humorous 2

Teacher & Student

Teacher :What is the chemical formula for water?
Student : H I J K L M N O!!
Teacher : What are you talking about?
Student : Yesterday you said it’s H to O!
______________________________________
Teacher :Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity.
Student : Right. if he had sat in the Class, he wouldn't have discovered anything!
________________________________________
Teacher : Can you Tell me 2 creatures which Do Not have Teeth?
Student : Grandma and Grandpa
________________________________________
Teacher : You Missed School yesterday, Didn’t You.?
Student : No, Not a bit Sir!
________________________________________
Teacher : Where was the Declaration of Independance signed ?
Student : At the bottom !
________________________________________
Teacher : Now,tell me frankly,do you say prayers before eating?
Student : No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook!
________________________________________
Teacher : your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Student : No, teacher, it’s the same dog!
________________________________________
Teacher : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Student : A teacher
________________________________________
Teacher : why do you always get so dirty?
Student : Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are!
________________________________________
Teacher : What are the people of Turkey called?
Student : I don’t know
Teacher : They are called Turks.Now Tell me What are people of Germany called?
Student : Germs
________________________________________
Teacher : Are you Good at Math?
Student : Yes and No.
Teacher : What do you mean.?
Student : Yes, I’m No Good at Math!
________________________________________
Teacher : Why are you late?
Student : Because of the sign.
Teacher : What sign
Student : The one that says “School Ahead,Go Slow”
________________________________________
Teacher : why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
Student : You told me to do it without using tables!
________________________________________

Teacher : OK Class, we will have only half days school this morning.
Class : Hooray!!
Teacher : We will have the other half this afternoon.

- DarknessMatters

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

- Unknown

Relationships are like math problems. Sometimes you have to take someone out of the equation, put someone else in, and......it's right!

- Linda Poindexter

The best insults are when the person you are insulting does not understand that they are being insulted

"Hi, my name is shower and if you turn me on i will get you wet (;"

In 2013, my first status will be- "Is anyone alive?!

Single bells, single bells,single all the way oh what fun it is to see couples fight all day hey

You Cry,I Cry,You Laugh,I Laugh,You Jump Off A Cliff I Laugh Even More!

‘This is an A and B conversation, so C yourself out before D jumps over E and Fs you up.’

for everyone that doesn't like me, it goes mind over matter
i dont mind and you surely dont matter

I'm proud of myself, I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years

Those who like me,
raise your hands!
And those who don't like me,
RAISE YOUR STANDARD!

Would I rather be feared or loved?
Both.
I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

- steve carell (

You didn't get in trouble for lying. You got in trouble for lying badly.

- Drake Bell

I know I'm good. I'm just not sure what am I good at.

I fell out of a 40 story building today. I was lucky I came out alive. Imagine if I wasn't on the first floor..

In a court of law you're innocent until proven guilty. 
In a relationship you're guilty until proven innocent.

- GBatiste

Silence is golden, but YELLING IS FUN!

I saw you with her and I cried, because I was laughing so hard!

i am a member of the C.S.I
cant stand idiots

"I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night."

- Bill Hicks

Two wrongs don't make a right, but i'm determined to find out how many wrongs do

Bombing 4 Peace Is Like F***ing 4 Virginity

I want to make a Facebook named "Nobody". So if I comment/like something, it'll say, "Nobody liked your status, Nobody commented on your photo

Be careful taking a walk down memory lane. You may run into a few ghosts from the past.

- Linda Poindexter

Be careful taking a walk down memory lane. You may run into a few ghosts from the past.

So if you drink every day you are an alcoholic?? Thank god I only drink every night

Don't walk as if you rule the world,

walk as if you don't care who rules the world!

That's called Attitude…!

If I had one hour left from my life, I'd spend it at mathematics class, cause it feels like eternity

Apparently my road to success is under construction

Me: I'm actually happy right now.
Life: Lol one sec!

People say that money isn't the key to happiness, but I've always figured that if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

How did pinocchio found out he was made out of wood?
He was masturbating and caught on fire

I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it

Make LOVE not WAR, cause CONDOMS are cheaper than GUNS

Facing your problems is like facing a bull...either take them by the horns, or run like hell.

- Linda Poindexter

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

- Robbin Williams

I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.

