onto that feeling. It’s
psychological. What we really need to is develop a proper sense that
relationships extend even when they’re out of sight. That’s actually not easy
to verbalise, or even to realize. Which is probably why we can always want to
have someone around, but simultaneously go a little batty when they’re always
around and doing things for us, near us, or around us.
It can be very difficult to reconcile the feeling of needing
constant reassurance and availability on the part of our partner, but also
recognizing that when they’re always their it can be irritating, maybe a little
claustrophobic, or even completely suffocating. They don’t even necessarily
need to be doing anything to cause this sensation, but having too much contact,
even with BPD can be a bad thing.
Talk about ambivalence.
It’s important to work towards a balanced relationship, not
to just try to alleviate the obvious symptoms. Many, maybe most, of us don’t
know how to really be close to someone because we never learned. We were never
taught. So we can reach for something, think we want something, but not be
prepared for how it feels, or doesn’t. We can know we don’t want to be alone,
so naturally it seems we should always have someone around… but the problem isn’t
really being alone, it’s not having a healthy sense of attachment and
constancy. So that constant attention, even if we/they think it’s what we need,
it can suddenly seem smothering! Instead of literally, always being 100%
present (which really is unreasonable for most people), it’s important to
develop a relationship of communication and trust. We should try to develop a
psychological & emotional attachment that is 100% present, not necessarily
a physical one where we don’t give each other any space.
For me, there are a few different scenarios that can make me
feel smothered. Especially in a new relationship.
If someone comes on too strong, too fast it’s often like
sensory overload. When someone wants to spend all of their time with you and
see you constantly, it’s a lot of pressure and can even feel controlling. You
no longer have time to do the things you need to do, or want to do, that
require time to yourself.
Sometimes it can be about control. If someone always tries
to plan, or pay, or take charge, it gives me nothing to do. It can feel
controlling, or like I’m being controlled, even if that’s not the intention. If
you’re like me, you’ve felt out of control, or like you’ve had too little
control over the things in your life. Not having a say with someone that comes
on too strong, can feel like walls closing in.
It can often seem like if we’re not getting enough
attention, our partner doesn’t love us. But on the other hand if they give us
all their time, shower us with gifts, want to do all of these cute things for
us, it can feel smothering. Lose-lose. I’m not very good at people showering me
with gifts or doing things for me. I’m the type of person that has to do
everything for everyone else so I feel useful, like I have a purpose to them so
I can rationalize why they would want me in their life. I don’t believe someone
could really want me around if I didn’t “bring something to the relationship”.
Whatever that relationship may be. So when people shower me with tokens of
their affection, want to do things for me, it makes me a little uncomfortable.
It’s like they’re doing my role. They might not need me if they are capable of
doing all of these things for me, and therefore for themselves.
There can also be an intense amount of pressure that comes
with it. When a loved one begins to shower me with attention or gifts or
something, I feel like I’m not worthy of that kind of expression. Like I’ll
screw it up somehow. It makes me feel like I have to live up to having earned
that kind of attention. Live up to a standard of perfection that I don’t feel
emotionally equipped to do all the time. If I can’t do that, I’ll let them
down, and no longer be worthy of these gifts. Almost as if they were a reminder
of my own shortcomings and inadequacies. Clearly this is not the intent of
having a loved one shower you with gifts and loving attention! However it can
feel like it, and feelings are intense personal things. Feelings of low
self-worth and self-doubt, feelings of being a failure for your partner, not
deserving… these are real feelings and very real problems.
Intimacy, emotional intimacy, makes us feel smothered. Most
of us, if not all, have never learned how to be truly intimate. We don’t have
natural brakes or a natural sense of emotional progression in relationships. It’s
classic borderline behavior is to feel smothered by intimacy whenever others
come close and to feel completely terrified about being abandoned if they move
back. A classic borderline move is to dump anyone who wants you and cling
desperately to anyone who wants to get away from you. (Hell, I’ve been
starting to feel this right now!) Emotional intimacy is frightening for us,
because intimacy and love is often equated with pain and suffering. So we want
the beautiful healing idea of love and intimacy, but we rarely have an
internalized concept of it. In its place, we have an abusive, destructive
concept of it. So while we want this thing, or try for this thing, this fear of
what we know often wins out.
It’s important to understand that these feelings of
emotional suffocation aren’t intentional. No one looks at someone and thinks, “Wow,
they’re being too good to me, well time to start holding my breath”.
It’s like the more emotional space someone takes up in the
room of your heart, the less room for air there is for you to breathe.
The causes for this are our many maladaptive defense and coping
methods that have been ingrained in us. When something becomes too good, the
fear of losing it becomes even worse. So subconsciously we prepare ourselves
for the loss of it. It’s like our psyche is rejecting the implant of love and
affection someone is trying to penetrate our mind with. We need to unlearn
these maladaptive mechanism and replace them with healthy adaptive ones.
Some of us also just don’t like surprises. People can think
that surprise displays of affection are romantic. For me they’re panic
inducing. I’ve had friends that just liked to show up because they were
thinking about me. I hate this. It sets my nerves on edge and I just want to
push them right back out of the door. I’m not ready, I’m not prepared,
mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have body Dysmorphic problems, you can’t
just sneak up on me and expect me to be receptive. I need to prepare myself.
When people just show up, with no warning, it feels like I’ve lost control of
my day. I’m very independent, which sometimes I think means I need to have more
than your average amount of control in my life. When someone else pushes on me
like this, I feel pressure to not be ungracious, but also needing to reclaim
the structure that my day had previously held. This often results in a lot of
thinly veiled anxiety and irritation.
Probably one of the biggest issues of relationships is the
sense of our loss of self. Relationships are consuming. The dynamic can take
over a lot of time that was previously spend doing whatever the heck you wanted
to do on our own. Where there used to me Me and Him. Or Her and Me… There now
becomes We. In a relationship you need to pay attention to the needs of both
people. Often we can become so focused on the needs of our partner that we
forget about our own. Or alternatively, we can be so wrapped up in our need
issues that dedicating the time that our partner demands can be too much.
Everything is about “us together” which leaves very little room for personal
expression and personal experience. In short, it can feel like you’re losing a
part of yourself, like you’re disappearing into the relationship. Before you
know it the attention of your partner can feel more like a weight stifling your
individuality.
I think the root of this is when something is moving faster
emotionally than we are prepared to deal with; or we perceive our partner is
moving faster emotionally then we are. What may be a fairly typical emotional
development for many relationships is going to feel very different for someone
with BPD. It can feel like a lot of pressure that we don’t feel equipped to
live up to for all the varying reasons of low sense of self-worth, self-esteem,
fear of failure, abandonment, etc.
We don’t always know how to ask for space though. Hell, it’s
not always clear why we feel so irritated or suffocated. We have a fear of
aloneness, so we have someone around, but then it feels bad, like to can’t
breathe, panicky, and when we become emotionally panicky instead of responding
with reason, we simply react and push away. We don’t always know the reason,
but we know the feelings we’re experiencing. Instead of simply reacting to the
feelings, we need to figure out the reasons behind the feelings and then learn
to communicate those feelings in a productive way. It’s okay to not have a
solution at first. You can work on that together. Write down what it is you’re
feeling. Don’t judge the feeling, just write them down. Then look at each line
and brainstorm from there. You can do this on your own first to get an idea of
what you need to talk about and help yourself identify the triggers and things
that make you feel smothered, first. When you’ve pulled together some of your
thoughts and feelings then you can bring it to your partner and try to figure
out what can work for both of you, as individuals, together.
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