"My teacher told us essays are like skirts.... "Long enough to cover the subject short enough to make it interesting

Guy:God, how long is a million years to you?
God:A minute.
Guy:How much is a million dollars to you?
God:A penny.
Guy:Can I have a penny?
God:In a minute

If you don't know the answers in an exam, just put lines like this "||||||||||" and write below "Scratch Here For Answer"

A suicide bomber went into a pet shop and yelled "EVERYONE HAS 1 MIN TO GET OUT" a turtle in the back yelled "you bastard"

When people go underwater during movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
I died at Finding Nemo

You know it's going to be a great story when it starts out with, "So this b***h"

THEY SAY DRINKING MILK MAKES YOU STRONGER...DRINK 5 GLASSES OF MILK AND TRY TO MOVE A WALL...CANT!
NOW DRINK 5 GLASSES OF VODKA MY FRIEND! THE WALLS MOVE BY THEMSLEVES!!

Are more people suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder these days, or are there just fewer things worth paying attention to?

Money means nothing to me. If you don’t believe me, ask me for money. You’ll get nothing

I'm gonna change my facebook name to "Benefits" so when sum1 adds me it's gonna say: "You are now friends with Benefits"

I wish there was something in between us...a continent perhaps

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS? A crazy b*tch who will find you!

wikipedia: i know everything!
google: i have everything!
facebook: i know everybody!
internet: without me, you are alll nothing 
electricity: keep talking b!+çhes

Hero is a coward who didn't get enough time to run away.

If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, its because you’re both heading in the same direction

A thief broke into my house last night searching for 'Money' .... So I woke up and started searching with him 

"Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls."

"The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about."

A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be."

Dont steal, the government hates competition

Nice guys are ugly, hot guys are jerks, and hot nice guys are gay!

Funny sign board on the side of a national highway...
You Are Not Looking At The Road Right Now, Be Careful

Why is it that the people who tell you to relax are almost always the source of your anxiety?

If you spend the rest of your life trying to make up for past mistakes, there won't be any time to make any new ones.

- Linda Poindexter

- Dad, what does it feel to have such a handsome son?
- I don't know son, go and ask your grandpa XD

My Grandma makes the best cookies, so when I asked her about her secret ingredient she said 'Love.'
After that I couldn't eat anymore of her cookies.
Do you know how people MAKE LOVE?

- Chris Ryan

Slut: (n) Woman with the morals of a man.

Your birthday doesn't just mean you are another year older....it means you have made it through another year!

- Linda Poindexter

Little boy kills a butterfly, 
Dad says no butter for two weeks! 
Again boy kills a honeybee. 
Dad says no honey for two weeks! 
Oneday mum kills a cockroach, 
boy turns to dad and says are you going to tell her sth or shall I

Dear homework, 

I'd tell you to go "f" yourself, but I don't want you to asexually reproduce and give me even more work. 

Sincerely, me

Monday morning is a slap in the face to wake us up from our weekend daydream.

- Linda Poindexter

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink? =\

Today someone told me that I was ugly. I started to feel super sad and then gave them a hug, because it must be horrible to be visually impaired

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? 
A: When they come, they are wild and wet. When they go,
they take your house and car with them

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 

- - Robert A. Heinlein

She Told Me She Needed Time, So I Went And Bought Her A Watch

All aboard the karma train, next stop: YOU!

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say "in jesus name amen".

Talk used to be cheap...then someone invented cell phones.

- Susan Gale

i decided to send u the best and the loveliest gift in the world but...but...but...the postman scolded me when i sat in the postbox.

Me: Hey what does STFU mean?
Friend: Shut The F*** Up.
Me: Chill! I was just asking!

teacher : where's your book? 
student : at home
teacher : and what's it doing there?
student : having more fun than me.

No, I won't catch a grenade for you...but I will toss you one if you ask me nicely.

There must be a lot of people who need glasses...they don't see things my way.

- Linda Poindexter

"Self-control" 
is the ability to stay cool..
when someone's making you HOT!

I should rename my mood and call it Tarzan. Swings too much!

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding??????
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Female drivers: the reason people look both ways while crossing a one way street

Survival comes from knowing when to fight....and knowing when to run!

- Linda Poindexter

If You can't
change a girl,
Just change the
girl ;)

Sea levels aren't rising because of global warming. Due to the increase in obesity, the continents are in fact, sinking

They say:
"SMART people usually have stupid hearts.

I say:
"With the rate my stupid heart is going, damn! I must be a freaking genius!"...

Girlfriend:..... I cheated.
Boyfriend: Oh thank God!!
Girlfriend: Huh?
Boyfriend: I've cheated with 4 other girls.
Girlfriend: I meant on my test you ass!

Don't you HATE it when your ex says to you "I'm here if you ever need me". Where the f**k were you when we were together and I needed you?

When ignorance gets started it knows no bounds.

You might want to step back. I think I'm getting ready to have a mood swing.

- Susan Gale

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs

I'm not the girl next door...
I'm the b**ch across the street

i'm here...
...you're there
we got a problem!

The road to success
.. is under construction. SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?" 
"No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"

- Milton Berle

Michael Jackson = King of pop 
Elvis Presley = King of rock 
Eminem = King of rap 
Justin Bieber = Queen of crap

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to ur nuts, this is no ordinary blow job

Be careful with people, because you don't know if they are laughing with you or at you.

- GBatiste

The only thing worse than the one that got away is the one that won't go away

As an unemotional person, I never thought pieces of papers will make me cry .... until I started to pay my bills 

i was passing a shop in the charming little town of Etna, California, and noticed this on the front door:
"PUSH.
if you can't push, PULL.
if you can't pull, WE'RE CLOSED."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days attack me at once.

who says English is easy?
don't believe? then fill the blank with either “YES or NO”
“oh____, I am a monkey.”

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'? 
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

Guns don’t kill people… Fathers with pretty daughters do.

Yes, we did share a lot of chemistry, but that was before the lab blew up

I love you and you and you and you and...

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up

GUY: "suck it"
GIRL: when i was little my mom told me not to put small objects in my mouth.

- katie S

Boy: If I could change the alphabet, I’d put U & I together. 
Girl: Oh, there’s no need for that because N & O are already next to each other.

They say you learn from your mistakes. I must be really smart.

- Linda Poindexter

Condoms are like Friends...
They are always there when things get HARD

During a test: You look up for inspiration, you look down in desperation, and you look to your left and right for information

My ex updated his status to," Standing on the edge of a cliff." So I poked him

Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as pain-go-bye-bye juice?

- patton oswalt

My attention span is pretty limited. I either don’t pay attention, I don’t listen, or I just don’t give a sh*t.

My Mistake, Your Fault

- Joe Wright

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."

- Tom Clancy

Me: "My head hurts." 
You:"that's just your brain trying to comprehend it's own stupidity

I Thought I Fell For You, Then Found Out It Was My Shoe Lace.

HABIT is always hard to break. Removing H, you'll still have ABIT. Removing HA, you'll still have BIT. Removing HAB, you'll still have IT.

Valentine's Day is Cancelled this year!
14-02-12 = 0

We always want what we can't have.. Thats why I don't want you!

- Granit Musliu

Did you know that 100 trees are being cut to produce our examination papers..?
PLEASE join our cause..
Say NO TO EXAMS!!!
SAVE MOTHER EARTH! SAVE TREES!

Teacher : whoever answers next question correctly can go home.
Suddenly a bag was thrown
Teacher : who threw the bag ?
Smart kid :its me MAM! and now i m going home

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Some miracles of WOMEN;
1. getting milk without eating grass,
2. bleeding without getting hurt,
3. getting wet without taking shower and,
4. making boneless flesh tough.
5. They can win the world without fighting any battle,
6. They can intoxicate men without giving any alchohol

Maybe everything really will look better in the morning. I'm just afraid I won't wake up in time to see it.

Sometimes people blossom when they fall in love...and sometimes they just turn into blooming idiots

Love is an electric blanket with someone else in control of the switch

Guy: I can`t marry you, my family members refused... 
Girl: Who are they to stop our love? 
Guy: My wife and 3 kids..

We tend to rush through life when we're young.....but now that we're older, we're slamming the breaks as hard as we can.

- GBatiste

Having the best day is good. Having the worst day is life.

- campbell

On a teacher evaluation sheet:

In the space below please write any overall comments about this course or instructor nor covered above:

Answer: If I had one hour to live, I'd spend it in this class because it feels like an eternity

(Person:) Do you know how many calories are in that?! 
(Me:) Do you know how many f**ks I don't give?

I have an excuse for my "ups and downs" I was born in an elevator!

- T.A. Dieringer

You don't get smarter as you get older. There just aren't any stupid things left that you haven't already done.

- Linda Poindexter

I was standing at an ATM machine when an old lady came along side and said to me 'could you check my balance' so I pushed her over.

Optimism is what gets you out of bed in the morning. Pessimism is what makes you want to go back to bed!

- Linda Poindexter

When you're young, you want a man who will make you forget who you are and where you came from. When you're old, you want a man who will remind you who you are and where you were going.

- Susan Gale

When you're dead you don't know you're dead. It's hard only for the others. Same when you're stupid.

Second place is just the first loser

I asked my Heart. . .
Why can't I Sleep at Night ?
.
.
..
.
.
.
My Heart told me :
Because you have already Slept in the Afternoon.
Don't act like you are in Love !

- Bryan Rocky Chinow

i just got my driving license
as i was driving my grandmother to the nearby church, we finally arrived after a short rough time
when she get out from the car she said "thank you" and i replied "dont mention it"
she then slam the door and said "im not talking to you, im talking to god"

- DarknessMatters